I cuddled with a guy I knew only for two weeks

He seemed down, and we ended up sharing a lot.
So I just sat and after listening, I spoke about the whole boundaries thing.
I said I’m getting triggered and even he said we’ll slow down.
He was pretty stressed about the situation at home so he wasn’t really able to focus but he somehow did
So we didn’t really decide on what’s okay and what’s not in physical contact yet, but I said we’ll get to know each other for three more months, that’s when our weaknesses will come through, so we can work on it. He was also crying about his family problems, so I realized it’s too early to commit
I read about the five love languages. Quality time, gifts, words, touch and helping others. Made me think about what I don't give myself, and why I wanted those hugs and cuddles so badly. It could be because I did not take care of myself, not eating well, not exercising well, dissociating.
I really like him, but also didn't wanna date him, because we got attached too quickly. I could see our attachment style was anxious. Fearful of the other leaving. We wanted a closer bond but it was too soon. Not only that, cultural and religious differences would complicate things. His mother has the power to make him feel guilty. He knows and he's working on it. Even I feel uncomfortable to show him affection in public, almost as if we didn't want anyone to know. Yesterday he was fidgeting so I held his hand, and then his eyes started welling up. He told me he doesn't know what to do in life, he has to make money or live alone, he doesn't have the resources to move out and even at home it's so hard. His father doesn't talk to him much and his mother is very anxious and angry about everything. This has led to an anxious attachment style in him.
I’m not sure why we got so close. I asked him, "You care about me a lot, don't you? I care about you too." But why? Why do we care about each other so much and so soon? I cried so much that I can’t be with him,
I felt a great loss, because I set boundaries with him, I said no touching, only talking and I’ll maintain distance. I’ll sit afar, I’ll walk afar, I won’t cry. He had said he has problems with boundaries, he feels like he goes too far and then loses it all. Gets too close, then gets abandoned, like his mother did. I reassured him saying I am capable of maintaining friendships for a long time. The only thing to work through now was the intimacy level. In terms of physical we are on no-go. Now we gotta see emotional boundaries.
I kept getting cringed thinking about how we cuddled. It felt wrong.
I’m sad and guilty about how I behaved, I hugged him and craved it. I know as a human being we crave such stuff. Then I read something online which triggered my panic attack. It was not to mix with those who don't follow god. It spoke about soul ties and how it is wrong. This made me very very guilty. Of course, I know god will forgive me, I can easily break the tie, because even cuddling releases oxytocin and attaches us to others. Now I can't attach in this way to him, especially considering we can't date. I read, in order to break a soul tie, we need to cut them off. This would hurt both of us. And reading this led to me feeling suicidal.
I only knew him since two weeks. When could I have stopped it? It was my fault. I said are you comfortable with kisses on the cheek?
And then he suggested holding hands
And he also asked if he can keep his head on my lap
So my therapist was right, sharing also is a form of intimacy
Now I have done it and realized how risky it is. But it hurts to know I can't do it anymore. Then who shall I be with? I feel so, so lonely. Sharing is like currency, or you can say more love and trust. The same is with girls as well, but it’s different, since we rarely end up intertwining fingers. I don’t understand why we did that. First time we hugged was in the basement, he asked "can I hug you?" he gave a tight hug. Then in the hospital I hugged him (possibly my fault) And in the metro I kept my head on his shoulder and later he kept his arm over mine (I was nervous). Then next day in the sand park I was crying, he came closer and held my shoulder and I hugged him again and kept my arm over him. Then day before yesterday was when it happened. He came over (I called him), we sat down to talk, and he said come here. And I hugged him and he kept his head on my lap and all this happened. But why? I asked him, "are you comfortable with kisses?" (Slight hesitation felt on his part) "On the cheek I mean?" "Yeah sure!" "Muah," Back to hugging. I kissed his chest as well, then he kissed my head twice, and intertwined his fingers with mine, I kissed his hand, and then he said "let me lay my head on your lap." I caressed his face and he kissed my arm, that's when I got triggered and felt scared, that I could not date him. Then why did we do all these things?
Young and lost.

FWIW, I don’t think anything you did was wrong. Closeness and affection between people is beautiful and good.

I don’t think what you did was wrong either. By any chance are you lonely? I know when I am I tend to move quicker in relationships than preferred because of that craving for intimacy and affection.

Then why does the Bible say it's wrong?

Hi.

Fellow Christian here.

Remember something.... Immaculate conception is a pretty rare thing.

All us and our other fellow Christians got here some how.

I wrestled with the morality of physical attraction when I was young too. And it was like it was the ONLY sin that mattered to people in my family.

You can keep your beliefs and still be human. Human attraction and desire for closeness is normal. If it aligns with your beliefs, show restraint and keep some things for the boundaries of marriage.

