Changing my responses

I had something happen at work recently where I verbally shut someone down.


Yesterday I had an hour long meeting with my way up the ladder boss. I was told that this is what has held me back over the years. I have more knowledge, education, ability, technical ability, and a broader skill set than anyone else in my organization, and I have contributed to more projects and initiaves that have remained part of our organization for in excess of ten years in some cases, but once in a while, "happens less than 5% of the time" I "school" someone.


I was told that even though the things I say may be valid, my sudden ability to shut someone down makes it hard to work with me.


I was told, there has never been a complaint about my conduct from a female colleague. I was told my female colleagues speak well of me and feel supported. I have a history of out producing my contemporaries, and a history of supporting new hires, and supporting the organization by ensuring a smooth transition of work flow from me to other staff anytime responsibilities or portfolios have changed, thereby ensuring there is no lost production or backward steps in the organization.


But sometimes I shut people down.


I said I know I have done that. I said I am overflowing with frustration and lost progress in things I have contributed to. That there have been projects I have contributed to, in some cases for years, and the work has been lost..... truly... Digital files that another team member lost, and then lost again. I told my boss, "You don't know how frustrating that is, and how foolish we look on the front line to a client."


Boss said, "I understand that."


I said, "No you don't. It's really bad and extremely frustrating. We lost our way as an organization for several years, and we re-doing years worth of work, again."


Boss said, "See? That is a perfect example of the issue with you. You just corrected me. You schooled me."


I said "Do you have an understanding of what this is like dealing with this on a daily basis?"


Boss: "Well... No.... But you can't make people feel like that. You snap people to attention and school them. Because of that, I can't make you part of a cohesive team anywhere in the organization, so there really isn't a way to advance you."



Wow.






The thing is.... This mirrors my personal life so much.


I'm so tired of being "the angry and difficult" one.





RDMercer

Well, I got some validation today.

A friend said

When I look at you I see intelligence, competence, and passion. You think strategically and immediately see the big picture. I've always heard your reputation for shutting people down. You've always been all-in on every hand you're dealt, and surprised others aren't. They're right. You aren't a manager. You're a leader. They've been using you wrong for years.

Well, I got some validation today.

A friend said

When I look at you I see intelligence, competence, and passion. You think strategically and immediately see the big picture. I've always heard your reputation for shutting people down. You've always been all-in on every hand you're dealt, and surprised others aren't. They're right. You aren't a manager. You're a leader. They've been using you wrong for years.

I had something happen at work recently where I verbally shut someone down.

But sometimes I shut people down.

I said I know I have done that. I said I am overflowing with frustration and lost progress in things I have contributed to. That there have been projects I have contributed to, in some cases for years, and the work has been lost..... truly... Digital files that another team member lost, and then lost again. I told my boss, "You don't know how frustrating that is, and how foolish we look on the front line to a client."

Boss said, "I understand that."

I said, "No you don't. It's really bad and extremely frustrating. We lost our way as an organization for several years, and we re-doing years worth of work, again."

Boss said, "See? That is a perfect example of the issue with you. You just corrected me. You schooled me."

I said "Do you have an understanding of what this is like dealing with this on a daily basis?"

Boss: "Well... No.... But you can't make people feel like that. You snap people to attention and school them. Because of that, I can't make you part of a cohesive team anywhere in the organization, so there really isn't a way to advance you."

Wow.

RDMercer

Not to be critical, but only to offer a data point on this issue.

I have attempted in the past to point out that you seem "stuck" or stagnant in moving out of your marriage and ruminate over events that occurred in the past.

Your responses to me were that I don't understand how fill-in-the-blank it is for you, your wife is a covert narcissist, etc. Then you have lectured me about covert narcissism and loop back to how unless I can understand YOU, I have nothing of importance for you to consider.

After a few tries in getting you unstuck, I no longer offer my observations because it is too difficult. You will always respond with how I cannot possibly understand due to fill-in-the-blank.

Life does not require that people understand you. If you want to work collaboratively and as part of a team and perhaps progress in your career as a result of that, it actually requires that you put your nose to the grindstone and do the work, without blaming others for not understanding YOU.

My experience in observing your posts over the years is that you will only respond favorably to posts enabling your current behavior or taking "your" side on an issue. The responses after you described the work encounter testify to that as well. There are a couple of people who will always explain away any difficulty you have with others by saying the other person is intimidated/narcissistic/alcoholic/unreasonable and you will always gravitate to those responses almost immediately and use them to justify your position.