Changing my responses

This is called bargaining. It’s part of the grieving process when a relationship is breaking apart. It’s important to remember that if it was in your wife’s power she would take it all from you and leave you homeless.

That’s hard to accept when it’s someone you loved.

I’ve mentioned before about this woman who jumped into my life last year when I told her I was going through a separation. She was immediately very protective and defensive of me and the kids.

I’ve since found out she was in a long term relationship, since high school, with someone who became progressively more abusive.

She told me her youngest was two when she fully realized who her husband was. Over the next ten years she moved utility bills into her name. Then she assumed responsibility for paying the mortgage. When the mortgage renewed, somehow she was able to renew it in just her name.

Once her youngest was 13, and her husband had no say where the child lived, she kicked him out. Her husband had nothing to prove that was actually his home at that point!

This woman recently told me “ you come to terms with it that this is a person who can cause harm to your family, because chaos, disorder, lack of stability, and financial hits are HARM. Then you ACT on that. Not on your feelings. My thoughts and feelings haven’t aligned in almost 15 years. You have to act on what’s real.”

I’m blown away by the mental strength some people have.

Your friend is absolutely correct. Sometimes we get so hung up on the psychological aspects of life we forget that acting logically on reality is what we need to do

I started off this thread with “changing my responses”

Is just like to say, I’ve kept that focus in my mind for months.

When things blew up at work I was wrecked for about two weeks, but forced myself to refocus my thinking. There are people who carry an insurmountable degree of injustice. The one I was complaining about??? I missed out on a promotion and don’t fit the mood at work. Oh well

I came to realizations about my father. He’s a damaged person who grew up with trauma. He’s a good, moral person. He’s never wrong, and he’s not empathetic. He actually has some kind of emotional block, and admitting he’s wrong makes him vulnerable. Ok. Lots of people have grown up with worse.

Even my hopes of other work has changed. My relationship with my prospective partners has become less frantic and less heightened and more realistic and focused to “what can we do, right now, to start? And how can we grow with little risk?”

And, I’ve become more demanding of the kids. Sorry. I can’t do it all. Y’all need to help more. Love you tho!



RDMercer

Wonderful. We are never too old to learn, grow & change

@RDMercer checking in with you. How are things going?

For the most part really good. There’s this source of chaos on the periphery of my life but I’m increasingly immune to her.

She’s caused me some small financial hits. But that’s ok. At SOME point we’ll end up in court and this is all easily provable and she’ll look foolish and vindictive. The costs she’s caused me aren’t mine, they’re hers. I can envision us never returning to court because she won’t want to face that.

I’m overwhelmingly busy. But work is enjoyable. I’ve been tasked with training three new hires. Somehow my “inability to work with others” isn’t apparent anytime training and support is required and is only used to justify not promoting me. Oh well.

My side work, teaching, training, and consulting is picking up and two small business owners have met with me several times now to see if we can find mutually beneficial ways to expand that.

I am TIRED much of the time because there’s so much going on

The kids are healthy and happy. My daughter and I are together often and she’s gotten the message that Dad needs more help at home, and that help equals more time for fun. That girl likes anything with horsepower. She’s in a week of dirt bike lessons next week.

This weekend we all drove the 6 hours to see my folks. The oldest drove us in his car. I got to be in a car of young people who all enjoy each other with music cranking for the whole drive

At home I often just enjoy the silence now. Not even any music or background noise

I have low days and setbacks. I feel alone sometimes. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. And I feel hopeful sometimes. I still go through periods of wondering if I could ever get through to her and get back to a family life, but I try not to ruminate on that.

That’s it I think.

Something else that’s different that I’m thankful for…

The opportunity to contribute.

The last time we came here my parents had said their dishwasher was broken. I was able to bring a dishwasher in my minivan and install it for them. A local community centre my dad and brother volunteer at lost their hot water and a couple of electrical outlets and I was able to spend a few hours working on that to fix it. My father had said one of the neighbours had a deck that needed work and I was able to go and show him what was wrong and how it could be fixed and ordered the materials for him. The rain kept me from doing the job though.

