A Toxic Female Friend? A Toxic Social Scene?

Ok I would love some input and support on this one....

So, I have a new-ish female friend that I recently had to set a boundary with. I told her the subject matter is just too dark for me, and that I am trying to focus on positives and healing any trauma in my own life.

To back up with this story:

We quickly became buddies through our local music scene. We immediately clicked, we exchanged numbers, hung out sometimes, and then started talking on the phone, and at great length. She had even stayed at my home overnight once.

She just broke up with another bf, whom she dated for the last year, who would trigger her into states of uncontrolled crying.

Well, this woman started dumping ALL her life problems on me SUPER FAST, she unleashed and uncontrollably BAWLED on the phone with me several times, early on in our friendship, and after a month of this, with many lengthy phone calls lasting over an hour and sometimes, almost 2 hours, it was clear she wanted me to function as some sort of counselor or therapist for her.

I had given her several resources for her to seek out domestic violence peer support. I sent her several Facebook DV groups to join.. she didn't follow up and she didn't join one single one! Instead, she wanted to keep talking it out with me on the phone. I work full time, she doesn't. My time and energy are limited....

Well, after I had set this limit with her and because the last time I bumped into her, she was being super distant with me, on Sunday I told her (via text) that my intention wasn't to end our friendship, but that I only wanted to limit conversation about her abusive ex.

She blew it off that day, briefly writing back that she was "super busy" and to have a nice day.

And then last night she got nasty with me in reply...

Via text she told me that she doesn't want to hear about my ex's either and that she doesn't want to talk anymore. Then she said she will still hug me when she sees me and that we're still "friends". She ended it by saying "peace".

I lost it after reading that. I felt it was a nasty way to respond to my setting a healthy boundary, so I replied by telling her that that is a fake friendship to me, that I don't tolerate fake friendships, and that not wanting to talk at all anymore was BS. So I said, no need to reply, and then blocked and unfriended her.

I did this also on the heels of her quickly posting a meme on Facebook about how some friends suddenly drop you when things are hardest. I confronted that with her, telling her if it was about ME in any way, that it was very passive aggressive of her to post that.

So that's the end of that friendship..

So, the issue is also this:

In my social scene, I keep running across people who are either shady with checkered pasts, traumatized, drug addicts, or emotionally unbalanced people somehow....

I have to either change my scenery and how I am meeting and making new friends, or perhaps it's me that is toxic. At this point, I really don't know anymore, but I am personally in a far healthier place in my life, and I am trying to adopt healthier habits. I, too, had exited from an abusive marriage only just a year ago... that being said, I know I have some triggers and that I can react strongly to those triggers.

And maybe it's my particular Deadhead hippie dippy music scene: the land of the misfits as I recently started calling it... that's the social scene I hang out in.

I keep trying to meet single eligible men in this scene and make new female friends, and it's not exactly working out as I had hoped. :/ I love my music, and I love dancing, but maybe I need to stop trying to meet and make friends in this scene.

What are your thoughts on the above?

I think its time to find other friends in other places! You don't need that type of energy around you.

Not everyone respects boundaries. They'll just trample all over them. She has issues she needs to deal with. You are not her counselor. You made your stance clear with her. It's a pity she didn't respect that. Agree with the above poster ... might be time to try make friends elsewhere.

Thank you both for your supportive replies and advice.

I believe you're right.... I really don't need that kind of dark energy around me, and I am not having a whole lot of luck finding like-minded peeps in this Deadhead hippie crowd.

I do need to branch out! I just need to gather some courage since I have been in a music scene of sorts for the last 30 years!!! OYE!

I guess I am also feeling incredibly guilty on top of all that I wrote already... I am truly thinking that I may also be toxic myself.

I came out of an abusive marriage with all these hopes that I would meet some great people now that I am on my own.

After leaving an abusive marriage, I did a LOT of personal work and healing on my own through videos, articles, and meditations.... a year later, I felt indifferent to my ex husband - like devoid of ANY emotion towards him. I felt healed. I felt better.

But still, since leaving my marriage, I've had to rebuild a life and create new friendships since I had let go of nearly ALL friendships during all the abuse.

So, I've been out in my music scene (mainly) socializing and meeting new people. Well, every person that has befriended me has turned out to be in fact, quite mentally ill and unbalanced emotionally and mentally.

Maybe I gravitate towards these types BECAUSE of the broken parts of myself that still exist within me....

