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Wanderer of Distant Stars
Member Since May 2012
Location: North Carolina, USA. Originally New York
Posts: 24,858
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12 8,915 hugs
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#1
Hey everyone,
As many of you know, I separated from my husband a few months ago, and sent him back to live with his mom back in New York. It has been a really hard time because since then he has been arrested, in psych wards, and been using in the streets. The constant back and forth was too much for me. The disappearing for days, then showing up like nothing happened. My problem is that I sought after the validation he gave me because I feel so bad about myself, I felt he was the only one who ever thought I was beautiful or worthy. He loved me so much, but I have come to realize he doesn't even love himself, and the love we shared was very codependent. Knowing all of this, and all the logic my mind is telling me, my heart is broken, and I am ripped apart from the inside out. This is the second day of no-contact with both him and his mother, and the finality of the whole thing is so real that it finally settled in. I feel like a failure, I feel disgusting, I feel depressed, I feel angry, but I am feeling all those things to hopefully move on. Just wondering if anyone out there can relate, and how they dealt with it. __________________ Tales of Love, Motivation, and An Interesting Journey - Please Subscribe to my Website on WordPress: Inspired Odyssey's Path to Wellness and Love |
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16PennyNail, ArmorPlate108, TishaBuv
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OafFish
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,419
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9 1,277 hugs
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#2
I am so sorry you feel this way.
But to all honesty you could try to also feel proud of herself of doing what’s right for you and what’s healthy. Being no contact with them is a healthy choice. It’s a hard choice. I understand. But you didn’t cause and you cannot cure it. I know you are working on your own sobriety and in the light of that you are making wise choices. You most certainly are the opposite of failure |
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LadyShadow
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16PennyNail, ArmorPlate108, LadyShadow, TishaBuv
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Member
Member Since Mar 2024
Location: In the southern United States
Posts: 163
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#3
I am so terribly sorry that you feel as if you have a broken heart and that you have somehow failed. That is the furthest thing from the truth from what you communicated. The person that caused the problem/s or was at the epicenter of their source was your husband. You haven't done anything wrong, other than worry about him when he pulls one of his David Copperfield disappearing acts. I don't know you well yet, but bet your are quite loveable and deserve someone that treats you that way. I am a gay man, please don't anyone throw anything at me, but my partner is a psychiatrist. I tell him routinely, if he is being annoying to go sleep in a back alley or something. He laughs, because he knows I am not serious. We have a good relationship. and he is so gullible. With matters of the heart, time and the always possibility of meeting someone that will do right by you will slowly help you to mend from this. We seem to always have a tendency,or at least I do, to blame myself, or feel guilty when something goes wrong. You have done nothing wrong, if he is going off and disappearing for day/s sounds like he is destabilizing and getting worse. I don't know him but am really sorry that is the case as addiction can be such an awful condition. You've done nothing to cause him to act this way, and remember there is no failure in this situation from you. I wish you well and hope you feel better soon, matters of the human heart...Arrrggghhh!
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LadyShadow
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LadyShadow, TishaBuv
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,778
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#4
Just remember in your own recovery that doing what is best for you IS SUCCESS. Making wise choices for your own life.
Also you are greiving a relationship you wished was different than it really was. When you focus on REALITY, you never had the marriage your own mind was tricking you into believing while you yourself were dealing with your own addictions. We NEVER see our life clearly through addiction & now you are in recovery, don't go back & see your past through those addicted eyes of the past. Definitely a work in progress just like recovery but now you are on the right path. Keep up the good work & give yourself praise for the success of getting to where you are NOW __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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LadyShadow
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LadyShadow, TishaBuv
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,202
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#5
It’s very hard to keep away from a codependent relationship, but you are doing the right thing for yourself. He’s ill, and I hope he gets the help he needs.
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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LadyShadow
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LadyShadow
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Wanderer of Distant Stars
Member Since May 2012
Location: North Carolina, USA. Originally New York
Posts: 24,858
(SuperPoster!)
12 8,915 hugs
given |
#6
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
__________________ Tales of Love, Motivation, and An Interesting Journey - Please Subscribe to my Website on WordPress: Inspired Odyssey's Path to Wellness and Love |
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eskielover, TishaBuv
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Crone
Member Since May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
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#7
Lady shadow you might be interested in reading up on trauma bond.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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LadyShadow
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LadyShadow
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Wanderer of Distant Stars
Member Since May 2012
Location: North Carolina, USA. Originally New York
Posts: 24,858
(SuperPoster!)
12 8,915 hugs
given |
#8
@Nammu - someone told me about that, and I know a little about it. But yeah, I think that's what we have too since we met when we were both hospitalized and held onto each other while we were in jail, and I was in rehab. It's really tough to get over I heard too.
__________________ Tales of Love, Motivation, and An Interesting Journey - Please Subscribe to my Website on WordPress: Inspired Odyssey's Path to Wellness and Love |
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Nammu
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