HeartBroken Since I Went No-Contact With Someone I Love

Hey everyone,

As many of you know, I separated from my husband a few months ago, and sent him back to live with his mom back in New York. It has been a really hard time because since then he has been arrested, in psych wards, and been using in the streets.

The constant back and forth was too much for me. The disappearing for days, then showing up like nothing happened. My problem is that I sought after the validation he gave me because I feel so bad about myself, I felt he was the only one who ever thought I was beautiful or worthy. He loved me so much, but I have come to realize he doesn't even love himself, and the love we shared was very codependent.

Knowing all of this, and all the logic my mind is telling me, my heart is broken, and I am ripped apart from the inside out. This is the second day of no-contact with both him and his mother, and the finality of the whole thing is so real that it finally settled in. I feel like a failure, I feel disgusting, I feel depressed, I feel angry, but I am feeling all those things to hopefully move on.

Just wondering if anyone out there can relate, and how they dealt with it.

I am so sorry you feel this way.

But to all honesty you could try to also feel proud of herself of doing what’s right for you and what’s healthy. Being no contact with them is a healthy choice. It’s a hard choice. I understand. But you didn’t cause and you cannot cure it.

I know you are working on your own sobriety and in the light of that you are making wise choices. You most certainly are the opposite of failure

I am so terribly sorry that you feel as if you have a broken heart and that you have somehow failed. That is the furthest thing from the truth from what you communicated. The person that caused the problem/s or was at the epicenter of their source was your husband. You haven't done anything wrong, other than worry about him when he pulls one of his David Copperfield disappearing acts. I don't know you well yet, but bet your are quite loveable and deserve someone that treats you that way. I am a gay man, please don't anyone throw anything at me, but my partner is a psychiatrist. I tell him routinely, if he is being annoying to go sleep in a back alley or something. He laughs, because he knows I am not serious. We have a good relationship. and he is so gullible. With matters of the heart, time and the always possibility of meeting someone that will do right by you will slowly help you to mend from this. We seem to always have a tendency,or at least I do, to blame myself, or feel guilty when something goes wrong. You have done nothing wrong, if he is going off and disappearing for day/s sounds like he is destabilizing and getting worse. I don't know him but am really sorry that is the case as addiction can be such an awful condition. You've done nothing to cause him to act this way, and remember there is no failure in this situation from you. I wish you well and hope you feel better soon, matters of the human heart...Arrrggghhh!

Just remember in your own recovery that doing what is best for you IS SUCCESS. Making wise choices for your own life.

Also you are greiving a relationship you wished was different than it really was. When you focus on REALITY, you never had the marriage your own mind was tricking you into believing while you yourself were dealing with your own addictions. We NEVER see our life clearly through addiction & now you are in recovery, don't go back & see your past through those addicted eyes of the past. Definitely a work in progress just like recovery but now you are on the right path. Keep up the good work & give yourself praise for the success of getting to where you are NOW

It’s very hard to keep away from a codependent relationship, but you are doing the right thing for yourself. He’s ill, and I hope he gets the help he needs.

@divine1966 - Thank you so much for your reply. You always have had positive things to say in regard to this situation. It is day four of no-contact and I am remaining strong. Yeah, there are hard days, but they are getting better. Thank you for acknowledging my sobriety too, I usually don't notice it, but it's a really big achievement I've been able to maintain despite my heavy emotions, because in the past I would have wanted to drink really bad.

@16PennyNail - thank you so much for your reply and understanding! I tend to take things out on myself all the time. I feel like I failed because of how much I invested into him, but you're right I can't control what he does, especially with all the disappearing damaging my piece of mind and mental health. You are wise, and I appreciate what you had to say very much!

@eskielover - thank you so much for being the voice of reason! I am definitely feeling better about things since I made this post and can see it in recovery eyes finally. You're right about the relationship. because when he came home to me after two years being separated by jails and institutions, I didn't even know him - it was almost like living with a stranger. Yes, I did appreciate the love and affection, but there is so much more that go into a relationship other than feeding on each other's addiction. And like my sponsor always have told me, she said, "he never changed, but you did after all the work you've done on yourself" He never did any work, he just went from institution to institution. But thank you so much for recognizing that and reminding me of it!

@TishaBuv - I would be lying if I didn't say I was curious as to what he's doing right now, and if he's okay. But being extremely codependent, I have to put that out of my head and try to move on. I went to a CODA meeting the other night that was really helpful too, so I am taking the steps. But you know, my heart still hurts and that will take time to heal, and I hope and pray he finally gets help too wherever he is.

Lady shadow you might be interested in reading up on trauma bond.

@Nammu - someone told me about that, and I know a little about it. But yeah, I think that's what we have too since we met when we were both hospitalized and held onto each other while we were in jail, and I was in rehab. It's really tough to get over I heard too.