Dealing with hopeless romance

WARNING: This is a very long, and drawn out post by a deranged and probably emotionally ill man who has more than a few screws loose. You've been warned.

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. I usually go by a different alias but for sake of anonymity you can call me Gloomy or Bones. I have a very long and sentimental post for you this evening, so fair warning and apologies in advance. The topic/question I have today pertains to dealing with hopeless romance. I know this is an issue that has plagued many people over the course of human history, and despite of all the supposed methods of solution, no ones ever developed one that truly works. No matter how many years pass, whether the person has been deceased, in another relationship, or otherwise, those feelings never truly fade. They remain dormant within you for the rest of your life. That is how I feel at the moment.

To provide further context, I'd like to tell you about her. This is the part that will be long, so if you're not interested in the ramblings of an emotional fool typing this at 2AM, you're free to skip. For sake of anonymity I'll be referring to her as Lockshock, or just Lock. I met Lockshock in freshman year of High School, which is a startling 6 years ago. I cherish so many memories from those days, but there was one in particular that stands out among the rest. I was having some problems with another female student, an ex, someone who despite my attempts at moving forward with my life, tried everything they could to sour my reputation. They lead a rather aggressive smear campaign which I eventually put an end to when I showed the screenshots of the emotionally abusive and manipulative texts she'd send me. It was through this conflict that made Lock approach me one day after biology class. To this day I experienced such an unexplainable phenomenon. The moment I saw her face and we locked eyes, everything around me when out of focus. Her gaze introduced a vibrance to my life that I'd lost after a series of unfortunate relationships. To this day I still believe she's the prettiest woman on the planet. If I had the option between her or any supermodel, there would be no contest. From the softness to her hands, to the smell of her perfume, to the fluffiness of her hair. I don't know if this is was they call blasian persuasion, but whatever it was had me under her spell from that day forward.

We eventually became friends, and despite the emotional state I was in, I felt like my good old self again around her. I felt so free, so unrestricted, like nothing could hurt me as long as she was around. There wasn't a day that passed when she wouldn't be the first person I looked for. In the morning, at lunch, at the bus circle. I began to chase any chance just to see her face and relishing every interaction we had. It got to a point where I would even stay after school for Homework club with her just so we can't get a few more hours together. Being able to lay my head in her lap while she'd play with her Nintendo Switch or play with my hair. What I wouldn't do to have that right now... Despite our bond it would be a while before we started dating. Between her dating some other guys and me dating some other girls, it was always a game of will they or will they not. It wasn't until the end of the year that we started dating, the day before we went on summer break. I thought she and I would have the world to ourselves that summer!

And then she changed schools. She moved, and although it wasn't far by any stretch of the imagination, it was still miles for two broke and jobless teens. The distance was only exasperated by her toxic family dynamic, it became apparent to me that this was never going to work out. Alas, I held out as long as I could. When she would disappear for weeks at a time without word (a habit that persists even to this day), I would wait for her texts like a housewife waiting for her husband to come home from war. I knew things weren't going well and likely never would, so I had to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I broke up with her. I had to for both of ours sake, because I'm someone who values quality time and physical touch, two things made impossible by the circumstances that divided us. To this day I still regret that decision, and my mouth to Gods ears was it soul crushing to do in the moment. I feared I would live to regret it, and boy did I, but it was a learning experience that I needed.

Then a great deal of time passes. We generally go our separate ways, living our own lives void of each other. Although we spoke, albeit infrequently to check up on one another, I don't think there was ever a point where I truly lost any and all feelings for her. We both got into our own relationships, and I was in one for a whopping three years (which is a horrific, disastrous can of worms in its own right). Some where in those years Lock had gotten into a relationship that people my age (and those who have seen Across the Spider-verse) would consider a "canon event." For the uninitiated, in laymen's terms, a canon event is an event or series of events that has every individual has to go through to progress in life. For example: first love, first heartbreak, death of a loved one, etc. These canon events, or experiences, make up what we know as the human condition. Locks canon event was a relationship with someone who manipulated and backstabbed her, despite fooling her into thinking he was someone who truly cared for her. Perhaps this is ignorance on my part, but I speculate this had (and is currently having) a lasting effect on her outlook on relationships, or love in general.

