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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 791
11 65 hugs
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Yesterday at 09:40 PM
#201
This is the oddest thing
This is what I’m feeling, not what I think or what I’m acting on. I feel lonely, I feel like I’m missing her, I feel like maybe I contributed to this mess, maybe I could get through to her if I tried again, I’m worried for her safety, I’m scared of the pain she can cause me, I’m scared of the disarray she can cause, I’m scared of her showing up here looking for help, I’m scared of her destroying our financial futures., I’m scared that the kids need her and I’ve contributed to the alienation |
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 eskielover, unaluna
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 unaluna
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 40,184
(SuperPoster!)
13 67.1k hugs
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Today at 02:30 AM
#202
Thats a very good list.
After i went no-contact with my mother, she was in the hospital a couple of times, and later she died (unrelated to the hospital stays). Each time - even at the wake - i was afraid of getting near her because i feared she would reach out and strike me, breaking my eyeglasses. Then i would be unable to get myself back home. There had been a couple of times when i was growing up that she had struck me on the head. But most of the times she either ignored me or just pretended to listen to me talking about my day. Anyway, i was surprised that this was my fear, but i held onto it - i didnt try to reason it away or otherwise bury it. I had the Charlie Brown football feeling too - maybe this time? But she had only ever shamed me (and my brother) and flaunted her upper hand - so i knew my fear was justified. So yeah - feel your fears. Then courage is "doing it anyway", remember? Not an absence of fear. |
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