Changing my responses

But see that’s the whole issue.

She couldn’t see that it’s good because it’s not what she considers good. It’s like if someone’s version of good times is to go to bars, get drunk and high and pick up people. I could get blue in a face telling them about cultural activities and outdoors adventures and wholesome groups. It doesn’t sound good to them. It’s just not fun for them. Same here. Not the same values. Not the same life style

Yeah, but that's what she sold me for years.

That's part of having a personality disorder.

I guess she mirrored me back to me, and acted like all these things were good, until she began mirroring someone else.

I've assumed that she is unhappy since she left, seeing what it is like to live in an apartment instead of our comfortable house and not have family around, but the fact is she might be very happy right now.

It sounds more like she is unhappy because she thought she was going to get money from the sale of your house and also be able to get alimony and even child support. Her unhappiness has nothing to do with caring about you and even her own children.

From what you shared your wife is just a user and that’s what her bff’s are too. She even stole from her own children. She isn’t the type that enjoys the kind of gatherings you enjoy.

I don’t know if she’s happy but living in apartment is not worse than living in a house. It’s just different. Better in some ways or worse in others. Since she has no desire to reconnect with kids she might be enjoying not having a family around. There’s a lot to be said about pleasure living alone. Now crazy woman doesn’t want to see her kids. It seems insane. But there are ton of people who have no interest in their kids and enjoy life free of family burden. It’s not uncommon. Sadly.

She might be unhappy not having someone supporting her financially

I just popped on to edit this response. I'm scared it sounded flippant or like I was blowing off the comments and contributions others made.


It's easy to let my mind spin away and wonder all these things. "Is she happy? Is this the life she wanted? Did she get a dose or reality and realize things were pretty good at home? Maybe she's happy dating and playing these games and living that life."

It's effecting my peace, and my peace of mind. I'm trying not to ruminate, or surmise, or figure it all out.

Trying to just live in the moment and count my blessings.

RDMercer

I'm scared of this, to be honest.

I'm scared to be vulnerable to someone. I'm also very scared of hurting someone who makes themselves vulnerable to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer I'm scared of this, to be honest. I'm scared to be vulnerable to someone. I'm also very scared of hurting someone who makes themselves vulnerable to me.

Just enjoy your friendships & neighbors. You are not at the point of being vulnerable to someone. Your divorce is not even final & you are still healing & putting those pieces together to gain wisdom. When the time is right & if the right person shows up, you will know it. Worry about that then, not now

@eskielover

I think you are right. I really feel that is where I am at. This is a safe spot to be right now.

RDMercer

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer @eskielover I think you are right. I really feel that is where I am at. This is a safe spot to be right now. RDMercer

That was where I realized I needed to be when I left. No more complications thrown into my life until I knew I was healed from all I had gone through because otherwise I thought I might make a similar mistake again or I would just carry my anger into a new relationship if triggered in the same way. Lol....it's been 17 years (May 15) since I left & I have never been happier. The happy & peace keeps growing. My friends I have are solid friends & for me, that is what is important. A life that is stable & as financially sound as possible & a good relationship with my daughter though states apart is so much better than life really ever was.

I enjoyed doing the things & going the places I went in my marriage but looking back, I enjoyed the experiences for the experiences, not who I was with & that truly was eye opening to me about all those years in the marriage. I realized walking our path through life was only merged by a marriage license, not a real soul connect

It’s normal to be where you are in terms of not being ready for another relationship. It’s the narcissist that jumps into other relationships because they don’t genuinely love and instead need to constantly fill a void. And they tend to engage for a financial gain. And they feel entitled to do so and play the victim.

You have integrity and you loved your wife. She can’t return that and this is hard to understand. Add to that her drinking which is yet another narcissistic problem. It’s no wonder you struggle to trust yourself or getting into another relationship.

A good read… BRUTAL words from actor ANTHONY HOPKINS 💙💙💙

Let go of the people who are not ready to love you.
It is the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life and it will be the most important thing.

Stop having difficult conversations with people who don't want to change.

Stop showing up for people who aren't interested in your presence.

I know your instinct is to do whatever it takes to gain the appreciation of the people around you, but it's an impulse that robs your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you start fighting for a life of joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be willing to follow you there.

It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, it means you have to let go of people who are not ready to be with you.

If you are excluded, offended, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy and life.
Truth is, you ain't for everyone and not everyone is for you.

This is what makes it so special about meeting people you have friendship or love with.
You will know the value of it because you have experienced what it isn't.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will find them on your level of interest and commitment.

If you stop showing up, maybe they won't look for you.
When you stop trying, the relationship ends.
If you stop texting, your phone might stay dark for weeks.

It doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it's just that the only thing that kept it going was the energy you only gave to keep it.

This is not love, this is connection.
It's giving a chance to those who didn't deserve it!
You deserve much more.
The most valuable thing you own in your life is your time and energy because both are limited.

The people and things you give your time and energy to will define your existence.
When you realize this, you start to understand why you are so anxious about spending time with people, activities, or spaces that don't suit you or shouldn't be around you.

You will start to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.

Make your life a safe haven where only people who are "compatible" with you are allowed.
You're not responsible for saving someone.
It’s not your responsibility to convince them to do better.

It’s not your job to exist for people and give them your life!

You deserve real friendships, real commitment and a full love with healthy wealthy people.
Choosing to distance yourself from toxic people will give you the love, appreciation, happiness and protection you deserve. Copied from the internet. 💙💙💙F

This is very appropriate for me also. Good post.

^

The only part of the above I disagree with is the ''wealthy'' as I would not exclude someone from my life if they are not financially ''wealthy''. Of course if that term is not meant literally that is ''ok''....

Distancing from ''toxic'' people is excellent advice. I think some of us (including me sometimes) are too forgiving and inclusive. It does not serve us well. As in...''moving on'' from toxic people is necessary but not always as easy as it sounds.

To the OP, wishing you love, appreciation, happiness and protection

Fuzzy! It is not your job to exist for people and give them your life.

I don’t think he means wealthy in terms of money. I questioned that myself and it doesn’t go with the rest if one thinks the wealth is financial. IMHO wealth is a genuine nice human being.

I don't think it means financially wealthy. I have friends of all levels & they are friends because the relationship is truly caring. In my view, that is true wealth, not money.

It's interesting becausr when I left my marriage & moved so far away to start life over, one of the things I have been VERY SELECTIVE about are the people I am willing to associate with. If someone upsets the peace my life has become I KNOW there is an issue & I do not allow them into my inner circle. Usually it is different values on things & a way different way of seeing things. I can be friends but not close friends & I either limit my assocoation with them or distance myself all together. I realized I no longer had to tolerate people in my life that cause me stress. I have plenty of friends thst don't cause stress & plenty of places I go to that aren't stressful. I have MY priorities & that is what is important in my life. Has worked better for 17 years that the life I had before for 54 years.

Lol....distancing the first time was a challenge but each time after that it got easier & easier & no doubt what I did was right....it does take practice