Help with my relationship

Hey FlightControl... I will start by saying I can sense the confusion and frustration you are feeling.

I have to say though.. there are several red flags for me in this post. I feel like I want to tread very carefully here because its good you are here and wanting to ask questions. I will respond as though you were a mate of mine and had told me the same story, and I want to help.

I obviously don't know what's going on, what space she is in, what space you are in, etc. And I will try and not make assumptions. But the first thing I would say is its not ok to spy, go through your wife's things, go through her phone, etc, etc. I can understand how it happens but its a dangerous path to be on and it will just mess with your head. You have no context or understanding of anything you find, only your assumptions which you brain will make fit whatever path your thoughts are leading you down.

If your wife is in a place where she is feeling less desire and affection towards you that can really hurt and can be very confusing. You want those things from her and want to understand why they aren't there. But there are many reasons why it may be the case. She may feel you aren't in a good place in the marriage. She may not feel safe with you for some reason (doesn't matter if its valid or not). She may not feel good about herself or could be insecure in herself and her sexuality. It could be anything. But even though you guys have been together 25 years your wife's sexuality is her own. You have to respect her privacy. What parts of it she shares with you or not is her choice.

Honestly the only path forward for me would to be try and make sure the relationship is safe enough for you both to be able to openly talk about things. Defensive responses and anger from her when you ask (it came across more as accuse) her about things sounds like she is protecting herself. Whether you think she needs to defend herself or not is less important than the fact she may feels she does.

I want to be VERY clear I am not saying you are abusive or threatening! I am not at all. It could just be she doesn't feel close to you, or isn't comfortable talking about those things with you.

... the other observation I can't help making is that your post was almost entirely sexual. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.. but its just one part. You don't talk about any others. Sex can be an indicator of when there are other challenges.

Honestly the advice I would give a friend is try to stand back and try to look at your marriage from her perspective. How do you think things are for her? And if you aren't sure (which is normal and common) that's the place to start.