I'm worried now about visiting family.

Happy your visit is going well...hope it still is.

Good to hear your visit is going well

Seems like this visit is going okay. The reason I'm here does not get talked about. My brother's name is not mentioned. My sister is being nice, but she does most of the talking. I start to say something, but I get cut off before finishing a sentence. I'm tired of being talked at and hearing story after story of stuff that happened years ago. All funny stories. Ha, ha. I'm here to attend a burial ceremony on Thursday. No one mentions that. I don't either. I'm sure I'ld be totally ignored, if I don't stick to what seems to be the script here.

Maybe I should rent a car, so I could take off . . . go for a drive . . . not be stuck in this house.

My other sister and I have borne the expenses of final arrangements for my brother. We're not asking this sister to contribute. She's the youngest and not much was ever asked of her. I'm sure she wants to keep it that way.

I've been taking naps just as something to do. I like two-way conversations, but I don't think I can take being talked at anymore, listening to stories about nothing.

Sorry to drone on. I just have to vent somewhere. I'm starting to feel trapped. I think I'll go for a walk around the neighborhood. It's a nice area.

I ended up staying a total of 11 days. I started this thread talking about a sister who called me before my trip. Well, I stayed with her a total of only 4 days. We were getting along fine. Then when she had me alone on the drive from the cemetery to her house, I got another mini-lecture from her.

She said she was very depressed over my brother's death. Added to that, she said, was the tremendous anxiety I caused her by flying out on a one-way ticket. She said, "You may like to be a free spirit and just decide from day to day what you want to do, but I don't live like that. I need to be able to make plans. I like to have things on my calendar." That was a Friday. I was out of her house on Sunday.

I do realize that some posts above warned me that my one way ticket might not be well-received. I didn't get the one way ticket because I'm a "free spirit" who feels I should be able to blow in and out of other people's homes, as my whims dictate. That was a false narrative.

My other sister drinks and can get difficult. The sister above knows that. She knows what I went through last 2 trips with my sister who tends to get either rowdy or belligerent when she drinks. So I wanted to be able to leave, if something like that started up again. I realize the way I planned things wasn't ideal. Sometimes there is no ideal way to do things.

I didn't plan for my brother to overdose on meth and die. I made arrangements for him that minimized stress on this sister. Our family does not do cremation, which I personally dislike. But I suggested the cremation, here where I live, partly to reduce the pressure on her. She didn't want a wake. She didn't want a funeral Mass. She wanted no other family notified, until it was all over. I went along with all her preferences. I managed to find a priest to come to the cemetery. She got off rather easily, in terms of expense and time and trouble. I scheduled the committal when it was best for her and her husband. They had other things pending that I worked around. I was the one flying thousands of miles to get to a veterans' cemetery near her, when there is one an hour north of where I live. I didn't notice her shedding any tears over my brother. It seemed nobody but me did. I hid mine because my family does not like emotional display.

I feel like I was in a no-win situation. I was trying so hard to accommodate and please everyone. While we were together as a group, both my sisters praised the job I had done in planning. Only when she got me alone did my sister read me the riot act over my one-way ticket. Her husband ignored me, while I was at her house. It sure was a pleasure to get out of that home.

Next she had to drive me to my other sister's house. I had thought of renting a car when I came out, but she urged me not to do that. Transporting me was becoming a problem because she didn't know how she was going to deal with "beach traffic." It ended up that she would drive halfway to my other sister's house, who would meet us half-way. Which day to do that had to get kicked around because of the quandary of how to cope with the nightmare of - oh no - possible heavy traffic. (We weren't going thru NYC. It was from one suburban area to another.) Then her husband came because he didn't trust her to drive in the rain. I felt like such a burden to her. I don't think I deserved that.

I feel like writing her a letter saying I did the best I could to not inconvenience her and that I'm hurt that she said I caused her so much anxiety. Most likely, I would end up deeply regretting that, so I probably won't.

