Ghosted

My first time here.

A couple weeks ago, I went on a few dates with someone I met online.

Our first date I thought went well. The conversation went smoothly and there was chemistry. He said he was glad I received his message, since he wasn’t sure it would go through since he took his profile off line a couple weeks prior. We shared some things enough to know that we both are sensitive people that care about feelings and outcomes. The only thing I could see we didn’t have in common was golfing, but kept in the back of my mind that we possibly could discover other activities together.

That same day, he called me a couple times to say hello and that he wanted to see me again. He even called again that evening.

We made plans and met for a second date. The date “I thought” was going well, except he cut the date short, apologizing, and saying he was tired. He said we could see each other again though. We hugged and kissed goodbye, and it felt real.

Shortly after I got home, he called to make sure I got home safely, which I thought was considerate.

The next day I texted him, and he texted back to tell me he was golfing, and that he’d try and call me later. I then went online and noticed his profile was active again.

Never heard from him that day, the rest of that week, and in the beginning of the next week.

I’m beside myself in confusion. I can’t see what I did wrong, constantly questioning myself. I wanted to call him, but was afraid he wouldn’t answer the phone. It’s quite obvious he wants to end communication with me, but I don’t know why. It hurts.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Thanks,
JeLynne01

It is indeed beyond confusing, but there is no evidence that you did something wrong. He might be a very weird person. You might never learn why he behaved that way.

I invite you to choose to be happy that this confusing incident happened early on, before you developed any feelings for the gentleman. You are not invested yet, but it still hurts. Imagine how badly it would have hurt had he ghosted after your becoming invested. It could have been far worse than it is now.

I don't think you did anything "wrong" nor would I put a lot of stock into this. If you only went out a couple of times and he clearly isn't making an effort for a third time, I'd just leave well-enough alone. Consider it a blessing that perhaps you found out in two dates what a lot of people don't realize until months / years into a relationship.

You didn't do anything 'wrong'. Unfortunately, this is the world of online dating. His non-response says all you have to know about his character and intentions.

So, move on from that guy.

From what I’ve read about ghosting it can be that the ghoster lacks the emotional maturity to have an honest and kind conversation with the person they choose to ghost.

Yes it’s utterly confusing and your reaction is normal, how you feel is complete valid. However if he lacks emotional maturity it’s likely anyone he had a relationship with would have a difficult time.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I put some more thought into this, and a number of years ago I was guilty of ghosting as well.

It was a good two years into this controlling relationship, and I found out that not only had he gone to my my mom, but others in the neighborhood, and talking to them about our problems. I had discussions about my disapproval, but it kept happening.

I didn’t trust him, nor did I want to be around him anymore, so I cut all contact with him. I suppose I’m guilty of ghosting as well. It’s not a nice thing to do under any circumstances, so I would never do it again. That’s for sure.

The situation you describe here was extricating yourself from a controlling relationship, it was wise to do this with as little fuss as possible because you didn’t know how that person would react.

Some people don’t like confrontation. He decided not to continue and there is really no “why”. That’s a nature of dating. We aren’t going to date everyone we meet. Ideally he’d tell you he isn’t going continue. But he doesn’t, so it’s a blessing because he’s not a direct person. You don’t to date people like him

Blocking abusive controlling boyfriend is different

Hello and welcome to MSF!

Dating and romantic relationships, actually any relationships can often be very confusing. Some people give mixed messages, run hot and cold. This is especially true of new dating partners who are people having conflicted feelings themselves. The ones who do it without regard to your feelings are not good partners, so it’s for the best the relationship ends.

People tend to just callously ghost others these days. It’s not kind, but it seems to be the socially acceptable trend.

This guy you briefly dated gave you mixed messages then ghosted you. It does hurt. It does play with your emotions and I’m sorry it happened. I don’t know if he thought you did anything that prompted him to run from hot to cold, or if it was just him being conflicted having nothing to do with you. You don’t really know much about him to determine.

It was a red flag when he cut the date short saying he was tired. That’s very strange. Did something happen just before that which might have prompted it?

There’s a difference between ghosting and going no contact. With your ex who was abusive, you did the right thing to end contact. That wasn’t ghosting, it was self protection. You tried to enforce your boundaries, they refused to respect you, you ended the relationship. Sometimes the only way to end the relationship is to cut off contact and go silent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JeLynne01 I appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I put some more thought into this, and a number of years ago I was guilty of ghosting as well. It was a good two years into this controlling relationship, and I found out that not only had he gone to my my mom, but others in the neighborhood, and talking to them about our problems. I had discussions about my disapproval, but it kept happening. I didn’t trust him, nor did I want to be around him anymore, so I cut all contact with him. I suppose I’m guilty of ghosting as well. It’s not a nice thing to do under any circumstances, so I would never do it again. That’s for sure.

This is not "ghosting". You had discussions about your disapproval & he kept doing it. If he was too stupid to know that is what caused you not to want to be around him any more then that is his issue. You told him without having to put it in his face as your final parting conversation that would have probably ended up in an argument anyway.

I had a situation with an old acquaintance from HS & College a few years ago. I had enough of his kind of thinking. I told him I was unfriending him & then he came back with a message through FB messenger with the same crap. I told him I had enough & was blocking him. A year later he told a mutual friend that he wanted a chance to have his say. I just told the friend that he had already had his say & nothing he could say would change my opinion so no I was NOT going to unblock him. If they don't understand what they are told....that is totally their problem.....& it needs to be just stopped. That is not ghosting, that is setting boundaries & enforcing them