Help with my relationship

We've been married for 25 years. We know each other since we were both 19 years old. I was my wife's first and only men she has been with sexually.

Recently (let's say the past 2-3 years) I have been dealing with lots of frustrations on our marriage which brought us to several different fights and have me do things that were not right. Just to be clear, there hasn't been any cheating from any of the sides (or at least that I know of). I trust her.

My wife started to develop a lack of desire for physical touch. She suddenly stopped kissing me, she would refuse hugs and our sex life ended up being a boring one in which there's just some touching, penetration, both of us reach the O and we're done.

Around the same time my wife started going out with some new friends. They are all married ladies and I know them and their spouses quite well. All but one have kids which are the same age of ours or even older. Ours are 11 and 16. This group of ladies started to do a lot of things together, without their spouses. They would go out to eat, drink, concerts, several girls trips, etc.

Among some of these parties, every year they would host a "naughty" santa party in which they would exchange gifts which are all sexual in nature -- toys, lube, customs, etc. My wife always told me about those but never ever showed me anything she got. When I would ask about it, she immediately would shut me down. This has created in me some issues, not sure how to explain, but I am thinking to myself: why not invite me to use the toys with her? Whenever I questioned (jokily) if she was using them she flat out denied and would get defensive or angry about it.

One day we were both alone at home and off-work. I tried to initiate sex and she flat out denied. I then went back to the bedroom to lay down and found her drawer with the toys open and several other toys were there (that I haven't even knew about it). I questioned her about it and was like: ohhh I know why you didn't want to have sex this morning, it is because you wanted some time alone with your toys (I was making a fun comment). She got really angry about it and a couple of days later she threw all the toys out.

A few months go by and she bought a new one and hid from me. She doesn't know how to hide things well and I found it, but, I never asked her about it. I, then, developed some sort of phobia to track her toys and knew exactly when she was using them, which would be every 2-3 days. I do travel for work a lot, so, I imagine that the days I am away she's having a blast!

I bought a toy and the toys she threw away and gave back to her along with a letter of apology. She laughed about it and kind of put this matter in the past. One of the toys I bought was a remote controlled one and I told her that we should try to use it when I am away. One time during sex she asked to try the new one I gave her and we did. That same day she told me she bought a lube and she wanted to try one time. Never did.

Now, this is where it gets interesting. Recently I noticed she bought some sexy lingerie. Thongs. She hates those. So I got REALLY suspicious about what was going on. Saw one in the laundry as I was folding and made a joke about it. Again she got defensive and said: I can't even wear a specific underwear without you asking me? And then I didn't question anymore. However, I started to get paranoid and started snooping around her stuff.

I am not going to say how, but, I did find out that she would masturbate almost daily with her toys. And I also found some deleted pictures on her phone of her naked or wearing sexy lingerie (even some I bought years ago and she never used) and in some of those pictures there were the toys. The pictures were ALL on our master bathroom that has big mirrors and she poses to them. One of the pictures was taken as a video and I could hear her complimenting herself (she hates when I say she's hot) following by starting her toy. She never sent the pictures to anyone.

Needless to say, she caught me snooping around and now it is threating me with divorce. However, I am trying to talk her out of it and she may be willing to forgive me. Not sure how long it will take, but, I did what I did, I regret but I found the answer I needed.

Now... I have been going to therapy for a while to try to understand how to cope with her rejections, and I did mention all of this to my therapist. We both think that she may be Autosexual. That does explain why she develop the lack of interest in physical touch and that the number of sex toys increased in our home.

One last piece of information: we did couples therapy. At the moment the therapist figured out she had issues, she decided to quit. She did tell me that she did went to a therapist herself and she quitted too. When we were fighting about the snooping she said: I am not going back to therapy, because both of the times I went, I was the problem, so, I am not going to a therapist to tell me I am full of issues. She's in denial, she prefers to find answers on Google.

Does anyone here has had a similar experience or is married to an Autosexual person? I'd love to hear what you have done.

Hey FlightControl... I will start by saying I can sense the confusion and frustration you are feeling.

I have to say though.. there are several red flags for me in this post. I feel like I want to tread very carefully here because its good you are here and wanting to ask questions. I will respond as though you were a mate of mine and had told me the same story, and I want to help.

I obviously don't know what's going on, what space she is in, what space you are in, etc. And I will try and not make assumptions. But the first thing I would say is its not ok to spy, go through your wife's things, go through her phone, etc, etc. I can understand how it happens but its a dangerous path to be on and it will just mess with your head. You have no context or understanding of anything you find, only your assumptions which you brain will make fit whatever path your thoughts are leading you down.

If your wife is in a place where she is feeling less desire and affection towards you that can really hurt and can be very confusing. You want those things from her and want to understand why they aren't there. But there are many reasons why it may be the case. She may feel you aren't in a good place in the marriage. She may not feel safe with you for some reason (doesn't matter if its valid or not). She may not feel good about herself or could be insecure in herself and her sexuality. It could be anything. But even though you guys have been together 25 years your wife's sexuality is her own. You have to respect her privacy. What parts of it she shares with you or not is her choice.

Honestly the only path forward for me would to be try and make sure the relationship is safe enough for you both to be able to openly talk about things. Defensive responses and anger from her when you ask (it came across more as accuse) her about things sounds like she is protecting herself. Whether you think she needs to defend herself or not is less important than the fact she may feels she does.

I want to be VERY clear I am not saying you are abusive or threatening! I am not at all. It could just be she doesn't feel close to you, or isn't comfortable talking about those things with you.

... the other observation I can't help making is that your post was almost entirely sexual. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.. but its just one part. You don't talk about any others. Sex can be an indicator of when there are other challenges.

Honestly the advice I would give a friend is try to stand back and try to look at your marriage from her perspective. How do you think things are for her? And if you aren't sure (which is normal and common) that's the place to start.