That brings us to now. It was only last November that I built up the courage to tell her how I feel, and how I've felt all of these years. Lo and behold she holds feelings for me too! All should be fine and dandy, right? As some of you probably saw coming, that statement has a "but" at the end of it. To avoid any misinterpretation I'll copy and paste the message directly for you all. "In all truth, I can't mentally process a relationship right now, and I'm dearly sorry for that. This also didn't irritate me, this brought a smile to my lips. It means a lot that you feel this way, yet it hurts me that I can't handle an actual relationship as of currently. I do hold feelings for you too". The months following have been.. confusing? To clarify I was never upset with her choice nor her reasoning, as I can relate to it myself. Life has thrown a serious series of curveballs that would give Roger Clemens a run for his money. It's been rough for me for the past 4ish years, but I know it's been hell for her since pretty much birth. Despite her dysfunction I still love everything about her, as I'm a full believer you can't love someone at their best without loving them at their worst (with reasonable exceptions of course). It really does feel like waiting at an empty beach at night for someone to show up, but no one does, and you're all alone with your thoughts. If I had it my way I'd see her every day, but that isn't a luxury afforded to me. Currently I'm beginning my transition back into academics and pursuing higher education, as well as seeking some part time employment while I juggle school. I know the smartest thing is to develop myself so that if she's ready to start a relationship, I'm financially capable of sustaining myself to do so. Lock has expressed a desire to not only move out, but get a place together. Now, she didn't specify whether this was as a couple or as roommates, but frankly I'd be happy with either or.

I guess I should wrap this up, this is already inconsiderately long and its pushing 4AM as I'm blabbering on. I guess my real question is, what can I do? I know I'll get the obvious answers like "work on yourself," which believe me, I am doing so daily. I'll also likely get the "move on" comments, and I've tried, but the mere thought of her is enough to reignite all the feelings I've had for her. Even if it feels like loving someone that doesn't exist, just being able to speak to her is a privilege that yI don't take for granted, especially with how fickle life is. Have you ever felt the same way? I wish I could say typing this out made me feel a little better, but it isn't, because it's things I've already pondered to myself for countless hours. I'm hoping to see things from a different perspective, just hopefully ones that aren't simply give up and move on. Anyways, I sincerely thank you for reading this and I'm looking forward to reading your responses. I'm sorry again if this is too long.

TLDR: I've been madly in love with the same girl for 6 years and I'm no closer to a long term relationship now than I was then.

"I'd pick your thunder; I'd pick your rain over anyone else's sunshine any day.

@gloomymays welcome to MSF. I am sorry you have such strong feelings for a woman you cannot be in a relationship with at this time.

I was put off by your introductory comments:

Quote:

This is a very long, and drawn out post by a deranged and probably emotionally ill man who has more than a few screws loose.

On the other hand you are a wonderful story teller and you had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I did not see any loose screws in your story.

Maybe I am a romantic that has just worn out the romance. I suffered enough building up hope and expectations and having them dashed by what actually happened over many relationships. I hope you have better luck than I did.

I hope that you can reinvent your life through education and career. Focusing on something else has helped me avoid being an eternal pessimist.

Looking forward to your next post in whatever forums you feel are best for you. Feel free to tag* me in you post.

CANDC

tag* [If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

@CANDC My apologies if my disclaimer was off putting, I was trying to inject some humor into an otherwise rather dreary post. I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD, but none of those things have had any impact on what I wrote earlier today. It was just me trying to put some thoughts down. I had to leave out quite a bit so my post wasn't any longer than it already was.