This morning my brother said his car needs work and it’s a two week wait to get into the garage. He said he’s scared to drive it. So, I started working on it, but my oldest has taken over the job. He’s doing a great job.

All the kids came to help make lunch, and they’re all clearing dishes now.

I’m heading out to get my parents hearing aid batteries right now.

I am so thankful for all of this.

My family have totally driven me insane at times but they’ve also been generous with me at times. I’m so happy to be able to contribute in return.

@RDMercer how are things going?

Things are good.

I remain blown away at the peace in our home.

I went off-roading early Friday morning with my oldest, did a ton of chores at home with the kids all afternoon. His GF came over and joined us for supper, then we all walked to the neighbours for dessert

Saturday we had friends in for lunch. Saturday night we went to other neighbours for game night

Sunday we each did our own thing, but had dinner and the evening together.

Took my daughter shopping for clothes and we were at the gym together tonight.

My first side gig contract is done and I have two more waiting. I began the next one today. And I have a longer term side contract coming in late September it looks like.

Lonely though. Grieving quietly a lot lately.

Dr Ramani talks about grieving your entire world view and the story that shaped your world. That’s true.

It’s 4 months since I’ve heard from her, except for 5 minutes one day that she called for our daughter and I answered.

Maybe her life is good. Maybe it’s all crumbling. Maybe she has regrets. Maybe she’s pleased or full of vengeance. No idea.

It’s 20 months apart. Not one question about the kids. Not. One. Not so much as Are they OK? Do they need anything?

I mourn that for the kids too.

RDM

Wow....all that time & she hasn't even asked about the kids or really tried to get together with them....What a schmuck.

I have to admit when I left my husband (my daughter had already moved out of state) I wasn't sure what she thought of me for doing that. It took awhile to know that she was ok with it & actually understood. That was a relief for me because his mom thought I was evil & that her son was the saint.

Sounds like your kids could care less if they ever hear from their mom? They are probably feeling so much relief from the stress they don't want to go back to that & they may feel so.much relief that they aren't mourning as they may not even see/feel it as a loss.

I’ve talked to them about connecting with their mom often

Ultimately the youngest said “You have to stop! This makes me insecure! I need to be safe here!”

She was physically aggressive with the oldest when he was a boy. Those stories have continued to trickle out. She’d pushed him to the floor and cursed him out. Never struck him. He raged at me for trying to talk about peace. I told him, There’s validation you need that I can’t give you. I’m not trying to work against you. I just want you to feel whole. He understood that but told me it was over and to stop.

Done.

I haven’t tried to get her to show an interest in the kids since March 2023. She leaves small gift bags at the door at odd times on their birthdays but that’s been it. Not one question about them.

In May last year one of the kids needed to see a doctor and I realized she’d taken the insurance info and cards. When I texted her and told her I needed it, she texted back a picture of their cards and birth certificates on her sofa and said “you’re never getting these” and STILL never asked why we were going to the doctor

Sometimes when I really question myself, I remind myself…. If someone raised my kids in my stead, I’d feel indebted to them and speak about them respectfully. I was never afforded that.

Yeah, I’m lonely sometimes. And being around couples is hard and being around cynical singles is hard. I’m not cynical. I believe in love, marriage and commitment to a partner still. I speak to the kids hopefully about their future lives and families.

Actually confronting that the person I was DEVOTED to was just a shell, a veneer, and not a whole person is staggering.

As I’ve said before. By my nature I’m a problem solver, and I’m good at making sense of things in the world. It’s in my nature to ruminate and try to solve this. I bet I’ve written and deleted a hundred emails this year. I haven’t FULLY accepted she’s unreachable, but I HAVE accepted anything I say or do could be twisted against me in court. So I’ve let my lawyer do the talking since a long time now.