Either way, that's the kind of person I have attracted and who has befriended me - and every time, it's blown up in my face, with a negative, explosive ending. I get to a point where I cannot tolerate their behavior anymore, which I label as being "toxic", I confront them with their negative behavior that is effecting me, and it all blows up in my face.

That's been the pattern. With men, it's been somewhat similar, although I haven't exactly dated all mentally ill men or unstable men since leaving my marriage. I am still friendly with several men I've dated, and it hasn't ended well with a couple of others, so we don't talk anymore.

So, what am I getting at?

I have been leaning on one new-ish friend too much through all the drama I've experienced with different men and these "toxic" friends I've talked about, which is making me now feel that I am behaving in a toxic way, probably draining my friend of energy! Oye! That's the LAST thing I want.

I feel like recoiling entirely until I feel better. I don't want to drain my new friend. I don't want to be an energy vampire.... or toxic. I need to reign it all in somehow, and stop sharing and leaning on her for support through anymore drama.

I am trying to introspect to:

1) identify the patterns that are occurring with friendships and men I'm dating
2) see how I have contributed to the patterns and what I am attracting
3) be humble enough to know and see where I have gone wrong and what I am doing to contribute to the problem
4) change my own behaviors and therefore, the patterns I am witnessing and experiencing

So there it is. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.

On that note, it must BE ME.... I am the common thread amongst all my friendships and relationships, so it has to be me. So, what I am doing wrong? How can I improve and change these unhealthy patterns in my life?

Admittedly, I've been very enthusiastic and open about meeting new peeps to bring into my circle. I don't want to say "desperate" because I am good on my own too. In fact, I am quite good with solitude and alone time and I can be alone for extended periods of time just fine. But then I need to socialize too.

So, I am very open and I am very open-minded and accepting of people's differences, and of those who are very different than me. I am very accepting of all those I meet.

As an example, I befriended a transgender woman last year (through my hippie music scene), who totally turned on me after a few months of friendship. She turned out to be oh my goodness - SO TOXIC for me. She eventually turns sour on just about everybody she meets and is full of negative energy. BUT, when I first started hanging out with her, she was extremely compassionate and welcoming, a great friend to talk to and confide in about anything, and she provided me with a feeling of emotional safety - at least in the beginning. Now, we are no longer friends. She is losing friends all the time within our music community and no one wants to hang out with her.

Next, I befriended a very different woman (again, through my hippie music scene) who also turned on me. She turned out to be an angry alcoholic, but I didn't know anything about this until we traveled out of state together for a weekend. She drank far too much alcohol, and became enraged with me over something minor that did not warrant any anger or rage. This woman had done the same exact things to her recent ex boyfriend. So, that friendship ended badly as well.

Same thing happened with this most recent female "friend" who is disabled and abused. That friendship imploded on me very quickly too. I didn't know at first that she had been SO badly abused....

So, I get close to someone, then eventually and suddenly, it explodes.

Perhaps I let people into my life waaaayyyyyyy too quickly? Maybe I am TOO open. TOO receptive. TOO accepting????

Maybe I still carry some sort of innocent naiveté within me that wants to still believe, deep down, that everyone is a good person, and that everyone will treat me the way I expect to be treated?

Same thing with men and romantic relationships - more than once, I've ignored red flags and I've allowed the relationship to develop far too quickly. It's intense and passionate at first, and then it explodes once I learn that they are in fact, disrespectful of women, and not as good of a person as I had initially thought.

Ok, so I am very open and very receptive to all kinds of people, and I don't take my time to get to know someone in a slower, cautious, and healthy way. I leap before I look under the hood..... ?????? I've unfortunately, done the same things with my jobs and career. BUT that's a different story altogether.

My now deceased father, who was a psychiatrist, used to say to me all the time: WHY do you adopt all the broken-winged people???? He noticed a pattern with my romantic relationships. It's true that I have typically dated the more broken people.

So, maybe I am broken and need to fix myself before I even TRY to venture into the world to meet new people for friendship OR a romance. But that could take the rest of my life!!!!!

Yeah, I've been broken, for certain. I STILL struggle with an eating disorder that NO ONE knows about IRL. It's been a silent battle that I manage and struggle with ALL ALONE.

I've suffered FAR MORE BULLYING AND ABUSE than I care to even admit or think about.... at school as a kid, at work as an adult, and in my romantic relationships as an adult.

