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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,879
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#21
Quote:
__________________ ![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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![]() ArmorPlate108, Tart Cherry Jam, unaluna
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![]() ArmorPlate108, Tart Cherry Jam, unaluna
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 40,484
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#22
Um - girls dont know that! Armorplate sounds tough. And hey it got the job done!
![]() Prodigal son isnt bible thumping? Uh... im speechless! |
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 818
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#23
Dad clashed with my wife a lot about correcting her about petty things, especially petty religious things.
I actually thought, "OK... Now that we aren't together, at least here I can have some peace." Nope. This just felt like such a sucker punch. I was feeling so good after Christmas, and then the review of my parenting skills from my time visiting over the holidays showed up in my email. It created fear in me, and actually changed things for me. I've felt like really invalidated at times before, but now I actually feel like my safety as someone fighting for his kids has been affected. We live in a small-ish town. My kids are reluctant to go out much because they don't want to bump into their mother. Now I don't feel safe going back to my home town. I could totally, totally be over reacting. But this WAS an unprovoked series of comments about me as a parent, and something that if said publicly would actually affect my efforts in court. Yeah. Maybe I'm not overreacting. |
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![]() ArmorPlate108, Open Eyes, unaluna
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 40,484
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13 67.8k hugs
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#24
Why or how would a judge or mediator or whatever be made aware of your father's opinion? And why would they give evidence NOT presented in court any weight at all? You dont have to answer of course, but this sounds like magical thinking. Like you are a little boy still under your father's power. It may FEEL like that, and there may be people in the community who align with him and not with you, but you can still hold on to your own truth. I do, and i dont even have kids. Just my fans here! Okay, fan.
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 818
11 80 hugs
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#25
Fear and paranoia speaking, I expect.
But I also don't want to be around someone who isn't in full support of me and the kids right now. As for how I could imagine someone would ever know??? Dad starts telling people about his concerns about me and parenting. My wife is still in touch with lots of people in my extended family and circle of old friends on social media and it reaches her. Information about his concerns are clipped from an email/text/social media between my wife and an extended family member or someone else from back home. It would be something to sully me, or cast me into question in family court. |
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![]() ArmorPlate108, Open Eyes
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 818
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#26
She has already included texts between her, family, and friends in court.
It sounds magical. It's more like.... Unlikely.... Not magical. |
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 40,484
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13 67.8k hugs
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#27
Okay, but from what you described of your last court date, those things never get entered into the record. Your wife is the Alina Habba (trump attorney) of irrelevant and ignored court statements.
Its very easy to - whats the word? masticate? perseverate? Go around in circles in your mind. Obsess. I cant think of the word. As Cher said to nic cage, "Snap out of it!" ![]() |
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Member
Member Since Mar 2022
Location: In the west
Posts: 424
2 1,071 hugs
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#28
I could totally, totally be over reacting. But this WAS an unprovoked series of comments about me as a parent, and something that if said publicly would actually affect my efforts in court.
Yeah. Maybe I'm not overreacting. You're not overreacting. Disordered people can be unpredictable, which is a big part of why they're scary. Don't give him any rope to hang you with. Now may not be the time to try to have any significant interaction with him. Greyrocking is good. In time, your legal stuff will be over, the kids get older, things change. You can reassess and change your approach in the future- if it even matters then. One would hope that a court would require proof (which wouldn't exist), rather than rely on hearsay, no matter who those people are. ![]() |
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 818
11 80 hugs
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#29
It's hearsay until she has someone subpoenaed.
My uncle was with a woman who was removed from their home by family services for beating their children. He got sole custody. There were STILL people in our family that thought it wasn't right OR GODLY for children to be away from their mother, and so they supported her. Nothing came from it. But I think a lack of vigilance is a bad idea. In construction you do field level risk assessments, based on likelihood and severity of consequences. Something unlikely with permanent consequences is a major risk. My wife has posed as me on social media and contacted family. I think this is a major risk. |
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![]() ArmorPlate108, Open Eyes
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 40,484
(SuperPoster!)
13 67.8k hugs
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#30
Quote:
2. Tell your lawyer. Cuz thats like parental alienation. Or at least slander. Or definitely fraud. And didnt the uncle story turn out good? Im retired, but why arent you working?! Dont get fired! Ruminating! Thats the word i was looking for. It FEELS all encompassing because of the repetition compulsion aspect. Sisyphus. You are trying to right what went wrong in your childhood. Thats incredibly compelling. It can drive people in a very big way. Some people say thats whats up with trump, wanting love from his dad. So its a powerful force. But it doesnt mean its CORRECT. Or worthwhile. You can make choices. You are free to choose. |
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Member
Member Since Mar 2022
Location: In the west
Posts: 424
2 1,071 hugs
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#31
ITA about remaining vigilant.