I do see that you are in India, which means culturally you may have far more pressure on you than we do in North America.

Just please don't hate yourself and tear yourself up for having normal human feelings. If you believe we are God's creation, then those feelings are part of being a complete person.

RDMercer

I am confused, seeing that you are in India, why you are referring to the Bible? But you wrote "Not only that, cultural and religious differences would complicate things. " so are you in a religious minority in India? What faith does the young gentleman belong to?

Overall, your post gives the impression of a person who has read too many pop psychology books / websites / articles etc. for her own good and who does not trust her instincts and judgment and instead overanalyzes everything that happens from the vantage point of what she gleaned from those sources.

The only thing that is worrisome about the whole affair is that you felt suicidal. Was it a fleeting feeling? How are you feeling now?

You wrote: "I read, in order to break a soul tie". What is a soul tie in your book? Can you explain?

You signed the post with "Young and lost." and you indeed are, but you also appear very confused. I think the path forward for you is to learn to trust yourself and demote the importance of pop psychology sources and the Bible and everything else external in your environment. By the way, does the therapist know that you felt suicidal? You wrote that the therapist told you that sharing is intimacy. Well, obviously it is, so at least the therapist is on target there; can the therapist also assist with dealing with suicidal feelings?

How often do you feel suicidal? Have you felt suicidal outside of this incident? You wrote about feeling suicidal in a very matter-of-factly manner, suggesting that this is a repeat occurrence with you. I hope you stay safe. Your exploration of the world as you are describing it is clearly safe, but feeling suicidal can lead to unsafe outcomes.

Start living the life and the experience(s) that you currently have, instead of believing anything you read online or otherwise. Use your own judgment rather than following other people's words and whatever misleading conditioning is out there.

There is so much misconception and confusion in your post.

Thank you for your advice. Could you please tell me about the misconceptions in my post so that I can work on it?

I think it is important to be gentle when talking about someone's religious beliefs.

And I think it is important to be careful not to dissuade someone's beliefs. Sometimes people grow away from their beliefs, or grow to incorporate their beliefs in a healthy way.

But that is their own journey.

Letting go of religion, or incorporating religious beliefs and influences can be very, very hard depending on what the person has been subjected to. My family are fairly moderate Christian in some ways. I've heard more strict Christian families say, "Your emotions are the Devil's whispers." HOLY SMOKES! How do you have any sort of healthy feelings of validation with that planted in your mind?

Whatever this poster's path is, I think we have to support them as they are, where they are, within the beliefs that they have.

Again, OP, please don't hate yourself for feeling something human. LIke I said.... There are Billions of us.... Only a couple of us arrived via immaculate conception. It's NORMAL to want human contact and interaction.

RDMercer

I am referring to the Bible since I am a Protestant and he is a Hindu. Yes, Christianity is a minority in India. I am feeling sad that I have overinformed myself. Up to a certain extent it has helped me, since I realized feeling suicidal was triggered by the thought of possibly losing the friendship, it was a flashback. Now I have reached a little stability. My therapist told me sometimes I overanalyze to feel safer.
According to the article, a soul tie is formed due to sexual or romantic intimacy, which helps married people stay together. But even cuddling can cause it to form. It said that the Bible says to stay away from such things, and I will have to cut him off in order to break the soul tie. (I will not do that, I intend to deal with it more maturely this time.) I felt suicidal because breaking this friendship would cause me pain. I had already lost contact with two other friends. It felt as if I was different from him, as though he was wrong and I would be wrong by being with him. I understand I have catastrophized this though. I have therapy tomorrow, and she may ask what happened between me and him since she knows I met him. She may be disappointed in me, I'll try to tell her, though I feel a little hesitant to tell her. I will mention though, that the idea of losing his friendship made me feel suicidal. This is the first time I am bringing it up though, she asked if I felt this way earlier, (seeing her since a month.) So I will find out how good she is with such feelings. I only feel suicidal if I have something trigger it. For example, when you said I seem to have read too many psychology books, etc. for my own good and that I do not trust my instincts and judgment, and that I overanalyze everything, I felt triggered, I dissociated and wondered what the point of it all is. But since I knew it was a reaction to criticism, I kept reminding myself that. I have felt this way before, although after a long time. Been many months now.

Can you stay away from reading articles that give you rigid advice? Can you simply disregard the article about soul ties and breaking them? You need to learn to live more fluidly, live in the moment, be in touch with your feelings, react to the moment with what feels right emotionally, explore life and simply be yourself. It is not helping you to try to be guided by formulaic, strict, and frankly unreasonable advice. You can still read theology, provided it gives reasoned interpretations of the Bible. By the way, where in the Bible does it say to stay away from cuddling? Did the article quote specific Bible passages and discuss their broader context? From how you are describing the article, it did not. But correct me if I am wrong.