I've gotten depressed thinking about this trip. I'm sure I'll get over this . . . to some extent. I just have to not do anything impulsive, while I feel this bad. She hardly ever talks to me because she told me she hates talking on the phone. She's been in the habit for years of having an expensive floral arrangement delivered to me on my birthday. I feel like telling her not to bother.

I had hoped to visit my sisters about once every 18 months. I'm not young. So I probably wouldn't have all that many visits left, before I may be too old. Now I wonder if I should plan any more visits. I'm very sad.

If you do go back, plan for a hotel and rental car so you’re not at the mercy of anyone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Molinit If you do go back, plan for a hotel and rental car so you’re not at the mercy of anyone else.

I was thinking the same. Just do it & it is not up for discussion. Called taking control of your own life. Some family hates that kind of independence but it is best for you

That really is the only answer.

How are you Rose76?

Are you decompressing ok?

RDMercer

I'm glad to be home.

Yep, that is what I was suggesting at the very beginning - get your own accommodation and no need to account to anyone about anything.

Sorry to hear your sister has not been kind to you.

I hope your time with your other sister was much better. You were there for 7 days so I hope it went well.

I find it interesting that your perception of your sister was “free spirit spontaneous don’t plan things person”, but her own perception of herself is “need to plan and have things in a calendar anxious when things are ambiguous” etc.

I agree with others about renting a car and getting a hotel next time. I also believe in keeping it short. Long vacations with family are only enjoyable if relationship is very close, healthy and stable. Otherwise it’s misery for all parties involved

I am glad it’s over and you got to do things in memory of your brother.

PS dang it, your brother in law…so rude… not talking to you, my sister’s in law husband is this way, not talking to my husband, literally ignoring, very minimal talking to me and we don’t even ever stay in their house. What’s wrong with people

My time with my other sister went well. I was happy about that. Her two adult daughters also came by and were very nice.

Something above got miscommunicated. My sister was annoyed with me coming on a one-way ticket. She said she thought I was trying to be a "free spirit" who just wants to live from moment to moment and just do what I feel like, as my passing whims happen to move me. That was nonsense. My visits have always been well planned. I don't just show up unexpected and hang around till I get thrown out. I do not impose on her unfairly. I never have.

She seemed annoyed that she didn't know exactly what I was going to do. I had good reasons for keeping my options open. Life is teaching me that I don't have to make myself perfectly predictable to others. Guests should do that as much as they reasonably can. Sometimes you have to allow for unknown variables.

I think there was more to this than my sister wanting so much to "plan things." She may have been under some kind of pressure from her husband. It has gotten pretty clear to me that my sister's husband would like it just fine, if none of her family ever came around. He has seen very little of me over the past 10 years. When I visited in 2023, it was the first time in 9 years that I saw them. I had not traveled anywhere for a very long time. I was busy caring for my sig. other, who was in deteriorating health. Then I did not travel during the years that COVID was at it's worse. So I haven't been in anyone's hair in ages.

My brother dying was unexpected. None of us saw this on the horizon as something to be ready for this year. My brother left nothing behind. No money. No will. Nothing. I think my sisters and I cooperated in making reasonable arrangements for laying him to rest with love and respect. It was hardest for me because I had to travel a very long way. The arrangements I suggested made things pretty smooth for them. They liked what I had suggested and gone on to arrange. I did not know what I was walking into. My other sister drinks and can be a problem, when she does. I didn't want to be there very long, if that happened. It turned out that she was fine.

These two sisters of mine live about 150 miles apart. I'm just learning that they have virtually nothing to do with each other. It stunned me to learn that they had not seen each other, since I visited in 2023. It would have been kinda nice, if the two of them could have done a little joint planning. Then everything wouldn't have been so up in the air, when I got there. But no. They each had no idea what the other wanted to do. It seemed it was up to me to coordinate what they were doing. I thought there might be a joint family dinner at one of their houses, but neither of them was suggesting that. I'm getting the impression that they don't visit each other. They don't stay at each other's homes. It's so cold and unlike how our family used to be.

