What are reasons a person might feel the need to seek the approval of a parent

As an adult, that is. What can a person learn from this?

My sister is a perfect example of this. Growing up, she was always "daddy's favorite" and in his eyes could do no wrong. Well, it morphed into her growing up to be a selfish, entitled, insecure baby until my father passed. Up until my father died, she sought his approval/praise on everything and now she lives a lonely life (not married/no kids).

I imagine that wasn't easy for you.

What if the situation were different, say, the parent had previously been unavailable to the child in certain ways.

This is JMHO based on personal experience/observation:

When we're little, we learn ourselves through our parents' eyes. We don't have the internal resources to function independently, so we have to look externally for that information. A parent/adult's job it to model and teach us to become independent, and part of that independence is self-reliance and the ability to trust in ourselves- so we don't have to look externally for validation. Unfortunately, many parents aren't up to that challenge, but some young people still find a suitable mentor in a teacher, other relative, etc. Some don't ever find anyone to teach them that. At the end of the day though, who wouldn't want that acceptance and approval of a parent? They are very important people in our lives, no matter how they function or don't.

My H was the opposite of Revenge Tour's sister, but it seems like maybe the internal regulation never got developed in either case. H could do nothing right in his parents' eyes. At 53, he's still trying, though I'm pretty certain he can't see that's what he's doing. And sadly, he's never going to get their approval- but it's one of his compulsions to keep on trying. So he keeps looking for the external validation of his parents, and even others around him, rather than being able to look to an internal part of himself that can tell him he's okay.

Anyway, that's my take on the aspects I've seen. Not sure if that might help.

I wonder if parent's approval would satisfy H? The idea of approval seems somehow connected with gaining the skill...

I wonder if there is a right way to go about asking whether the parents are challenged, or maybe practicing tough love? Or if they simply weren't taught themselves and don't know.

If it doesn't come naturally from them is it worth asking them for help with it?

H's parents are, and always have been, very dysfunctional. They would not likely be capable or receptive to the idea. As someone else on these forums often says correctly, "the goal post is an ever moving target."

H has many more problems than just that, so even if that could be corrected, it would probably only have a nominal effect on his mental health at this point.

When we get to be adults, we need to self-approve and self-regulate. That's part of being an adult, which ultimately includes detaching from our parents, and not reattaching in a parent-child type relationship with someone else, like a spouse.

I don't know how old you are, or if asking a parent about it could be productive. It would depend on the parent and how receptive they are to a critique and self improvement. In H's case, his mother deems herself perfect, so asking about anything that looks like a shortcoming on her part would be met with anger or possibly rage.

In my case, my parents (and my brother) held the franchise on what was "right". To the extent that it was ridiculous. For example, i participated in school choir and newspapers. My parents thought my interest in these was stupid, because my brother did not participate, because if it had been "right" to do so, he would have done it! My mother didnt tell me of this "logic" until much later in my adulthood.

So i spent a lot of my adulthood trying to convince my mother that my choices were "right". It didnt feel like i was looking for her approval, i was going by logic! Unfortunately, she was always going to tell me no.

After i started going no contact with her, one spring she commented how her new condo neighbor had LOVED her big bunch of pink tulips that she brought over from her old house. Which i had planted somr years earlier. Which she had NEVER appreciated and just thought were dumb. Which i had chosen to match her Franciscan Desert Rose (pink) dishes. But now, because some virtual stranger thought they were nice, all of a sudden the mother looks at me with different eyes, as if I had actually KNOWN something. That clarified for me how deep her hateful prejudice against me really was. I only wish i had realized it sooner. But she didnt want me to "feel bad" - she wanted always to give me a chance to see the truth as she defined it.

Adults who seek their parents approval want to feel secure. Their parents had made them feel insecure in the past and gave them messages that taught them to not fully trust their decisions without deferring to their parents. These parents didn’t effectively parent, and treating their children like this harmed and stunted them.

Good parents typically approve of all reasonable choices their adult children make. If they don’t approve, they should at least accept letting their children be who they are and do what they choose.

Seeking approval from a parent comes with the desire to want them to be proud of you. It happens when the relationship with the parent has not been a really healthy one or the adult child would feel secure in themselves and not in need of approval.

I wonder what something like this might be called.. or what might have caused this for her originally.

I guess it's not wise to go correcting her, but neither is it easy to adapt to someone else's world. Have you found a balance that has a positive effect?

Her dying helped a lot.

Who knows? A professional would probably have some ideas.

In real world practice, it would be unhealthy for me (or anyone else in the family) to spend time thinking about it. My responsibility is to myself, which essentially means maintaining good boundaries with her; not allowing her to overstep inappropriately into my space with her issues.

Not feeling loved enough as a child. And seeking to fulfill that need as an adult in order to 'heal' the child.