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#76
Apr 07, 2024, 11:54 AM
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I'm sorry. I don't remember the early comments you reference. Was it last summer when I said I was grieving and needed time to grieve, and people round me didn't get that? And I was facing that my entire marriage may have been a facade? I pushed back at people then. You're right, I seek validation. I've been invalidated by a lot of people around me for a long time. I've needed support far more than "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" advice. I've blown it at work in the past year. Work became totally unmanageable, doubling my client load due to cuts with no changes in processes at a time my life was upending. Yup. Blew it, with clients and superiors several times. Now, after fifteen years of building a reputation I'm starting over. As for teamwork.... Fifteen years of performance evaluations, multiple roles, working in collaboration with different departments and training new hires. There's no lack of nose to the grindstone. But I've been painted into a corner in the past year, and I was past my limits and I blew it. So now, that's my reputation. Nothing prior matters. Yes, I ruminate. Thats part of trauma recovery. Yes, I've been profoundly depressed and stuck, and now I've failed at work, which was one place I got satisfaction and respect previously Trying to find a way to move ahead. |
 ArmorPlate108, eskielover, Open Eyes, unaluna
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#77
Apr 07, 2024, 12:03 PM
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I was highly, highly regarded locally for my work, with an excellent reputation.
I've really grenaded my career, I think. We cut positions. I had the highest client load and the biggest geography. I asked for support multiple times, but nothing changed. But my failures were reviewed regularly. Then my abruptness with clients and other staff were used as a rationale to tell me I'm unpromotable. Which I then argued... And thereby proved I was unpromotable....Which I then apologized for and indicated things in my personal life that contributed to me being overwhelmed... Which further proved I was unpromotable. Sigh. Oh well. Still got a job. But that's probably it. I'll not move from where I am. |
| ArmorPlate108, Open Eyes, Tart Cherry Jam, unaluna
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#78
Apr 07, 2024, 12:42 PM
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@RDMercer ..... you do not know what the future holds.....I learned to "NEVER say Never". Sometimes unexpected doors open when we least expect it. Lol....I have been known to run through a door like that & never look back.
__________________
 Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
 ArmorPlate108, Open Eyes
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#79
Apr 07, 2024, 03:28 PM
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I can't explain how prone I am to shame and ruminating.
It's really bad. Living like I constantly wish I could disappear. Work was one place that wasn't like that. Oh well. |
| ArmorPlate108, eskielover, Open Eyes, unaluna
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#80
Apr 07, 2024, 03:49 PM
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Huh...
I just found out this is called toxic shame, and is one of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. |
| ArmorPlate108, eskielover, Open Eyes
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#81
Apr 07, 2024, 08:23 PM
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In my experience, they will only get rid of a really good performer if you become "more trouble than you're worth." And yes that was very hard to hear! I blame my pdoc not warning me of prozac side-effects.
So what if you are not management material. That is usually mutually exclusive with techie. Most companies have two different tracks nowadays, so you dont HAVE to go into management to advance. |
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#82
Apr 07, 2024, 09:20 PM
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I think it was hard to hear because it hit so close to home.
It was part of the, "There's something innately wrong with you" thing I've been experiencing. |
| Open Eyes, unaluna
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#83
Apr 08, 2024, 12:57 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Bipolar I w/psychotic features Last inpatient stay in 2018 Geodon 40 mg Seroquel 75 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg+Vitamin B-complex (against extrapyramidal side effects) Long term side effects from medications, some of them discontinued: - hypothyroidism - obesity BMI ~ 38 |
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#84
Apr 08, 2024, 12:50 PM
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It sounds like you are very vulnerable right now when getting critical feedback. Yes, given that you were manipulated to feel shame for your wife’s unhappiness and voids it can lead you to experience shame with any criticism not ment to be personal but constructive.
The job market has been changing a lot due to higher operating expenses and strains on profits. It’s caused cutbacks and fewer employees expected to do more than normal. It’s important to keep this in mind so you don’t absorb challenges that are not your fault. Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 08, 2024 at 02:19 PM. |
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#85
Apr 12, 2024, 12:23 PM
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Hey everybody,
Have a good weekend. As much as stuff gets to me, I can't explain how awesome my place is these days. We live about 30 miles outside a smallish city where things become semi rural. At night, things are silent, or I can hear the kids laughing and playing video games together and that's all. I have a garage that isn't very big, but I can work on my own projects out there, and there is a ton of weights in one corner so we can exercise at home. It's just so easy. 
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| eskielover, Open Eyes, unaluna
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| unaluna
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#86
Apr 12, 2024, 12:43 PM
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I found that as long as I have a peaceful life I am immediately surrounded by as my daily retreat, it is much easier to handle the crap the world & others throw at me & the more firm I get in my own stand on life. Would have been nice to have been in a place like that when my daughter was growing up but we have worked through that too.
The peace gives time for the mind to process the crap & I find quietness gives my mind a better chance to process solutions. That outside "noise" filles up the mind & makes it harder to concentrate on solutions. Lol....with all the stress I experienced all my life it is a wonder how I graduated school or college with a high GPA....I think back now & wonder how much better I possibly could have done IF I lived in different environments where I would not have had to fight for everything in my life.....but it is ok cause now I have a very "don't mess with me" attitude when necessary.....but I love my peaceful life now.....what a contrast. Glad you have the home retreat you have with your kids & can relax between stresses
__________________
Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
| RDMercer
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#87
Apr 12, 2024, 01:45 PM
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Quote:
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| RDMercer
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| RDMercer
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#88
Apr 12, 2024, 03:09 PM
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Yup.