Maybe I have low self esteem? And that is what is driving these unhealthy patterns? I walk and speak with confidence, but inside? Perhaps I am not even aware of this inside of me?

What's odd --- I DO think of myself as a phoenix rising. I still dust myself off, I smile, I laugh, I am bright eyed, bushy tailed and full of life and enthusiastic, despite all of it, and I don't let bullies and/or abusers keep me down for too long.

Maybe I need a spiritual "cleanse"? Maybe I need chakra healing? Maybe I need yet another therapist????? ARGH.

I am 53 years old! I haven't found that many great therapists, and the last few have been terrible and not at all helpful! So, I gave up.

Or, MAYBE it's that I have NO firm boundaries with people in the beginning when I first meet them?????? THIS could be a part of the problem. I DO get very close very quickly and allow emotional intimacy very fast. Boundaries have been an issue that keep coming up in my mind.

Any thoughts on any of the above, dear community members reading through?

I may be getting to the core of the issue: LOOSE OR NO BOUNDARIES... AHA.... HMMMMM.....

I am sweet as pie, then as soon as someone crosses my boundaries, look out. I am NOT so sweet anymore. But at first.... maybe my ISSUE has been a LACK OF BOUNDARIES.

Dropping this article here for myself and anyone else who may need it too:
Causes & Solutions To Lack of Boundaries | Breaking Boundaries

These are all good, important thoughts. I suggest finding a new, good therapist. An eating disorder is something extremely hard to handle on your own and you deserve professional support for that.

A recent therapist told me that I am "too old" to have an eating disorder. He shamed me and I never returned.

Some doctors have said things to me that were triggering and unhelpful to say the least, too. This therapist who says you are too old is wrong. I’m not an expert, but I don’t think everyone “out grows” this, and it can’t happen to adults. I’ve never heard anything like that.

You should definitely find another therapist who works with people with eating disorders.

The last time I tried to find a therapist, it failed. And the last therapist I saw on a regular basis caused more harm than good. I don't trust therapy anymore, that's the problem, and the search for the right match is utterly exhausting, in my experience. I have given up on therapy, at least for now. At this point, I need to figure things out for myself and problem-solve on my own. I joined eating disorder support groups on Facebook. That's the most support I will get on this issue at the moment.

So, last night I went out with a platonic male friend. He was great, but my mood was low and it was really hard for me to feel good or to have a good time. :/

I am feeling the weight of all these issues on my shoulders, and it's coloring my world a darker color. I feel a dark cloud hanging over me like a depression. I am fighting it and I am fighting allowing myself to go into a depressed state. But it's there, I feel it, and it's very real.

It didn't help AT ALL that when we got to see the band we planned on seeing, the band contributed to my darker mood by explaining they had just lost a band member earlier in the week, who had died. I ended up wrapping up the night early. It just wasn't very fun, but I wanted to get out and I needed to get out since I stayed in by myself all last weekend.

I really hope tonight will bring some fun into my world. I need it... badly. I need to dance, to smile, to feel free, and to feel like my happy self again. Where is she?????

The frequent rain and dark clouds are also likely contributing to my low mood these days. It's been raining and cloudy for days.

I ran into the ex toxic female friend last night. We ignored each other, as though we don't even know one another. The whole thing is so bizarre to me. We became close, then an explosion occurs, and now we act like complete strangers. How ODD.

She recently posted on Facebook pics of her Another girlfriend shared the post with me since I have the other gf blocked.

Wth? To me it seems like she's trying to garner sympathy and in a very public manner. I would never dream of doing that, but maybe I am much more private? I don't share many, if at all, of my personal issues on Facebook for all my contacts and friends to see. The only issue I've shared is having run into many toxic people and abusers in my life and being tired of it all.

I don't know why this bothers me so much. Maybe bc it seems pathetic and manipulative to me, similar to how she looked to me to function as a therapist. Now, she's turning to Facebook friends for therapy. Or, maybe it's that I personally have a lot of pride and this seems like bottom of the barrel to me, so I cannot relate. Idk.

I stayed in all week and avoided my music social scene. I am feeling better now that I haven't had much contact with people, which tells me a lot about myself. I need solo time to regroup and ground myself.

I am going out tonight to see music, out of state an hour north. I hope and pray that nothing bad happens. I need a smooth sailing night.

Maybe the key is for me to just keep conversation on a surface level with people when I am out. I tend to desire deeper, more real conversations with people, but I now know I need to keep my distance and protect myself far better than I have been lately.