Wife Left

Resided in China for 20 years, married a Chinese women some 10 years ago ,(wife is 35 and myself 77 now) returned to Australia 4 years ago and with child and wife, she is very unhappy, myself not perfect some lies were told in our marriage but I am to blame on all most everything, she suffers depression blame me for it, suggesting I should see a therapist instead of her .

Sone after our daughter was born the she become aggressive and insulting and swearing at me angry at not listening at her advice about company matters, on many occasions she wouldn’t t stop yelling and swearing had to send her home with my driver, trashed the apartment a few times and I let it go thinking it has something to do with post-natal depressions, suggest then she should see a doctor but in China this is a no-no.

Then and now, attempting to have some kind of conversation is futile, she constantly interrupts and get very angry. Just before she left our home, told me she was dating on line to find out if she is still desirable and find love , that was very hurtful. My daughter tells me , “mama wants you to die to find another man younger to look after her”.

Left home some 3 weeks ago and said she needs time to evaluate our relationship and she wants to come back in two months. For the las 4 year no sex and the level of personal insults toward child and me and swearing is staggering. She said sorry for being a monster but her excuse ‘I am angry’. Twice had to call the police got crazy and attempted to commit suicide and taken to hospital , she convinced the doctors nothing wrong with her, they let he go back home. Despite everything , still ,call me stupid, I have felling’s for the women just very worried to let her back home without her seeking mental help , I have a child and she doesn’t want mom to come back home. The child become withdrawn, lost appetite and stroppy now , she tells me mama hurts her and I am scared of her.
As an aside, my wife is a very intelligent lady, I employed her in China as my translators, and she had a BS in Exterior Commence, she told her self very fluent in English and turns that she was very efficient in to running my aerospace business, year later she become partner in to the business. My wife had an affinity to the western world and at my retiring we moved to Australia.

Once she become an Australian citizen she enrolls at the universities to study law , first year passing all examination with very high percentage and she got herself a part time job as a clerical in a local law firm. She has a golden heart and shares with the family. Don’t understand how is possible someone with depression act normal and for some reason becomes a monster. Some time in my mind I think, was I used to a ticked to the west..? Our age gap is huge, then again culturally Chinese women don’t mind age and looks as long the man looks after them. Can folks with depression mask the change of personality..? what can I do to help, let her go to find her own way or keep soldering on..?

Respectfully
King Momo

Someone with a ''golden heart'' would not be abusive or hurt a child. Having depression is no excuse for abusing other people. Worse, you say your child is even scared of her because she hurts the child?! That is all you need to know to inform as to your next course of action.

I would not let this woman hurt a child. What to do? Protect the child. If that woman will not seek help and is abusive, then protect the child from further abuse.

Rive
Don’t people with depression become physically or verbally abusive…? I read on some scientific study ( Google) was conducted to explore the relationship between parental psychological abuse toward their children and mental health problems in their adolescence. Children need their mother. Should I explore some kind of cajoling her in to getting to seek mental help?
King Momo

We can’t diagnose your wife.

I’ve never heard of depression causing someone to become abusive.
You can’t make your wife to change her ways. She doesn’t sound depressed to me but if she is, it’s neither here nor there. She’s abusive.

What made you to marry a woman over 40 years younger than you? It’s unusual. Maybe she realized in a few years she’ll be your care giver. Age difference is acceptable but this isn’t regular age difference, you could be her grandfather. 42 years? My husband is 58. I can’t imagine anything on what planet he’d be interested in someone 42 years younger than him? 16 year old? It’s not a regular age difference. What the…

Did you focus on her human qualities or her youth and good looks when you marry her? People don’t change all of a sudden going from kind and loving to mean and abusive. Plus she started cheating early on. Why do you need her? She won’t change.

I’d not advocate for trying to get her back. File for full custody. Make sure your child is raised well

I second,( third?) the suggestion that you keep her away from your child. She’s not interested in a partnership. File for divorce on grounds of desertion. File for full custody and give her back her freedom. Depression is no excuse for trashing a place and hurting a child. Sounds like a personality disorder.

From what you have shared it sounds like your wife doesn’t want to take care of anyone and takes it out on you and your child.

You can’t fix this and the best thing you can do is distance yourself and your child from her.

I don't want to comment on depression as it hasn't been established whether has formally been diagnosed and/or what else is going on with her. Being depressed does not mean that one becomes physically or verbally abusive. Frankly, it does not really matter what your wife's diagnosis is. What matters is her abusive behaviour and her reluctance to take steps to *not* abuse her child.

You cannot cajole someone who does not want to get help and who does not take accountability. Your wife is an adult, she knows what she is doing and she knows there is a child involved. That does not stop her. And *that* says it all.

Children need their mother but not when they are scared of their mother or are, in turn, abused by their mother. This is seriously damaging for children.

Children never need a physically abusive mother.

You're the adult in this situation. For goodness sake, remove the child from further harm, please.

You have a responsibility towards your daughter to protect her.