[DeeeSchmeee68]

If I truly want a relationship or just casual?

I'm a 55-year-old straight female who's had a lifetime of trauma. I had another breakdown in 2022 and I'm on the road to healing. I live alone and sometimes feel like I would like a relationship. Other times I feel like maybe I just want casual. I can't determine how to figure it out.
Do a list of pros/cons? A personality survey?
I really can't determine one way or another.

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[ArmorPlate108]

Just to be clear, when you say "casual", are you talking about a casual relationship that involves intimate acts? Or are you asking if you should forgo a close interpersonal relationship in favor of having just friendships for the time being?

Just to be clear on your meaning before jumping in.....

[DeeeSchmeee68]

Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108

Just to be clear, when you say "casual", are you talking about a casual relationship that involves intimate acts? Or are you asking if you should forgo a close interpersonal relationship in favor of having just friendships for the time being?


Just to be clear on your meaning before jumping in.....

Thank you.

To clarify, I swing from one extreme to the other. So, relationship vs. casual sex.

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[Revenge Tour]

This might sound old-fashioned but I'm a firm believer that if/when Mr./Mrs. Right comes along, you'll just "know".

A list of pros and cons may be applicable when you're buying a car but I don't think the same can be said when it comes to relationships. There are way too many variables and they can change given different circumstances.

Also, you need to assess what it is you want at this stage in life. What you want now may not be the same in two years. But then, your wants may never change.

I wish you well.

[DeeeSchmeee68]

Originally Posted by Revenge Tour

This might sound old-fashioned but I'm a firm believer that if/when Mr./Mrs. Right comes along, you'll just "know".


A list of pros and cons may be applicable when you're buying a car but I don't think the same can be said when it comes to relationships. There are way too many variables and they can change given different circumstances.


Also, you need to assess what it is you want at this stage in life. What you want now may not be the same in two years. But then, your wants may never change.


I wish you well.

Very good advice.

I think I'm being too protective with my feelings

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[ArmorPlate108]

This may not apply to you, but you stated you are a trauma survivor..... hence my earlier question.

There's a train of thought, among some therapists who treat trauma, that trauma survivors (particularly childhood trauma survivors) aren't well equipped for casual sex relationships. It's a whole thing about unmet needs and the "using" nature of the relationship being potentially very triggering.

The terrible catch-22 is that if you were (also) traumatized in a long term relationship/marriage, you probably don't want that either, so the other option looks more appealing in comparison.

It's a tough one. One rule of thumb for trauma survivors, is to take things slowly, and at your own pace, no matter what. I agree with Revenge Tour that if it's right it's right, no matter what it looks like. The best way to get there is to keep focusing on your own healing.

[DeeeSchmeee68]

Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108

This may not apply to you, but you stated you are a trauma survivor..... hence my earlier question.


There's a train of thought, among some therapists who treat trauma, that trauma survivors (particularly childhood trauma survivors) aren't well equipped for casual sex relationships. It's a whole thing about unmet needs and the "using" nature of the relationship being potentially very triggering.


The terrible catch-22 is that if you were (also) traumatized in a long term relationship/marriage, you probably don't want that either, so the other option looks more appealing in comparison.


It's a tough one. One rule of thumb for trauma survivors, is to take things slowly, and at your own pace, no matter what. I agree with Revenge Tour that if it's right it's right, no matter what it looks like. The best way to get there is to keep focusing on your own healing.

You make so much sense.
I guess I'm just lonely and wishing for some intimacy. Not even sexual

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