Changing my responses

This is called bargaining. It’s part of the grieving process when a relationship is breaking apart. It’s important to remember that if it was in your wife’s power she would take it all from you and leave you homeless.

That’s hard to accept when it’s someone you loved.

I’ve mentioned before about this woman who jumped into my life last year when I told her I was going through a separation. She was immediately very protective and defensive of me and the kids.

I’ve since found out she was in a long term relationship, since high school, with someone who became progressively more abusive.

She told me her youngest was two when she fully realized who her husband was. Over the next ten years she moved utility bills into her name. Then she assumed responsibility for paying the mortgage. When the mortgage renewed, somehow she was able to renew it in just her name.

Once her youngest was 13, and her husband had no say where the child lived, she kicked him out. Her husband had nothing to prove that was actually his home at that point!

This woman recently told me “ you come to terms with it that this is a person who can cause harm to your family, because chaos, disorder, lack of stability, and financial hits are HARM. Then you ACT on that. Not on your feelings. My thoughts and feelings haven’t aligned in almost 15 years. You have to act on what’s real.”

I’m blown away by the mental strength some people have.

Your friend is absolutely correct. Sometimes we get so hung up on the psychological aspects of life we forget that acting logically on reality is what we need to do

I started off this thread with “changing my responses”

Is just like to say, I’ve kept that focus in my mind for months.

When things blew up at work I was wrecked for about two weeks, but forced myself to refocus my thinking. There are people who carry an insurmountable degree of injustice. The one I was complaining about??? I missed out on a promotion and don’t fit the mood at work. Oh well

I came to realizations about my father. He’s a damaged person who grew up with trauma. He’s a good, moral person. He’s never wrong, and he’s not empathetic. He actually has some kind of emotional block, and admitting he’s wrong makes him vulnerable. Ok. Lots of people have grown up with worse.

Even my hopes of other work has changed. My relationship with my prospective partners has become less frantic and less heightened and more realistic and focused to “what can we do, right now, to start? And how can we grow with little risk?”

And, I’ve become more demanding of the kids. Sorry. I can’t do it all. Y’all need to help more. Love you tho!



RDMercer

Wonderful. We are never too old to learn, grow & change

@RDMercer checking in with you. How are things going?

For the most part really good. There’s this source of chaos on the periphery of my life but I’m increasingly immune to her.

She’s caused me some small financial hits. But that’s ok. At SOME point we’ll end up in court and this is all easily provable and she’ll look foolish and vindictive. The costs she’s caused me aren’t mine, they’re hers. I can envision us never returning to court because she won’t want to face that.

I’m overwhelmingly busy. But work is enjoyable. I’ve been tasked with training three new hires. Somehow my “inability to work with others” isn’t apparent anytime training and support is required and is only used to justify not promoting me. Oh well.

My side work, teaching, training, and consulting is picking up and two small business owners have met with me several times now to see if we can find mutually beneficial ways to expand that.

I am TIRED much of the time because there’s so much going on

The kids are healthy and happy. My daughter and I are together often and she’s gotten the message that Dad needs more help at home, and that help equals more time for fun. That girl likes anything with horsepower. She’s in a week of dirt bike lessons next week.

This weekend we all drove the 6 hours to see my folks. The oldest drove us in his car. I got to be in a car of young people who all enjoy each other with music cranking for the whole drive

At home I often just enjoy the silence now. Not even any music or background noise

I have low days and setbacks. I feel alone sometimes. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. And I feel hopeful sometimes. I still go through periods of wondering if I could ever get through to her and get back to a family life, but I try not to ruminate on that.

That’s it I think.

Something else that’s different that I’m thankful for…

The opportunity to contribute.

The last time we came here my parents had said their dishwasher was broken. I was able to bring a dishwasher in my minivan and install it for them. A local community centre my dad and brother volunteer at lost their hot water and a couple of electrical outlets and I was able to spend a few hours working on that to fix it. My father had said one of the neighbours had a deck that needed work and I was able to go and show him what was wrong and how it could be fixed and ordered the materials for him. The rain kept me from doing the job though.

This morning my brother said his car needs work and it’s a two week wait to get into the garage. He said he’s scared to drive it. So, I started working on it, but my oldest has taken over the job. He’s doing a great job.

All the kids came to help make lunch, and they’re all clearing dishes now.

I’m heading out to get my parents hearing aid batteries right now.

I am so thankful for all of this.

My family have totally driven me insane at times but they’ve also been generous with me at times. I’m so happy to be able to contribute in return.