One of the books I read, about dealing with a borderline person, talked a bit about legal cases where a borderline completely manipulated the legal system in their favor. Definitely don't get complacent, make sure your bases are covered, but don't wear yourself out over possibilities either. ![]() |
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![]() Open Eyes, unaluna
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,433
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21 81.4k hugs
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#32
Quote:
![]() I agree, there are many people who don't deserve our consideration, as they have been repeatedly disrespectful to us. ![]() ![]() ![]() __________________ ![]() |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,879
(SuperPoster!)
19 14.8k hugs
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#33
Something else came up today that made me reflect on why I usually always tend to respond in the first place. I notice when someone says something I disagree with I don't want to just walk away because I don't want them to think I agree with them. All my life I saw silence as consent to what they were saying or going along with what they said & I never wanted someone I disagreed with to think I agreed with them.
Lol....now I have my say & end the conversation with my rebuttal. For me it is very hard not to respond to things people say that I disagree with but with some people not responding at all is the best solution or taking control of the conversation & changing it in a different direction. The problem with having a different opinion that sometimes it ends up in an argument or twisting what you say & as you know from your experience.....not a good result either. I have also realized that many times I have wanted to have the last say & that just drags the crap on rather than ending it. I became more aware of this lately & I can see it in others who are that way too & am getting more practiced in conversations __________________ ![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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![]() Fuzzybear, Open Eyes, seesaw, unaluna
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 818
11 80 hugs
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#34
I'm going to quit ruminating so much.
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![]() eskielover, Fuzzybear, Open Eyes, unaluna
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 818
11 80 hugs
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#35
This is hard. This time I've said things that can't be undone.
I told my dad in front of my brother, that dad has covert narcissistic traits. I said, I'm poked, and poked, and poked, until I respond. You've both treated me like I'm too angry my whole life, but this is what's always happened. I said I'd begged dad to stop picking stuff with my wife while we were together but he wouldn't, and that all created pain, hardship and drama in my home for years, but he "had to say these things to witness for the Lord". I've since given them both dozens of examples of similar things. Which, of course makes me look crazy and angry. My brother knew about the stuff with my wife, but dad had already planted it that she'd started all those instances. I really believe I've over reacted in my response this time, but my therapist said, "Of course. You have PTSD. Look at the effects of a firecracker on a veteran." So... Ultimately I'm isolated, and I don't think there's any coming back from this one. |
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![]() ArmorPlate108, Fuzzybear, Open Eyes, TryToBeBetter, unaluna
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Human
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,383
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10 1,277 hugs
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#36
Quote:
Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk __________________ ![]() What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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![]() eskielover
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![]() ArmorPlate108, eskielover, Fuzzybear
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Human
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,383
(SuperPoster!)
10 1,277 hugs
given ![]() |
#37
Quote:
Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk __________________ ![]() What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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![]() ArmorPlate108, Fuzzybear, unaluna
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Member
Member Since Mar 2022
Location: In the west
Posts: 424
2 1,071 hugs
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#38
I agree about taking some space for yourself and separating yourself from the toxicity of it- even if only for a while.
You've got enough going on in life without giving him/them unavailable space. At the moment, what you think, feel, and do is so much more important than what they think, feel, or do. Do you identify with being the scapegoat? If so, what's happened isn't the end, it's potentially just part of being cast in that role ![]() Anyhow, if that resonates with you, here's a longish, but excellent video about being a scapegoat. This guy is great, not only does he explain things well, he's also a survivor of a very dysfunctional system, and he tends to give practical advice/exercises to work on those issues. ![]() |
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 818
11 80 hugs
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#39
@seesaw
"Rd, can you create some space with your father? It really sounds like you just need to stay away from him for a while so you won't be exposed to his comments, etc." Yes, healthier to stay away. Then I'm cast as keeping the grandkids from him. And all of this results in more isolation. I'll look up the scapegoat stuff. Thank you @ArmorPlate108 RDMercer |
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![]() ArmorPlate108
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,433
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.4k hugs
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#40
Honestly, covert narcissists are the worst. They have bugged me my whole life. My mother is one
![]() ![]() With PTSD (I have it too) it's almost impossible to NEVER react to their relentless poking at us. Then of course, they have more ammunition to use against us. Look up Family Scapegoat. That is me. Quote:
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