Identity Crisis

I have been with my husband since we were both 16 and we each other’s first “proper” boyfriend/girlfriend. We married in 2022.
Generally, I am a very quiet person with little need for social interaction and a perfect weekend would be at home with a book or videos games. I was a very shy person and growing up as a teen and even in my twenties and in university I never really went out and socialised/drank etc. I have a couple of close friends.
However, recently (i.e wedding planning and onwards) I have been feeling very dissatisfied with life. There were a couple of personal tragedies in the same timescale. I started looking after myself better (losing weight etc for the wedding) and wanting to go out more socially. I’ve been on the pill since I was 13 and only came off it in 2020. During that time I had a very low, almost non-existent sex drive and low moods. When I came off it and I lost weight I found that my sex drive was incredibly high. I felt a lot more confident (confidence is not something I ever possessed) but by this point my close friends had moved away and I don’t have anyone locally. I now spend my weekends unable to enjoy my hobbies and just have this general air of sadness. I am really struggling with depression. When I first came off the pill I didn’t suffer with depression for about a year and half until the below.
During all of this, I met someone at work (who doesn’t work with me) and I knew quickly that it was a toxic friendship mostly because he was a married man and didn’t want his wife knowing he had a female friend. I went into this entirely wanting a friendship and I have been very open with my husband about this man and that I meet him for coffee/tea etc before I come home from work. It quickly became apparent that my days were spent looking forward to the half hour/hour where we could sit and have a cup of tea together and just chill out and it was perfectly innocent with very mild flirting. As time went on the flirting didn’t remain so mild or innocent. My thoughts are now CONSUMED with him (mostly the thought of just sex to be honest) and I don’t know what to do. Unfortunately, due to this being one of the very few things I look forward to in life I don’t know how to end it without depression fully taking hold.
I love my husband, I really do, but I’m sitting here wondering if having been with him since 16 and suddenly feeling so confident and ready for a social life that I never had in my teens/twenties whether it’s FOMO. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know how to unconsume my thoughts. I have no idea how to get rid of these thoughts and it’s been going on for years now. I thought time would help and it hasn’t.
My husband is ready to have children and the thought petrifies me; not only the thought of being pregnant and actually having children, but I feel like I’m only just discovering myself and until I do that I can’t imagine how I can do it again as a mother because I haven’t yet done it as a woman.
I am completely torn between wanting to be his wife and have his kids, but also just to go it alone and figure out who I am. I feel sick every day and emotionally don’t know how to deal with this. I love him so much and don’t want to hurt him but I don’t know how to get through this. I know I need to stop seeing the man at work but I feel like one of the only things that gets me to work these days is that short break with him for a cup of tea.
I have told him all of this and he is very understanding and supportive but ultimately I don’t think he can help through this – I need to find a way of unconsuming my thoughts without doing the unthinkable.
I know it’s too late after marrying him to suddenly have a crisis of identity but I do think it was spurred on by the wedding even though I’ve been committed to him since 2009.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m lost in darkness and dragging him down with me.

It is never too late to have an identity crisis.

And yes, maybe you *have* outgrown your husband.

What I can say is that (1) these conversations needs to be had with your husband (re how you feel about children, dissatisfaction, even depression) not with that other guy

& more importantly (2) you need to be careful how to proceed. If you keep seeing this guy because it feels good, you know very well that you could slip. Imagine THEN the fallout regarding your marriage (how you would feel if you did the ''unthinkable'' and the impact on your husband and your future together). Is momentary gratification justification enough to risk losing your marriage? Is a guy who is already married and keeping you a secret from his wife, someone you want to risk losing what you have?

Discuss with your husband, work on it *together*, work on finding who you are together... and yes, maybe it means splitting up but at least it is done in a transparent way, not a deceitful manner.

What you are describing is very common in early marriages. You need to dial down how you judge yourself (your language use: "unthinkable", "I know it's wrong"). Also, what you are describing is common in marriages that started with relationships in the teens in general, but for you, on top of it, there is this newfound confidence and newfound sex drive.

I am not clear how old you are. You have been with your husband since 16. You have been committed to him since 2009. Does it mean that you are going to turn 31 this year or not? How old you are is relevant to the issue of whether to have children with your H.

It is also now clear whether, upon your finding out that you have an incredibly high sex drive, you also found that sex with your husband is satisfying to you. This is also an important and relevant inquiry.

I hope you will be able to clarify the above for a more in-depth discussion. My story is a little different because when I married, at age 21, my sexual relationship with my (now ex) husband had just started, but I had known him as a friend since age 14. And I know other people who married early, married their high school boy/girlfriends. There are some success stories where marriages were sustained and people are already grandparents together, but also stories of marriages that resulted in a split early on. With that much knowledge of the subject matter, I hope I can be a little helpful to you on your journey of self-discovery and deciding what critically important steps to take now.

[QUOTE=Tart Cherry Jam;7403064]
I am not clear how old you are. You have been with your husband since 16. You have been committed to him since 2009. Does it mean that you are going to turn 31 this year or not? How old you are is relevant to the issue of whether to have children with your H.

It is also now clear whether, upon your finding out that you have an incredibly high sex drive, you also found that sex with your husband is satisfying to you. This is also an important and relevant inquiry.

Yes 31 this year and I feel a lot of pressure in the children regard due to my age.

Yes, sex is satisfying with him. Though I definitely feel unwilling/shy to ask for certain things sexually with him, while in my imagination I wouldn't with someone else?! Mostly I think because it's not in his character so I feel like asking would be uncomfortable for both of us.

@Tart Cherry Jam

Yes 31 this year and very much feeling age related pressures in regards to children also.

Yes, I find sex with my husband satisfying. However, there are a few things I would like to try but don't feel I can ask him - I just don't think it's in his nature or character, and I can't see it happening with him, and I feel like it would just be uncomfortable if I brought it up for both us. However, these are things I can imagine easily with someone else (mostly because there is a lack of the "loving" intimacy, I guess. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Partly I'm not sure if these things are something I would actually like to try with my husband - don't know why.

If that is the case, then the question is whether you can afford a sex therapist for the couple?

Can I ask why you and your husband waited for so many years to get married?

You have a few more years to think about whether to have children. Are you age peers having children now in your social circle (not sure you have much of a social circle but still asking)?

I'd like to say, to make the decisions you have to make, please consider putting the friendship on hold.

The titilation and anticipation of meeting someone taboo for a flirty interaction is ultimately feeding a fantasy.

Whatever you experience with your flirty friend isn't likely to be what you're expecting or hoping it to be. That needs to pause while you make some decisions.

Telling your husband you need a little more time to explore life, yourself, and each other before bringing kids into the mix isn't a bad thing.

There's a very good book called 101 Nights of Great Romance. You alternate planning date nights based on ideas in the book, and there are physical intimacy things to try as you go. I honestly think it's a good investment, and gets results immediately, unlike counseling.

I think you love your husband. Maybe See if he'll join you on some discovery before you decide to go alone.

RDMercer

I don't think it's sex that's the problem. It's feeling excited, anticipatory, and alive.

That's romance, not sex.

Commit to the book for a year.... Faster and cheaper than counseling. Maybe he's hoping to spread his wings a bit too.

RDMercer

He might very well be hoping to spread his wings. You are making assumptions about what he might or might not like based on how you have known him to be over the years, but he might differ from that set image in your mind, might himself be harboring desires he is too embarrassed to tell you about, and might actually welcome it if you take the initiative.