I'm worried now about visiting family.

Hi all. I could really use some encouragement. I live thousands of miles from my next-of-kin. I love them and miss them. I believe they do care about me too. However, going back to visit hasn't always gone smoothly. My longtime partner passed away, and I've never had children. So siblings are extremely important to me. They are all the family that I have. My last two visits were marred by some melodrama, which I want to avoid this time. In both of those cases, alcohol was flowing, which I think led to conversations going sideways.

Before my last trip, I went back to attending Al-Anon to try and reinforce my resolve to not get set off by things people say, while "under the influence." Despite me firmly making that commitment, I failed to keep it. You may remember the old line about how "The best laid plans . . . often go awry."

Another Al-Anon principle is to accept that one cannot control outcomes. Maybe I need to embrace that and figure: What happens happens. But I'm having intense anxiety today. I'm getting together with family to lay my brother's remains to rest. Back in December, I went to visit him in the hospital. I loved him and wanted to see how I could possibly help him. He very firmly told me to go away. So I did. In April, he died. He was found by police, who contacted our family. An acquaintance of his told me that my brother had gotten heavy into drug abuse. I don't think he wanted me to see how he was living. The coroner says that a drug overdose probably contributed to his death.

I've coordinated with my sisters to make the final arrangements. I want this to be a healing get-together. Today, one of my sisters phoned to chat about my upcoming visit. I bought a one way ticket because I'm not sure how long I'll want to stay. My sister who called seemed to be a bit bothered by that. She launched into a mini-lecture about how I need to not let things bother me and how I need to not react when things go a bit sideways. I've been telling myself the same thing. I believe she meant well, but I'm upset right now over her saying that stuff.

I suppose it may be rude on my part to not give my sisters firm dates, as to how long I'm staying, but I want to keep my departure date flexible, depending on how things go. I'd love to stay long enough to enjoy some summer family doings with them. They live in different states, and they are not emotionally close with each other. So the logistics get a bit involved. When my other sister drinks, she can get very morose and hard to be around. Usually, she's sober, and I mostly love being with her. But it's unpredictable how things will go.

My sister who called today has always kind of looked down on me over my history of getting depressed. Years ago, she said, "There's lots of things I could get depressed about, but I don't let myself." She's a very good person, but I learned long ago not to ever call her for support when I'm depressed. My other sister - the one who drinks a bit heavier - is actually the one I can readily confide in.

Last year, I came back from my trip heartbroken. I made a mistake by even slightly alluding to that on the phone today. That was what launched the sister who called into telling me how I should learn to not react to things. I got off the phone quickly, by saying someone was at my front door. I'm glad I did that, rather than start getting into a defensive back-and-forth. But I'm very upset over the call.

I guess that proves I'm just too thin-skinned, which I am. I know my faults. I am working on them. Please, Someone, tell me that this upcoming trip may turn out just fine . . . and, if it doesn't, that's not the end of the world either.

I can't adequately describe the angst I've been going through over the past hour, since that phone call. It has felt awful. What is wrong with me? (Rhetorical question.) Before this phone call, I was in a great mood looking forward to my trip. Now I'm a writhing mess of insecurities. I'm so afraid that something may go sideways and that I won't think fast enough to handle it diplomatically.

One pdoc told me I had "atypical depression." That's when a person is very "sensitive to interpersonal rejection." I think he nailed it. My mood seems to depend on the tone of the last thing someone said to me. I recognize that as a form of immaturity. But it's how I tend to be. So, please help me out with something positive to think about.

I dont like family interaction either. It makes me uncomfortable. Try and find something positive about the trip and concentrate on that.

I think to ensure better visits I’d keep visits short. 4 days. Maybe 5. Maximum. No time for it to go sour

The only people I can tolerate for a long time and can stay with long time in their house is my daughter and my grandson. There’s no one else I want to have in the house for more than a few days or stay in their house long.

When we go to my husbands sister or one of my stepkids out of state, it’s a long weekend type of visit or 4-5 days. They do the same. Last time we arrived on Wednesday and went home on Sunday. It was perfect length

Unless you are extremely close and have the best time together, keel visits as short as possible

Now I might be totally wrong but relatives not having return ticket would really bother me. I need to know when they arrive and when they leave. I am a planner. Is your sister spontaneous type? If not, she might be bothered by ambiguity.

Unfortunately I do not have a good advice re alcohol. I have hard time around drinkers and I saw some bad situations at events when people drink. If you can’t avoid drunken company, the only thing I’d suggest is to not drink yourself, don’t discuss anything controversial and go to be early/blame headache etc

I forgot to add that I believe your visit will go well. I’d just keep it short, avoid drinking and if they drink don’t engage with them. Nod. Tune them out. Go to bed early. Keep it light ( I know it’s hard times because of your brother so it might not be easy)

Right now, I just wish this trip was over with. I've been seeing a psychologist to overcome a long interval of depression that plagued me all thru the winter. He's good to talk with, and I've been doing much better. I've been able to post repeatedly in the check up thread that I'm not depressed. I joined a yoga class. Yesterday, I went to a meeting of my neighborhood association. I've been making myself get out of the house and be involved with others. I know what I need to do, and I've been pushing myself. I do feel much better than I did. The trip, if it goes well, would give me a big boost.

