Abandonment Issues

I think it’s important to have clear deal breakers and stick to them. They are very subjective. So I’d not worry what other people consider deal breakers. Only what I do.for example, I’d not date anyone who drinks, does or did hard core drugs and smokes pot or ingest weed in any other ways. Nope. Never. Does it mean others shouldn’t? Of course not. It’s MY deal breaker.

I have other very clearly defined deal breakers. I think when you have those, you’d less likely to be in a bad relationship. Figure out what’s absolutely a NO for you and stick to it no matter what.

I don't trust myself to wisely chose a mate.

Does an old fashioned date mean he's a good guy and I should pursue him?

He told me all those things on the date and after

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I do need to determine my deal-breakers. I'm learning though, and I think that's what dating is all about.

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I meant you need to know your deal breakers before you date. Dating is for figuring if you are interested in a man, not what your deal breakers are.

Old fashioned date doesn’t mean anything, let alone that he’s a good or a bad person.

Some totally horrible folks have charisma and know what the right things to say to a woman or what kind of dates women prefer. Not an indication of anything

Oh, I see what you meant.
I guess I need to figure out my deal breakers then. I have some already, but then unique situations come up.
Such as NOT dating a recovering addict/alcoholic who rarely attends meetings.

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Maybe not but he might be using other recovery methods. Therapy? Doctor? Other recovery groups? NA or AA aren’t the only resources.

I asked him and he said he talks to "the guys" when he needs to. Whatever that means. He also said he's been doing it long enough to know what he's doing.

Anyways, I told him I'd be OK just being friends

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What I mean is that (thank you for clarifying answers) you essentially went on a safe job interview with the guy. You learned those concerns (I agree with Divine that they might or might not be deal breakers, depending on personal preferences) DURING that job interview. It is not even that knowing that there were potential red flags, you STILL accepted the date. No, you accepted the date to LEARN about the guy and you indeed LEARNED about him. How else would you have learned, after all? You are not a clairvoyant. So there is absolutely nothing to second guess yourself here.

You went on an information seeking expedition in an environment that was totally safe, you did not sleep with the guy on the first date for goodness sake, and now, in the safety of your home, in an unrushed manner, and in the company of your online peers who might provide helpful suggestions, you are considering the information you acquired and whether this information constitutes red flags for you. So far so good. What did you do wrong in your opinion?

Do you mean that you expect him to attend weekly meetings for life?

When you put things that way, I guess I did nothing wrong this time. I have a history of choosing abusive partners, so my radar is off.
I live alone. My kids are grown (I struggle with relationships with them, too). I don't speak to family. And I have 2 friends.
My confidence is very low, and I don't trust myself to choose wisely.
That's why I come here and go to counseling

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Hey, I'm still learning.
I was basing that comment off of @divine1966 comments to me.
Read what they wrote.
But, I can see that from my perspective, I don't feel as though he's healthy enough for me to pursue.

So I've moved on. Lesson learned.

I'll let you all know about the next date!
You can help me with that one! If I get one...

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I looked up definitions:

A red flag is a warning of danger. A DEAL-BREAKER is someone or something that prevents a deal or arrangement from being reached or fulfilled.

Personally, I view a red flag as a sign that something worse may happen down the road. Sometimes, I see the red flag and get out of the budding relationship based on just the behavior I saw, without really knowing if something worse would happen. Sometimes, I missed the red flags and looked back in hindsight and then recognized they were there, after the bad things did happen in the relationship.

If being in a relationship, and maybe eventually marriage is the “deal”, then the deal breaker is something that person said or did that would cause me to slam on the brakes and get away from them. In reality, I did not know what all my deal breakers were until someone crossed the line. And I let people break them and break them, and kept letting them cross the line until finally enough was enough and the deal was actually broken. I’m sure I’m not alone in this, and others have done it too.

You say you don’t trust yourself to choose a good partner. Well, you do know a good one from a bad one. You do know what you like and dislike and what makes you feel good or bad. It’s a balancing act. Some people are of the mindset they will not tolerate anything that they decided against, and they stick to that. Others will put up with quite a lot, beyond what they tell themselves they will.

I think being a healthy person means having a good sense of what you will and won’t put up with and leaving some wiggle room for healthy enough, good intentioned but imperfect people.

Idk, what do you think?

I know a lovely woman, very beautiful and intelligent, and when we had lunch one day she ordered her steak well done with no vegetables.

I thought, "Who hurt you, that you do this to yourself?"

So....

How YOU doin'?

Sorry.... Please laugh.

Yeah, you gotta look for those green flags.

It was me who asked about how old you were when you were adopted and what your experiences were like.

I'm learning too. I'm of an age where I'm going, "That looks like a good pension plan", and I'm still learning.

I think it is important that you (anyone) feels safe and relaxed. If you come from an environment where you feel heightened and unsafe, it's easy to end up back in that because it's familiar, not because it's good.

RDMercer

Very well said! I like this. I can see how much thought you've put into it.

I can use all the above for future references too!

You all are so kind and helpful

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Aha...you're the joker in the bunch!

Pension plans are important!! Who's going to help me walk to do my errands? Or put up with my poor hearing?


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Hello
Does this seem like a red flag?

I guy I'm talking to said someone tried to kill him once by putting fentanyl in his drink. He OD from it and the EMS used 3 does of NARCAN.
This doesn't seem right to me...and it makes me uncomfortable too
What do you think?

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Do you mean to say that you want to avoid relationships with men whose contacts can be violent to the point of plotting a murder? Of murdering him, in particular?

Or do you mean to say that the story doesn't ring true and you are concerned that you are dealing with a liar?

Or something else altogether?

YES, a definite red flag - he likely made that up. And, very importantly, it made you feel uncomfortable. Pay attention to how things make you feel in your gut. If your gut is telling you something is off, then something is off.