My wife disassociates

My wife has a large amount of trauma from childhood, and the way I was when I was younger just piled it on. I was angry all the time, I wasn't supportive, and a belittled and took SO many things personal that shouldn't have been. I was selfish and a horrible husband.

I feel like I was a monster... but at the same time I know now I'm a good person/husband.

Fast forward to today, we've been wonderful for quite awhile, it took me time but I got the hang of being present and supportive. We never dealt with any of the past issues, and now we are starting a trial separation. We have four children from grade school to high schoolers. During our discussions I felt like our entire relationship has been a lie, and today I found out she disassosiates frequently, and feels safer doing it. I want to be here for her but I don't know how. Most things I do make her feel bad that she's leaving, she's trying to prioritize friends (which is a good thing and I support it), but where do I fit in? She's moving, I'm keeping the children. How do I hold on? She kept it together for years while I needed it, I want to do the same for her... I just don't know how to do it when I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I want her to get better, and I also want us to work...I just don't know if both will happen...has anyone been through something similar? I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, but I can't talk about it with her because either set of feelings triggers her to check out. Everything I read says to be patient and strong, but damn... how do I stay strong and emotionally present for just in case she needs it?

I disassociated (I experienced derealization, rather than depersonalization) when I was in the process of separating from my partner. I remember it was over, but I spooned him in bed, hoping that the nightmare of derealization would go away and I wouldn't feel like I was going insane.

It's interesting that your wife finds it brings her comfort, and I can see that... sounds like she's not afraid of it, like I was.

These are challenging times for you both. Do you each have your own psychologist to help navigate such a big change? And to deal with the guilt, etc?