RDM

Sometimes I think kids have the wisdom we try hard to talk & think our way out of. I wish I had listened to my young self before I got married telling myself "not to" instead of thinking & talking my way into it. Lol....life might just be a lot less complex

Save that email she sent you of the insurance cards and birth records. You have full custody so she has no right to deny you of those records. You should share that email with your lawyer.

Seeing the truth can be hard and heart breaking. We can love someone that just is not capable of loving us back. I think you projected your values on her and she is showing you that she is not the person you imagined her to be.

It sounds like your ex is a person who got seriously damaged somewhere along the line. Probably something was wrong in the dynamics of the family she came from. Nobody gets that twisted all by themselves. She had help.

It's good that your kids are with you in a stable environment where they feel safe and loved. They deserve that. Hopefully, they can come to see their mother as a troubled person. They should not be put in situations where they are vulnerable to being maltreated by her. I wouldn't force them to hang out with her. But feeling contempt toward her should be discouraged. For all we know, how she is may be all that she's capable of being. That doesn't mean she gets a right to make trouble for you and the kids. Boundaries have to be set and maintained. Life will impose a cost on her for any bad choices she has made or will make. If she stays remote from involvement with her children, that may actually be in their best interests.

I think part of why this has been so hard for me is because I haven’t indulged in any anger. It’s been important to me that I feel and process things. That’s left me more vulnerable though.

I don’t foster or hold any contempt. It’s more disbelief and being Incredulous at things she’s said and done. I think she’s a damaged soul.

The thing is, I would have loved her despite that.

A few years back my oldest was in a bad, frantic, dramatic relationship. Recently he said “Don’t you remember what you told me? You said when you hear about a drowning there are often two people. A drowning person will use you like a life raft and pull you down with them. You said, you offer them a line or throw them a life jacket but it’s up to them to grab it. Do the same in your relationships.

Dad, you gotta let her sink or we all go down.”

Moving on.

RDM

It’s been hard to recover too because part of the process is gaining and accepting external validation.

I feel guilty anytime I tell someone the truth about things that occurred here. It’s been hard to accept who she is, but also not trying to sully her reputation.

I’ve needed validation, and so have the kids, which would require telling our story. But doing that tarnishes her. So. It’s easier to have very limited contacts.

RDMercer

Do those people you tell your story to have anything to do with your "wife" that it could possibly "tarnish" her?

I found that my now ex never had anything to do with "our" friends after I left so when I told them the TRUTH about the situation they never saw him anyway. Besides, if TRUTH tarnishes then so be it. My daughter got the facts on everything her dad did before & after I left. I never said anything bad about him but gave her the facts so she could understand what was happening. He lied about the facts. I just let her deal with her handling of that. He was a good dad to her growing up...he was just a crappy husband our whole marriage. She has a right to know the truth so she can understand what is going on. I don't talk about feelings or even my opinions to her but I do provide facts. Up to others how they "feel" about it

We’ve latched onto a retired former colleague of mine and his family. There’s no crossover there. My wife never met him. Because the kids often came to work with me he’d known them since 10 years.

And a few other families who stepped up in the early days and said “we always knew something was up. You and the kids are welcome here anytime “. I’m blessed for those families.

I think part of the isolation feeling comes from socializing as a single person. I just struggle with that I think.

I also feel like I have to justify or explain umpteen different things. I know I don’t cognitively I just feel that way.

The kids and you are in a good position to validate each other because you all, at the same time, lived through this experience of dealing with this damaged woman. Family counseling for the kids and you, together as a group, might be very helpful. The details of how your marriage disintegrated is no one else's business. When we feel we've been treated badly, it is gratifying to hear others confirm that we were used or abused. But I wouldn't go confiding to people at random. Close family and old friends might be okay to confide in. Support groups like this are appropriate for sharing your situation and getting feedback.

People are nosey. New people you meet will be curious about why your kids are with you and where's their mother. Don't mistake curiosity for empathy.