[Cantholdmyrage]

This is one of my biggest pet peeves: when you try to discuss a problem you have and are given unsolicited advice even though you never asked for a solution.

It makes me so angry when I hear people say “people just don’t want to have their problems solved anymore” because they are missing the point. Not everything needs a solution. We just want to vent and get things off our chest.

For example, I was asked to try more vegetables, and I said no, because I have ARFID. She told me to I could do X for me to enjoy it. I told her it doesn’t work because I can still taste that stuff and they make me sick. She kept on giving me solutions that I never asked for even though I kept telling her nothing works.

I then told her that she was being insensitive to people who struggle with eating disorders and she cannot expect them to do things her way. She said “true but, you can still find solutions for your problems”.

That did it! I got so angry, I shouted at her “How many times have I told you, I don’t want any solutions?! I never asked for you to give me any solutions, ever! Let us be. There are things that are impossible to solve. Want to solve this conflict? Simple, leave us be and stop bothering us with your unwanted advice!”

It’s one thing if someone asks for advice, and that is acceptable. But the problem is, many instances we don’t ask for it and we are given it anyway. It sounds so intrusive and unsympathetic.

There’s a reason why I say I need to get things off my chest, so I won’t have to deal with annoying comments like “do X” or do Y”. It feels like the passive-aggressive equivalent to “stfu, get off your *** and do something about your problem so I won’t have to hear you complain”.

It honestly makes me sick. Anyways, rant over.

[Yaowen]

Yeah, I feel that way too. Its so frustrating.

[Embracingtruth]

I think it really depends on who you select to speak to about such matters. If its a family member , they might feel more engaged to throw in their two cents because they feel they have that allowance and familiarity. If its someone more removed like a friend or associate, well... they may interpret your venting as asking for direction because they don't know you well enough to understand you're just venting. I think its always incumbent on the person speaking to make their intentions known because allot of people are searching for advice , so you need to be sure that distinction is made. If you encounter someone who has that kind of personality that chooses to impose their direction, then cease speaking to them about such topics or cease their direction early to avoid conflict by saying, "I'm on top of this. Lets move on to another topic." Just shut it down. It can be said pleasantly but pointedly.

[Cantholdmyrage]

Originally Posted by Embracingtruth

I think it really depends on who you select to speak to about such matters. If its a family member , they might feel more engaged to throw in their two cents because they feel they have that allowance and familiarity. If its someone more removed like a friend or associate, well... they may interpret your venting as asking for direction because they don't know you well enough to understand you're just venting. I think its always incumbent on the person speaking to make their intentions known because allot of people are searching for advice , so you need to be sure that distinction is made. If you encounter someone who has that kind of personality that chooses to impose their direction, then cease speaking to them about such topics or cease their direction early to avoid conflict by saying, "I'm on top of this. Lets move on to another topic." Just shut it down. It can be said pleasantly but pointedly.

In case if you don’t know already, I DO let people know that I’m only venting. However I’ve talked to several people who constantly need to throw out unsolicited advice despite the fact I told them that’s not what I want.

Speaking of which, I went no contact with a guy who won’t take a hint at that. He just kept making it all sound like it’s my fault. Despite the fact I kept explaining to him, he keeps going “what do you mean by that?” as if he’s dumber than a rock. When he finally understands what I’m saying, he won’t accept my perspective and kept telling me that simply cannot happen.

Another instance is when a woman felt the need to tell me to stop acting like the victim and get off my lazy *** and do something about it. I called her out for this, since I was discussing on depression and ableism. She told me I needed a good reality check and driveled on how we just want to play victim all the time and make excuses for everything and how we made the choice to feel depressed.

She absolutely pissed me off. I tried reporting her but no one did anything about it. Mind you, she was stalking me all over the site, which I’m not going to name. She was particularly the reason I got kicked out.

[Rose76]

Telling others about an issue is risky business. They can respond in a way that is invalidating and hurtful. It's happened to me. I only know of one way to protect myself: There are certain people to whom I just don't say certain things.

I battle recurring depression. One of my sisters has always responded to me in a very condescending way. She'll say, "You just make yourself that way." or "You just need to stop dwelling on negative things." Finally, I figured out that she is not someone I should turn to when I could use some support. So I don't. She'ld be the last person on earth I'd call, no matter how bad I felt. I decided that a few years ago. I'm glad I did because those puts-downs used to only make me feel a lot worse.

This sister of mine is not a bad person. She likes to do nice things for me. She just doesn't have patience with anyone having emotional difficulty. She is very restrained in expressing her own emotions. I've decided that I can't expect her to be different. It means we're not as close as I would wish, and I'm slow to confide in her. Recently I mentioned to her a difficulty I was having with another family member. She started telling me how I need to try to not react to things. It made me really angry. I said, "I have to go. Someone's at the door." She accepted that readily and said goodbye. I'm glad I thought of a way to cut short her little lecture, even if it was through a white lie. Sometimes, self-protection means cutting off someone's access to you.

I hope you find tactics to protect yourself from others who think they know better than you how to live your life. First of all, that can mean letting go of the hope that a particular person will be a consoling presence in your life. It could be your mom, or sister or best friend - someone you'ld normally hope would "be there" for you. When that's not how they are - repeatedly - then you have to see their limitation and not set yourself up to be hurt.

We all need to be listened to by someone who doesn't think they have all the answers and the right to always second guess us. It can be a long search to find that. Sometimes you have to pay a professional for that non-judgemental ear . . . or post in forums like this. At least, your insight into this dynamic can make you more humane when someone else is telling you about a difficulty they are having.

[Embracingtruth]

Originally Posted by Cantholdmyrage

In case if you don’t know already, I DO let people know that I’m only venting.

Saying you need to get something off your chest is simply telling someone you need to say something that has been bothering you. If I hear someone saying that, I'm thinking they're opening up about something and want to say it to me for support. Said support usually comes from a discussion afterwards.

If the mechanics of what you're needing is to just say it out loud as to alleviate the frustration within you, then do it with yourself. Otherwise what you're suggesting is more on the level of a counselor or someone who has known you a really long time who fundamentally understands what you're doing.

The average person who does not fit those definitions will not feel invested in you to give of their time to listen to your issues, if you do not value their time to respond in kind.