Panic Attacks, Everything All at Once ...

I am not sure where to place my feelings.

Where do I begin? To contextualize this ... I need to start from the beginning. I will try to keep it short.

My sister and husband got into a disagreement on a trip we (my mother, sister, her family, and our family friends with their kids) took together last summer. It was a stressful trip. Every. Single. Day. The result led to a rift in the entire family. To this day, my sister and husband haven't spoken and they (my sister and BIL) have since cut off all contact from him.

On the last weekend of the trip, my sister disrespected my husband in public by shouting and demanding that he wouldn't be able to find his way back if he took a certain route, and that he should just stay with the group. Our family friend had an overactive bladder and needed to use the restroom often, so my husband offered to take him. We were in a country whose primary language was not English (my family's heritage). My husband does not speak the language, but knows enough and is smart enough to navigate when given the chance.

My husband felt enraged and pleaded with me to say something to my sister. My fearful avoidant attachment style kicked in. I felt paralyzed. That night we didn't sleep. We fought the entire night and he threatened to head back home without me. Eventually, that would have led to our divorce. So, instead of him leaving alone, we left together, albeit abruptly. I felt so conflicted. I felt ashamed and immature. Yet, I couldn't voice my feelings to him.

Eventually, my husband and sister (10 years my senior) spoke on the phone. He explained to her what happened, how he felt. She defended herself and denied any responsibility.

Now fast forward, my mother at first stood by me, but now she is on my sister's side. She doesn't call me anymore and didn't visit for the holidays because she felt like she lost her daughters. My husband and I have fought to the point where we almost divorced.

Now I am conflicted because I want to repair the relationship with everyone, but it's been over 7 months. In a couple of weeks, my niece is graduating from high school. My husband doesn't want to be there, but I can't miss it (a three hour drive). Everything has changed within the family dynamic and the worst part is I have no one to run to... currently looking for a therapist, so I can take the steps to heal. My sister and I have communicated only through text about different things (relating to picking up my nieces to hang out, uncoupling some financial things). Other than that, nothing.

Sorry for this rant. I am not making any sense.
Is it wrong for me to see both perspectives in this feud? Did I bring shame to my family?

It's gotten to the point where some weeks, I'm having panic attacks at my job. Can't sleep certain nights. I have nightmares. I don't want to disappoint my family. I don't want to hurt my mom. I've hit rock bottom a few times. Turning to drinking excessively, afraid to bring it up to my husband how I'm feeling. Crying to myself all the time. Keeping my feelings hidden so my colleagues won't see.

My husband needs me to prioritize our marriage, but I also can't let go of my family. Am I just a major disappointment?

You are correct and well justified in being able to and taking the trouble to see both sides in the family feud. You urgently need therapy for self and later possibly couples therapy to work things out with your husband. But first, self. Panic attacks, sleepless nights - this is getting dangerous. I am glad that you came here and hope that your next step will be to seek professional therapy.

I think you're trying hard to accomplish what you don't have the power to do. No wonder you feel stressed. You don't have the power to reconcile your husband and your sister.

I would recommend that you go to your nieces graduation without your husband. Make the 3 hour drive. Stay overnight.
Then drive back home the next day. Your husband won't like you going off alone. That is the price he pays for deciding he cannot tolerate being around your sister. He has a right to decide that. He doesn't have the right to stop you attending a family function that you want to be a part of. Accept his decision for what he needs to do for him. Don't miss the family gathering, if you want to be there, which is what you do want and have a perfect right to want. Between now and then, don't try to talk to your husband about your sister. While you're at her house, don't try to talk to your sister about your husband's feelings. She's not going to be interested in hearing that. Accept that - for now - they need to not be around each other. This rift has a better chance of blowing over, if you don't try to force a reconciliation. Enjoy your husband, while you're at home. Enjoy your family while you're on your visit with them. As for you're mom, don't worry about whose side she is on. Resist the temptation to bring up the topic of who disrespected who. That's just adding fuel to the fire. You won't change anyone's mind or convince anyone that they were wrong.

If going to family functions means that your husband doesn't accompany you, then you will end up going to fewer family functions. That's okay. That's the price your family pays for not being able to get along with your husband. You can't split yourself down the middle and give one half of yourself to your family and the other half to your husband. Mostly, you'll be with your husband. Now and then you'll be with your family. Your relationship with one doesn't have to destroy your relationship with the other.

Clearly, a family trip like you went on is something you probably shouldn't do again. Some families like melodrama. You don't have to participate in that. Choose to not feed energy into a feud. I realize it's easy for me to say that because I'm not in the middle of this situation.

Celebrate your niece's achievement on her special day. Let the day you visit be about that. Refuse to be drawn into dumb conversations with your family about who was right and who was wrong. It sounds like your sister has been rude to your husband. It's okay to say to your husband, "I'm sorry my sister was so rude toward you." Your husband has to understand that you cannot control your sister.

My mother and sister don't even talk to me anymore.

My mom is stubborn and even visited my sister and her family, but she didn't tell me. I found out through my stepdad the next day.

For the record, my sister has a history of speaking to me harshly. Speaking to mom harshly, speaking to random people by screaming or complaining all the time. My whole extended family sees this. Yet there are people who never say anything. Because my husband said something, it makes is 100x worse. I was supposed to be the courageous one. Yet when I try to set those boundaries, it's unreasonable or it wasn't their fault.

I do a lot for her. I do a lot for my mom. It's always expected that I be the perfect one. I lived with my sister for years after college, and helped raise my nieces. To this day, I still have a relationship with them. The eldest I can't tell if she sees me differently. The youngest still cares about me.

Even through all of this, my mom and sister see me as even more immature. Even more stupid, even more incapable. my mom even demanded my husband and I apologize and ask for forgiveness from my sister. My husband refuses. I'm torn.

Why should you ask for forgiveness from your sister? What are you guilty of?

Don't worry so much about who thinks what of whom. What goes on inside of other people's minds is their problem. I was in a psych program where they had a sign on the wall that said, "What other people think of you is none of your business." I had to ponder that for awhile. Then I started to see the light. Stop reading other people's minds, even if you're good at it. Deal with behaviors, not with the turmoil inside of other people's heads.

Right now your husband and your sister are avoiding each other. That's okay. Take a step back, and don't be in the middle of that. Your mom promotes a lot of this bickering. When your mom tells you to apologize to big sister, just say, "I'll think about it." Say it with warmth and sincerity. Then change the subject and don't spend 2 minutes thinking about it. If Mom brings it up again in 2 weeks, just say gently, "I'm still thinking about it." Then forget all about it. I think this family of yours has been playing with your head for a long time. It's time to flip the script.

Why are you taking responsibility for other people's emotions or behaviors?

Example: or Your husband is a grown man, why would he start fights with you, ask you to speak to your sister (with whom HE has a fight), and emotionally blackmail you to stop seeing your family. He is making a mountain out of nothing.

Worse, you are internalizing these messages thinking that YOU are the problem. From what you write, HE is the problem. You are allowed to see your family and have a relationship with them. "Prioritizing" your marriage does not mean losing your family because harsh words were spoken and your husband's ego was too fragile to take it.

Your husband should put on his big boy pants and stop his histrionics or trying to control you. That is very immature of him.