You wrote "She may be disappointed in me" about the therapist. You are not describing a proper therapeutic alliance if you need to do certain things or abstain from certain other things in order to please your therapist. This is not how a therapeutic alliance is formed. I am contradicting myself now but please read this short article: The Therapeutic Alliance: The Fundamental Element of Psychotherapy - PMC. Here is a quote:

"Although scholars may differ in how the alliance is conceptualized, most theoretical definitions of the alliance have three themes in common: the collaborative nature of the relationship, the affective bond between patient and therapist, and the patient’s and therapist’s ability to agree on treatment goals and tasks (2, 3). " (my emphasis)

If you need to live up to your therapist's expectations, this is not a collaborative relationship. Also, if you cannot candidly share your important experiences with her because you are afraid of disappointing here, it is a big red flag. I am not saying to stop seeing her, but maybe in the next session tell her that there is something that you are afraid to share with her for fear of disappointing her, and let her take it from there.

Is she a Christian therapist by any chance? I know in the US there are Christian therapists.

I am glad you are able to reflect on what triggers your suicidal feelings and, most of all, glad that these are fleeting feelings and you do not harbor suicidal intent.

Can you describe in detail what goes on in your mind when you feel suicidal? What kind of ideation do you have? Do you simply want not to be living or do you ideate specific ways to end your life?

I am glad it does not happen frequently to you, the suicidal feelings.

Can you also describe specifically what you do for self care? And daily routines: do you exercise, how many hours do you sleep, etc. Are you on any medication? Are you just seeing this new therapist or do you also have a prescribing psychiatrist? If the latter, have you told that person (called pdoc on these forums) about your occasional suicidal feelings?

It would also help if you describe your ideal relationship so that we can see how far cuddling after knowing this young man for only two weeks was from the ideal; why it felt short of the ideal so much that it caused you great distress to the point of a fleeting suicidal feeling. Knowing what your ideal concept is will help contextualize your report.

I'd like to know what makes you say that I have read too many things for my own good? It is true I overanalyze things

To clarify, I felt suicidal at the thought of having to cut him off, which I won't do, it seems to be rigid advice, not for people like me who are struggling with accepting the self

I have some thoughts below but do not have time to organize them. Hence, a relatively unstructured post before I go to bed.

You overanalyze things: we are in agreement here. You also distrust yourself. You cited (1) love languages, (2) attachment styles, (3) setting boundaries, incl. emotional boundaries, (4) getting oxytocin and having oxytocin help with attachment, and I probably did not count them all. So you clearly read a lot, it is almost as if you have scanned through the pop psychology encyclopedia in its entirety. And then you encounter a unique manifestation of human emotion in yourself and another, cannot go with the flow, and the encyclopedia does nothing to help you process this encounter and act in congruence with your feelings. So how does everything you have read help you?

I have looked up when Oxytocin was discovered. In 1909. I have not looked up when it was linked to attachment but clearly later. Up until that point, humanity had created a formidable treasure trove of literature about love. The people who wrote the literature plus the people who inspired those authors beyond personal experiences of said authors, plus common folk passing down legends and tales from generation to generation before authored literature, knew absolutely nothing about oxytocin. Yet, we have the literary canon about love. So it was possible to experience feelings of attachment without knowing what physiologic processes underpin it. Speaking of the literary canon, have you read it? I am certain that if you switch from pop psychology to high quality literature, you would gain tremendous benefits, including in knowing yourself and even answering your "why?" questions. Story is vital to human development and to how we learn about the world and our psyche; following the story through the protagonist gives you emotional learning which is something you cannot get from pop psychology because it does not grab your emotions on the same level. Learning with your emotions engaged will be far better for you because it will help counterbalance this incredible tendency to overintellectualize. Plus, since you write well when you write about something you know well, such as what exactly was done when you cuddled, you must possess an appreciation of good literary style, too. Go to your public library or download audiobooks and simply take a break from pop psychology. You will feel better and you will go through emotional maturation.

***

While you wrote compellingly and eloquently about what exactly happened when you cuddled, you were not compelling or clear elsewhere in the OP.

