Changing my responses

We’re entering family counselling

The kids are in individual counselling and we’ve talked about stuff at home, but they want a structured environment to talk.

That will be good for you all & should be good for bonding you all even closer together

----->When we feel we've been treated badly, it is gratifying to hear others confirm that we were used or abused. But I wouldn't go confiding to people at random. Close family and old friends might be okay to confide in. Support groups like this are appropriate for sharing your situation and getting feedback.

People are nosey. New people you meet will be curious about why your kids are with you and where's their mother. Don't mistake curiosity for empathy.<----

ITA with this.

One of the toughest, and potentially confusing, parts of recovering from being immersed in someone else's disorder, is how good the truth actually feels. Once you take the rose colored glasses off, and quit covering for/catering to the disordered person, there can be a sense of reality and freedom that you haven't felt in a long time. It feels good and you want to stay in that vein- want the other person to finally be responsible for their share of the mess.

But it's confusing because we still doubt ourselves. It's natural and normal to look to other people to validate us, but not everyone is appropriate for that role, and even then it's a good idea to contemplate the details and just how much to share with them. Sharing too much, or the wrong thing, can end up being off-putting.

Only share any gritty details with people that you know are unconditionally in your corner. Other people get a glossed over version, or nothing at all - and that's generally only if they ask the questions to begin with. It's important to own your truth, but there can be a fine line before you risk coming across as "playing the victim" (even if you legitimately are the victim).

You don’t have to be angry. I find for myself the strongest feeling is deep disappointment. I would rather distance then engage in toxic interactions. I was betrayed badly by an older sister I thought was safe to love and trust. Well, it turned out that she was extorting thousands from my parents and lied to them in telling them it was me. I was very close to my parents and was devastated when I learned how she was gaslighting them to not trust me.

I pray they are in heaven and know the truth. I learned that you can love someone who will rip the rug out from under you even though they are family.