You were talking about your experiences and from that I was explaining why the feedback stung me so much. |
| Open Eyes, unaluna
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| unaluna
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#89
Apr 19, 2024, 08:26 AM
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WOW.
WOW WOW The responses in me.... My wife called twice yesterday. I didn't pick up. Then she texted me asking me to quit coming by her work. I haven't been by her work. I avoid going anywhere near her work. She also said she doesn't even work there anymore. I replied, a little snarky, letting her know I haven't been around her place of work and I'm not looking for her. The thing that is WOWing me though is that I've been really overwhelmed since. Feeling hopeless. Planning for when I lose the house. Spiralling. Wondering how I am going to live. I didn't feel like that last week, or earlier this week. I also expect that she lost that job on purpose, or got put out on long term sick leave, preparing for all the money she is going to take from me in court because she has no means to live. I'm surprised at my flood of emotions. RDMercer |
| ArmorPlate108, eskielover, Open Eyes, TryToBeBetter, unaluna
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#90
Apr 19, 2024, 08:49 AM
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Ya know, this is the b-side of the record titled, she wants to come back to me. What would be a different tune? Like, once the kids are out of the house, you buy a motorcycle and go on the road forever.
 or join the hare krishna. You really have so many choices!
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#92
Apr 19, 2024, 09:20 AM
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HmmmmShe is telling you to quit driving by her work place shen she doesn't even work there? This does not compute!!!!
Lol....after I left my husand every once in awhile the owner of the ranch where I was still boarding my horses would post photos on FB & sometimes my H was at the ranch feeding horses (a job he could handle) when she took the photo. My gut reaction.....I wanted to puke along with wondering what other financial damage he was doing. It is so stressful having any kind of interface with them. Trust your lawyer
__________________
Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
| unaluna
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| Open Eyes, RDMercer, unaluna
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#93
Apr 19, 2024, 09:32 AM
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Thanks Eskie.
Yes. Just breathe and let my lawyer do her job. |
| eskielover
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| Open Eyes
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#94
Apr 19, 2024, 11:06 AM
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RD, geez over 40 years later i still dream about my exes, and i was with each of them less than 3 years. So it is frankly going to take a while to clear those memory trails. Muscle memory. Habits.
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| ArmorPlate108, eskielover
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#95
Apr 19, 2024, 11:48 AM
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Changing your responses means learning how to listen differently. Eskie is right in questioning how can she state you are driving by her work when she is no longer working there?
She doesn’t want to be responsible and work. Her plan was to party with her friends and have you pay her expenses. She is an entitled user manipulator. Part of her game is to play the victim. This is magnified by her abuse of alcohol. Save anything she says and give it to your lawyer. Lawyers and judges see this crap all the time. Remember your lawyer already told you your wife is not going to get what she is going after. |
| eskielover, unaluna
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#96
Apr 19, 2024, 12:03 PM
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Actually one thing I learned from dealing with my older sister and learning about her disordered mentality and reading about covert narcissists is that they tend to accuse you of what they are doing themselves. So if you learn how to listen and think about it, it’s your wife that is doing the stalking and driving by your house.
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| ArmorPlate108, eskielover, unaluna
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#97
Apr 19, 2024, 12:13 PM
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She said, "one of the people at my work told me you stopped in and were asking about me. Please don't do that. In fact, as of two weeks ago, I don't even work there anymore."
That stumped me, because absolutely nothing of the kind occurred. It caused me to speculate, "Is this is her way of letting me know she isn't working and no longer has health coverage for herself, or shared insurance for the kids, and she's looking for an even bigger settlement? Or is she letting me know she has a new job?" When I asked her, in reply, what this means for health insurance, she didn't reply. |
| ArmorPlate108, seesaw, unaluna
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#98
Apr 19, 2024, 01:26 PM
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If you get accused of something you know never happened it means your wife is fishing and baiting for you to react. It’s actually not uncommon for the manipulator to bait with using an additional person as a witness even when this person doesn’t exist.
Narcissists like to create drama and will at times make contact baiting for a response and drama. They get bored and like to create drama. They are void and are always looking for a high. I have seen a lot of this in individuals that have addiction issues. Their game is “I use”. In other words “ I use drugs, bars, and insert self in drama or create drama for a HIGH and to feel relevant.” She is also trying to guilt trip you so you give in. This is why the less contact you have with her the better. Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 19, 2024 at 01:48 PM. |
| seesaw
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| ArmorPlate108, eskielover, unaluna
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#99
Apr 19, 2024, 01:46 PM
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Quote:
The other thought that comes to mind is if she's attempting a written smear campaign - trying to plant the false seeds that you're doing something inappropriate. Or maybe even hoping that you'll respond in a way she could use against you. They bait and fish a lot, as you probably well know  Totally agree with unaluna about habit and muscle memory too. It could represent a form of cptsd. In anxiety disorder, it's very common for someone to feel well healed, be subjected to an event or space where they were during the bad anxiety episodes, and have the horrible anxiety re triggered. It can even be completely subconscious to where the person doesn't know what the trigger was. I try to think of these types of triggers as passing shadows. They're there, they were possibly based on something at one time, but now they're really not much of anything. If you accept them for the passing shadows they are, they'll usually go on their way soon enough.
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| unaluna
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| Open Eyes, unaluna
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#100
Apr 19, 2024, 02:40 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
| ArmorPlate108, Open Eyes, unaluna
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| unaluna
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