"It was not to mix with those who don't follow god." How do you intend not to mix with non-Protestants while living in India? Do you intend to stay within a closed knit community of Protestants and not ever congregate with representatives of faiths with a large following in your country, or atheists for that matter? If so, this should have been written very clearly at the beginning of your post to set the stage. The post makes a lot of assumptions and attributes to the readers instant sharing of those assumptions without making explicit and clear assertions regarding your beliefs, plans, convictions, limitations and, to call a spade a spade, prejudices. Why did you think that we would share those assumptions? The point about not mixing with non-Protestants was buried inside the post. Now that you asked me a question regarding my reaction to the post and I read it many times (yes, many times), I found it and now, I think although am not sure, I see what you mean by repeatedly referring to not being able to be with this young Hindu gentleman. So, to summarize your OP in a more digestible form, is it the case that you did not intend to mix with a non-Protestant but cuddled with him anyway, and he cuddled with you so it was mutual and consensual, now you want to cuddle with him more, but are denying yourself that pleasure due to your intention not to mix with non-Protestants? Is that the crux of the issue? Or something else? Or that plus something else?

"how risky it is " What was risky? You did not have unprotected sex. There is nothing objectively risky, speaking about risk rationally, about cuddling. There was no risk to your health or safety. Well, maybe a higher risk to catch Covid or flu, but hopefully you are vaccinated... There was no risk as your weren't violating the law, weren't on hard drugs while cuddling. etc. etc. It is not clear what you mean by risky. Do you mean risky in terms of getting attached to a person to whom you believe you should not attach due to prejudices? Then you needed to spell it out. Otherwise it is not clear what you are referring to, and the opening post gives the impression of sheer confusion.

"But why?" is a theme that recurs again and again in your relatively short post. Let me turn it around and ask you: why do you need to know why? Why this drive to have every human emotion and act explained, dissected, looked at under the microscope? Why this excessive intellectualizing? Why can't you trust yourself with cuddling when you feel like cuddling and the young gentleman feels like cuddling, too? You describe the detailed acts of cuddling very well (here, your writing gift shines through) and from what you are describing, there was genuine emotion, there was poignancy, there was vulnerability and shared vulnerability, there was reciprocity, there was a certain cherished uniqueness in what exactly was done... there was a lot of good stuff. If you ask me, do it again sans talking about setting boundaries. Go with the flow. You are surprised with cuddling after a short tenure of knowing him? Sometimes we surprise ourselves. Keep exploring, keep surprising yourself, and stay clear of any rigidity, any prescriptions about how long you need to know someone before doing something. Sometimes it make take years before you cross into a certain space and this time it took you 2 weeks. Very interesting. So you have learned that you can develop a desire for a physical human bond very quickly. You have learned something about yourself. and maybe, if you absolutely must answer the why question, you were simply lonely as Muddy Boots has suggested. Maybe with a busy social life, lots of friends, a multitude of suitors, an optimistic outlook, a good self-care regimen, and a lack of suicidal tendencies, you would not have cared to cuddle with him. It is possible. We will never know for sure because we cannot rerun what happened with changed parameters, giving you a busy social life, lots of suitors, and a solid self-care regimen. So we cannot establish causality between your loneliness and the speed of the developments leading up to this encounter with certainty. We can only speculate that loneliness might have played a role.

If I seriously misread what you meant, please correct me.

precisely. could not be said better

good night / good morning

I did not exercise self control. I went with it and it got too far. I think at this point I've realized there is a time before we can do things. We did not go as far as unprotected penis in vagina sex. But the embrace was intimate. With kisses. And we kissed on the lips, and body. And there was grinding with clothes on and no restraint and no rational thinking. I felt sorry for doing that. I don't want to use him or be used. I cried and slapped myself and felt anger towards myself as I felt I disrespected my body. I prayed and vowed never to disgrace my body again. And now a change has come over me emotionally. So I refocused on my studying. I confided in my friends and my sister. Am soon to tell my dad and thereafter completely immerse myself in my work. I had said risky earlier. Not that I'll get attached to him, because I think it is only sexual attraction. But because my feelings of guilt and shame will affect me. My sister said the act is not wrong, the person is, so it didn't feel right. Thank you all for listening to me and giving me advice. I realize that we are God's creation, and lustful feelings are part of being a normal person. I am seeking therapy from a new counselor. I want to keep sharing my feelings as they come up.

So cuddling wasn't the right term to use to start the thread.

To be sure, nothing you are describing strikes me as inherently bad in any fashion, it just wasn't cuddling.

I hope you will be able to let go of feelings of guilt and shame.

Being angry at yourself and punishing yourself for normal human feelings probably isn't the right thing to do.

Trying to suppress those feelings probably isn't the right thing to do.

Think about them. Face them without guilt, shame, anger, or hating yourself. Just think about and face why you felt them.

If you fight to suppress something, it will fight back.

If you examine it openly you take some of its power away.

You're young and you had a passionate moment with someone. You're normal. Forgive yourself. God will. God's seen and forgiven far worse.

You're ok. You're normal. This is all normal. If it worries you to make it fit into your beliefs then think about it honestly and without fear, shame, or guilt.

RDMercer