Since losing my boyfriend, I've had to cope with grief and loneliness. Sometimes I cope pretty well, and sometimes I don't, as my threads/posts bear witness to my ups and downs. I don't bother my sisters. I learned long ago that singing the blues is no way to make anyone fond of you. So I don't burden my family. Maybe I should better say "my relatives." They each have their families.

I see my place in their lives has changed greatly. I have to accept that and adapt. Right now I feel awful bad.

I've become so depressed. I need help.

I am sorry you are struggling. Sometimes (or rather often) we all want our families to be something they aren’t and will never be. It’s extremely hard. At some point we have to accept it and find human connection elsewhere. It’s hard to give up the idea of a happy family that will never happen. It’s quite depressing. I understand that

Oh i see about free spirit . When you first bought “no return” ticket I was concerned that it will be problematic and you mentioned that one sister is a “free spirit” and doesn’t like to plan. I was confused now why is she upset with your one way ticket if she is such a spontaneous person. Now I see that a “free spirit” one is the second sister, not the one you originally stayed with.

Are you seeing that psychologist/therapist you liked? I hope you continue with him

I didn't describe either of my sisters as a free spirit. My sister, the "planner," applied the term to me and not in a nice way.

The main outcome of this experience is me facing up to the reality that, as you say, my family connectedness is not what I was hoping for. I have to "find human connection elsewhere."

I am sorry. Maybe I am reading it wrong.

“One of my sisters is a free spirit who dislikes committing to "plans." She likes to just wake up everyday and spontaneously see what she feels like doing. Her home is tends to be a venue for drama. I could arrive there, saying, "I'm here for a week." Two days later, I might want to get the heck out of there. Or we might be having a grand time. I've had it go both ways. This sister is a widow and has strongly encouraged me to come live with her. My other sister is a planner”

Yeah. It seems that most families are never the way one would hope them to be. I get it. Hope you feel better soon falling into routine. It’s good you did something to lay your brother to rest. So something else was accomplished on the trip.

Sorry. My mistake. I forgot about having posted that. (I guess the phrase had stuck in my head, since my sister included it in the lecture she gave me about her fear of me sticking around too long at her house.) I see how I caused confusion around that term.

My sister who says she likes things to be well planned let me know that she did not want me to stay with her too long. Too long ended up meaning not more than a few days. That surprised me. What really felt like a punch in the nose was to find out now that my visit to her home last year was looked upon as an overly long imposition. It's humiliating to be told that I had overstayed my welcome last year. I feel like a fool. My stay with that sister last year got extended because I opted to not go stay with my other sister, partly due to her drinking and some drama that went with it.

Feeling unwanted is bad enough. It's way more embarrassing to be flat out told that my visit a year ago was too long. I think that was unnecessarily cruel. This year I had only been with her for two days when she came out with these complaints. The more I'm thinking about this, the more I'm feeling that I've been a jerk assuming that my company was desired. This sister sends mixed signals. She doesn't call me to say "Happy Birthday," but she'll order an expensive floral arrangement delivered to me on my birthday. I think she feels a certain concern for me because I'm alone . . . sort of like a duty or out of pity. I don't want her charity. Before I left this time, she handed me a check to reimburse me toward what I had spent on my brother's final arrangements. I feel like mailing the check back to her.

I have to stop ruminating over this.

I think under these circumstances, I wouldn't consider another visit to them for at least 2 years, possibly longer. Still do the hotel and rental car, and the "imposition" factor is eliminated. You aren't putting anyone out.

The question to think about is "what did I get out of this visit" and just from the description, it seems that the enjoyment for you was not there. Your sisters seem to just have an additional person (you) to involve in their dysfunctional way of relationships.

A 2 year wait sounds like a good idea. I don't ever want to stay overnight at that sister's home again.