Changing my responses

It’s good that your daughter got to cuddle with her daddy and got to feel safe.

I'm surprised sometimes how much contact my kids desire.

My son is a big young man. He'll hug me so hard. He's said, "Don't let go. Don't think I don't need this just because I'm big now."

My daughter asks for hugs all the time, and asks to just sit with me or hold hands with me if we are driving.

I love them so much.

Your kids definitely have the parent they need in you & they know & appreciate it.

When the "emotional vampire" leaves the castle, then it's safe for everyone else to feel, and express themselves, again

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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 When the "emotional vampire" leaves the castle, then it's safe for everyone else to feel, and express themselves, again

So very true & when they feel safe & peace & calm, THEY KNOW they held no blame because it didn't continue on after the vampire was gone.

That is how I knew I was not to blame in my marriage after I left because my issues with it didn't follow me to my new life across the country. Only issues that hit are still things related to him that I am still trying to clean up.

Oh my GAWD,!

I felt this in my chest when I read it.

This is so true! I've never thought of it like that.

RDMercer

I keep going to this as a benchmark too. I question myself often, but it is becoming less.

BUT.... Holy smokes there is so much peace and laughter now.

My wife, at best, said it was "us" at the root of it all, and that I was deeply toxic.

Well... Then why are things so peaceful and healthy now? Why are the kids in good friendships, in good BF/GF relationships and AGE APPROPRIATE relationships? Why is one doing so well at work and one doing so well in school? Why are we doing new things and having neighbors drop over so often if I'm toxic?

I'm telling you.... Looking at the degree of projection I was subjected to is amazing. She told me for years and years that being with me was like being married to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I had NO CLUE what Mr Hyde stuff she was seeing in me, but was accused of it for years.

Being accused of overspending, then finding out the thousands and thousands of dollars she blew and hid it. Being accused of keeping her up at night, of picking late night fights all the time, being accused of infidelity while she seem to have had a secret life.

No Mr. Hyde here. One of my biggest faults is that I'm boring. I just fix stuff and cook and workout. That's about it.

Today my son told me I was a human multi-tool. " Um... Thanks?"

RDMercer

LOL Usually kids say "your a tool!" Pretty sure THAT isnt a compliment, but i think human multi-tool is. Very creative boy!

You're not boring. You're just so accustomed to high drama that your baseline of what's normal is messed up.

I will take a good foundational life of peace & wonderful kids as a "boring" life any day to high drama. It is QUALITY of life & that's what counts

ANOTHER weekend with friends, old 4x4s, exploring old roads, live music, a couple of meals out, and a long walk with the kids beside the water.

And we went to visit my parents

They’re not perfect but there’s good in them. I’m choosing to focus on that while around them for the times I have left with them.

I was able to introduce some new friends to some old friends and I got a lot of hugs from both.

My new friends heard tons of stories of my old days and then said….. You always worked a LOT didn’t you, and did stuff for the community, and worked for your neighbours. And your family and friends are the same. You were a sheep to be fleeced! There was no end to what she could take from you, and you’d have still assumed the best in her.

RDM

You have my full sympathy, RD. I'm about to travel thousands of miles to visit family. Right now, I have anxiety about how that's going to go. On my last two trips, there was some unpleasant melodrama.

I loved my father, who is gone now, but provoking people was a sport for him. He'ld do it to me, and sometimes I'd react, letting him know that I didn't appreciate the "needling." Then he'd say "Everything bothers you." That would make my head want to explode. So I hear you.

Your kids sound wonderful. How great that you didn't perpetuate toward them what was done to you! Your father sounds like an excellent person to NOT take advice from. I would vehemently disagree with him on your regarding any prospective dating partner as a new "mother" for your kids. That would not be her role, IMHO.

No one can push our buttons like those in our immediate family. At this very moment, I'm trying to work on not getting provoked by not getting validated by a family member. I hadn't asked for her validation. She called me to chat about my upcoming trip to visit family. She launched into a mini-lecture about how I need to try and not react emotionally, when someone says something I find upsetting. (That happened on my last trip.) Her saying that made me want to scream. I didn't. Instead, I said - "Someone's at the door. I have to go." I'm glad I got off the phone. I think she believed me. I don't care, if she didn't.

There is tremendous power in being able to not react. There's a scene in The Godfather Part 3, where Michael Corleone tells his nephew, Vincent, "Never let anyone know what you're thinking!" I'm trying to paste that on the inside of my forehead. When I've revealed that something hurt me, saying so often just opened me up to more hurt.

I had a long relationship with the man I loved. Telling him when I felt hurt usually prompted him to offer a heartfelt apology. That's one reason why we lasted so long together (until he passed away.) That's the only relationship where it worked like that. With close relatives, I've found that taking exception to something said to me just makes the other party go on the defensive and dig their heels in deeper.

I get impetuous, when I'm aroused emotionally. That has not worked out well for me. So I'm trying to rein in that tendency. It can be awfully hard. Like me, I think you know what you need to do - change your response. Easier said, than done! Sometimes, our best bet is to just temporarily withdraw from engaging with the person.

When you said, "I have to work on not being provoked, and not reacting when I'm not validated . . . " it felt like you were right inside my skin today. I can't give you any surefire approach on how to achieve that. Just know that I'm right there with you, enmeshed in the same struggle. You're father is into playing with your head. That, right there, is toxicity. In my case, today, my sister wasn't trying to negate me. I'm sure she was intending to be helpful. With my father - who has passed on - it was deliberate gamesmanship, which feels worse. I always wished I was more witty and could think up snappy comebacks, but his mind was too quick for me. So I'd just stay away from him, until he would call almost begging me to come visit.

Good luck at court. Judges do have to consider the wishes of children. It sounds like your kids want to be with you. That should count for something.

Thank you!

Oh my gosh I feel like I connected with an awful lot of what you shared!

I always have tried to validate the kids to a point I’ve worried I’ve allowed them to be self centred and indulged at times. Works in progress, all of us.

I’m trying to learn some about stoicism and having thoughtful reactions

I felt what you said about wishing you were more quick witted. We aren’t because we just wouldn’t talk to someone like that

I hear you. I feel you!

RDMercer

@RDMercer how did the holiday weekend go for you?

Um.

Really, really good.

My oldest is HOME at every possible opportunity, for as long as he can stretch it out each time he has a weekend off. He loves it here.

The kids had BF's GF's and BFF's here all weekend.

I mowed, and worked out, and made meals, and took one evening to sit on the deck with my neighbours without the kids.

I went driving with my DD and she asked a hundred questions about the plausibility of having mini cows in our yard for therapeutic purposes. We also tried to convince a very handsome male mallard that he should get in our car and come home with us to no avail.

I drove an hour on Sunday morning to spend time with an elderly family member that has no one else close by.

It's all really boring.

Your mallard probably has a (soon to be) family near by!

We watch for the duck couples arriving every spring.

We try to tell them they’d be happier in our living room but we haven’t talked them into joining us yet

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It's all really boring.

Lol....that all is the kind of boring I love.....PEACE

Good news

I guess….

My wonderful daughter decided to do her year end report on the feasibility of a therapeutic mini cow operation

And Lo….. Our yard is apparently big enough for such, and she has produced research articles on the benefits of cow cuddling

Sigh

This kid……. She’s all about the herbivores

Nothing wrong with being an animal lover. Maybe she might want to be a veterinarian.