I understand your experience and qualms with pessimism, as I was there too at one point. However, I recognized that I didn't want to be there, it was just my mind trying to do all it can to protect me from any further heartbreak. I'm blessed to have my grandfather in my life, and him being the wisest person I know, enabled me to recognize something that I knew was true all along. He told me the actions of others should not sway who you are. Their actions can hurt you, and some times they will, but it is paramount to never lose sight of who you are and who you want to be. I've been through a lot of situations, bad friendships and relationships alike, emotional parental abuse, and many more traumatic events. In spite of all of these tragedies, I still have so much love to give. I'm working on giving it to myself, but I know I wouldn't be fulfilling the purpose I set for myself if I didn't share it as much as possible.

There's a book I believe everyone should read at one point in their lives, you might know it. It's called The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. In this book, agreements two and three are as follows: Don't take things personally, and don't make assumptions. These two agreements have been the ones most relevant to my life, as I've done both more times than I can count. I'm still working on it, but it's enabled me to recognize that Locks hesitancy to enter a new relationship is not a reflection of myself. It isn't because she thinks I'm not a suitable partner or untrustworthy, and even if she did, that wouldn't make it true. No, the way she feels is a reflection of herself and the state of mind she is in. I know this both because I have asked but because I've seen it. When I'm in love with somebody I do tend to be the overbearing type. I always want to be around them, talking to them, being close, and I have no shame in that. In spite of these traits I possess, I've still been able to step back and give her the space she needs to grow in hopes that she will one day be ready for a relationship with me. And if she isn't, while I will no doubt be heartbroken, I know I'll still be able to carry on because it is not my loss it will be, but hers.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, I look forward to speaking with you again as well. Till then!

Well, what other options do you have, knowing she is not ready to be romantically involved?

I think you already know what to do as you are already predicting the answers you will get on here.

There can't be any magical solutions if you (both) want a healthy relationship. She has gone through a lot. She knows that she needs to work on herself and is aware enough that jumping into a relationship is not the healthy choice. She may be ready, she may not. There are no guarantees or certainties in life.

So, again, what other options do you have?

You need to be realistic and move accordingly.

@gloomymays what a wise and kind grandfather. You are lucky to have such a person in your life.

I read the Four Agreements many years ago and it has influenced my thinking.

Glad you are not all in on this person and risking a collapse if it does not work out.

0h so your comment was meant to be humorous! emoticons help people know that.

CANDC

@Rive. You are right, I am already aware of the most logical course of action, but this situation does not call for logic. There are times where we need to think and there are times where we need to feel. I feel this particular situation calls for the latter. Lots of the unfortunate things that happen to us because we can't decide which method of processing we should use. Thinking instead of feeling leads to missed opportunities and unfulfillment, whereas feeling instead of thinking leads to recklessness and behaviors that are unbecoming. I hear what you're saying as I was in that headspace previously, where I lost faith in my ability to find love and believed that I was not worthy of it. However, I think the pursuit of meaningful connections is apart of the human experience. Many people nowadays, particularly those in my age rage, put too much value on the material. Having money and a good career while are things I desire for the sake of living a lifestyle I am proud of, personally they do not give me the fulfillment I desire. I don't wish to be remembered for what I had, rather for what I did. The impact I've had on her life and everyone around me is what I want my legacy to be. Even if I am to die sooner rather than later it is my goal that the memory held by those who remember me is one that resonates with them, and encourages them to live better than they did yesterday. My love for Lock is only a portion of my purpose, but not the full picture. I will support and be there for her regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not, and it's imperative that I make that truth known. I'd much rather say too much than say too little, and that is how I live my every day from now on.

You’ve already been given a “no.”

That’s your answer.

"Tell me again about Roger Clemens and the bloody sock, grampa!"

"Well, when you were just 3 years old..."

That was MY hopeless romance!

@Molinit I think you not only missed the point of the post but misread my situation, there's otherwise no need to be callous.

I’ve been told the same kind of advice. Move on, get over him, forget it, focus somewhere else, all men are the same, etc. I’ve been writing and sharing to get rid of some of the pain. The guy I was involved with is busy in his life, and soon I will be too.