My ex husband moved into my neighborhood

Please help. I am distraught, distressed, beyond upset, and beyond exasperated.

I left my abusive narcissist ex husband a year and a half ago. The divorce was finalized in March 2023.

At that time, he moved 40 minutes away from me and I was SO relieved and SO happy.

Since the divorce, I have experienced freedom and elation because I have been free of his abuse and much happier and much more at peace.

We've had some amount of contact off and on since then, typically ending with me blocking him, yet again. We share the same social circle and visit some of the same places, so I've had to deal with running into him socially.

At the same time, he has exhibited some stalkerish behaviors over the last year and has communicated repeatedly that he very much still wants to be with me and still loves me.

He has shown up on my doorstep uninvited at least 3 times since the divorce and has "coincidentally" shown up where I am far too many times for it to merely be just coincidental.

Well, I found out last week that he just moved into my neighborhood, only a 1/4 of a mile away from where I live!

I unblocked him and told him on no uncertain terms that if he continues to "coincidentally" run into me, that I will get a restraining order.

Here's my problem: I can't move. I cannot afford to move, number 1, and importantly, number 2, I don't want to move! I love my apartment, it's cheap for the amount of space that I have, I have a ton of storage, which is unheard of in my city, and it's in a perfect location for me.

Not to mention that moving residences would screw up all of my financial plans that I have for the next 3 years. It would cost me at least 5K to move, I would have to borrow money from mom, and I don't know if she even has that kind of money to lend to me.

So, moving is not an option. Not now.

A restraining order IS an option, and I will resort to that if the time comes and if it's obvious that he truly is stalking and harassing me.

I spoke with my abuse advocate last week from the local domestic violence center about the legal RO process and determined that I cannot put myself through it emotionally right now.

There's also some risk involved because I have given mixed messages by unblocking him, being nice, cordial and friendly to him, and then getting frustrated as soon as he starts manipulating me again, and I block him again. He could easily argue in court that I've done this, which could weaken my position for a restraining order.

However, and here's my question to the community:

HOW do I get him out of my head and HOW do I NOT worry about running into him?

Now that he's moved so close to me, I am consumed again by thoughts of him. I feel my freedom and happiness have been stolen from me by him, once again, and I am living with anxiety and fear of running into him OR of him constantly driving by my apartment to see if I am home or if another car is in my driveway next to mine.

Now, while driving through our neighborhood and town, I am looking for his car and worried about seeing or passing him on the road while driving.

Running errands at the stores I always go to that he and I always used to go to as well, now has become an anxiety ridden trip for me.

I am imagining each of us dating other people, or him dating and trying to shove his new gf in my face. If I go out to eat at a favorite local restaurant, as I like to do alone sometimes, I could run into him and potentially his date or new gf. How will I feel, and how will I manage that?

I know I am over him, meaning, I don't want to be with him ever again, but he knows my weaknesses. And him being with a new girlfriend, he knows could potentially get under my skin!

And this is why: He also falsely thinks I still have feelings for him and recently said this to me, BECAUSE I had been friendlier to him over the last month!

AND, so as a result of that, I think he's done this on purpose to make me on edge, and to make me jealous of any women I see with him! I feel he's trying to now gain power and control back and make me miserable and on edge by being so close to me! And so far, it's been working! ARGH!

So, I wrote a final text before blocking him again. I told him that I do NOT still have feelings for him, and then I threatened a restraining order if he shows up repeatedly where I am now that he's moved. I made it clear that I want nothing to do with him. Then blocked him.

So given I cannot move, HOW do I get him out of my thoughts?

I am consumed by my anxieties and fears about running into him, him spying on me, seeing him with a new gf as he drives by me, or seeing him in town with a gf at a restaurant or at a store. He has told me that he could be walking in our neighborhood and that he will use the laundromat down the street from me every week.

I don't know how to handle this and need help.

I guess no one can help... ?

I was feeling far better about my ex before he moved into my neighborhood. Meaning, I got to a place where I was more indifferent to him, rather than enraged by him. And now I am enraged by him, all over again.

It's like I am re-experiencing the abuse. In fact, it feels like he IS still abusing me. He knows that him moving so close to me will seriously bother and irk me to no end. I believe he's made this move on purpose, for just that reason.

I am lining up a therapist through my job and I will have weekly calls with my abuse advocate through the local domestic violence center. I know one thing: I need to gather up a support system.

That sounds frustrating and aggravating.

There are quite a few videos on YouTube about why the narcissist won't leave you alone. Perhaps getting better ideas about what his motives might be could help you feel a bit more emotional distance?

As someone who identifies as codependent, I wonder if you might benefit from looking into doing codependency work (maybe you already have?). Codependency is about detaching from people we have unhealthy attachments to, and living our own lives. Staying in our own lane, and expecting (with stong boundaries) for them to do the same. Detaching is a learned skill, and it can take a bit of time, but it's so worth it to feel the psychological and emotional distance between yourself and the toxic person.

When you stop caring, it won't matter anymore.

Why worry? You live in a big city. Ignore him like he isn't there. Do not contact him again under any circumstances. My sisters ex lives down the street from her. Its really not a problem and they had a child together. Take a couple of deep breaths. You have professionals to help you if needed.

@ArmorPlate108 thanks so much! You gave me some good ideas to work on - detachment, like Buddhists believe in and follow. I have been in a codependent position with my ex, but that also sounds helpful to start addressing.

I've definitely read a lot about narcissists and have watched many helpful therapeutic videos. Maybe I will return to watching those again, to help me distance more.

You've been of great help! So thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

I called it a city but it's a small town, not a city. He lives right down the street from me and knows all the stores and restaurants I like. I could run into him anywhere and at any time, is my point.

I don't have professional's help yet and am looking for peer support in the meantime. Thank you for your post and reply. Appreciated!

I'm trying to think of how I can afford a move, and it likely won't be for a couple of years.

I wanted to use that money to take a really nice vacation. Now, I think I may put off a vacation.

Once I get my work bonus next March, I plan to pay off debt with a solid chunk of it and pay back money I owe mom.

Then with the next year's bonus, I can take 5K to move and delay a vacation until the following year.

I could do this all so much more easily if I got a roommate. But I had trouble finding one last year - a lot of trouble - my landlord doesn't make it easy by requiring a $250 application fee for a background check and to be added to the lease. A roommate would resolve my financial issues. At the same time, I've had a bad roommate before, and it turned into a nightmare. I cannot deal with another bad roommate - it is risky to bring in just anyone.

The point being - I likely can't move for 2 years and feel very stuck - unless I can borrow the money from mom. Then I could move next year. That would be very helpful and much more ideal, but I don't know if I can borrow that much from her. I will have to talk to her about it and soon.