But I can't depend on things going as I would like. Last year I made a big mistake by not saying "goodnight" and simply going to bed when things got a bit stressful. I should have just politely disengaged. Citing a slight headache and a need to go lie down can be a very good means of making a safe, sudden exit.

I used to have more relatives to visit when I traveled back. Some of them have passed away. There were two homes that I loved visiting, where I felt so warmly welcomed and so safe. Those relatives are gone now. I miss them terribly. One had even given me a key to their house.

I'm starting to have bad anxiety again. I have another relative who has been wanting me to come stay with her. She doesn't know I'm coming out. My sister who called today doesn't want our extended family to know about my brother's passing. So I haven't told anyone. My sisters don't have much to do with any of our relatives. I always loved to keep up with extended family . . . probably because I don't have kids. I loved visiting anyone who was interested in having me. I nurtured those connections and found joy in them.

I feel exhausted now from the weight of things on my mind. I want to crawl into bed and not get up for a few days. That's a sure way of becoming depressed again. So I must keep pushing to maintain some normalcy.

Is it possible to postpone your trip a while? It sounds like a few potential stressors and it’s understandable you’re concerned about your recovery.

If it’s not possible to postpone how about preemptively explaining to your sisters about your current progress and fragility to emotional stress?

Omg. Your sister is insane. I had a cousin who passed under similar circumstances. What is ironic is that my brother, who failed to mention his own wife's passing for six months, was the one who immediately blabbed the cousin's sordid details to me. Like it was his effing job. The rest of the family (the deceased's SIL who initially notified me) was much more circumspect.

I hope you can go on this journey and embrace the comfort of your remaining relatives as you deserve.

I'm going back because my brother died. I can't postpone this trip. I don't talk about emotional problems with my sisters. I learned long ago that it's not wise to do that. It just makes others think less of me.

When I went to Alan on I heard an expression and it has kept me out of unpleasant discourse. You may know. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOW UP TO EVERY FIGHT YOU'RE INVITED TO.

My other fave. It is better to be kind than righr

That is so good! Cuz ya know, sometimes you only THINK you were invited. Like in Taxi Driver, where DeNiro says, "You talkin' to me? Cuz i just wanna know if you were talkin' to me."

Don’t do an open-ended stay. Make it short and stay in a hotel so you can decompress in your own space at night.

It feels like you’re trying to heal decades of dysfunction. It’s not going to happen.

I’d buy a return ticket. 5 days max. Tell your sister.

It’s enough time to visit with them and for it to stay nice. If they like to drink to excess and get rowdy, they can’t expect family members to come for visits, especially long visits.

That's a great quote. I think I'll write it on the inside cover of my daily calendar. I need to be reminded of these good principles.

Thanks for the input above. "Decades of dysfunction" sums it up pretty well.

I react too quickly sometimes. It gets me in trouble.

There's nothing wrong with you.

And also, you are allowed to go with an open-ended ticket. This is something you want to do (and why should other people's insecurities or issues prevent you from doing what *you* want) and frankly, this is no one else's business. I would suggest *not* staying at their place. Find your own accommodation and do as you please.

As for things going sour, you cannot control other people's reactions. Go with your desire for peace and closeness. IF others react or start drama, you do not have to play that game. Retreat and do your thing.

I just wander why do you think it’s not host’s business to know when house guests are leaving the house or why is it an issue or insecurity to know when your guest room will be available if you have other guests visiting, how much groceries to buy, when you can plan your own vacation, how many days you need to take off work, what and how many tickets to buy to what events for your guests, will they need a car or transportation etc etc

Knowing when the house guest leaving: tomorrow or a week from now or two months or never is very much hosts’ business.

Now of course if the person stays in a hotel and only sees hosts on occasion it’s different, but it’s not what Rose said and even then people might need to know “ could they themselves leave town in two weeks going on their own vacation or should they still be available for their guests?”

We have a lot of family out of town and in other countries and there’s always someone coming or going. I’ve never heard of no return ticket unless it’s a special circumstance like traveling for medical treatment or traveling to provide medical care for a relative. If it’s a vacation leisurely visit, people always know when the house guests arrive and leave so everyone could have the best time.

The sisters being visited live in different states themselves. Im assuming rose may visit other relatives or places also? I dont really see a problem with the lack of a fixed itinerary for the trip.

That’s a good point. Maybe I just not grasping the situation.

I imagined Rose going to the sisters house and not telling her for how long she’ll be there. And people are telling me it’s not host’s business and host is being insecure. Maybe people just live different lives. Maybe people have several guest rooms? Live in very big houses? Are wealthy? Are always available for guests as never travel themselves or don’t work? Don’t make any arrangements/reservations/purchases for their guests hence don’t care when guests come and go? Last time we had house guests I reserved/purchased ton of fun stuff to entertain (with their approval). How would I do this if I didn’t freaking know how long they are planning on staying?

Sorry. If no return tickets are a common occurrence then I digress. But I see it as a problem because sister is already unhappy and visit didn’t even start.

Erm, did you actually read what I said?! Nowhere in my post did I suggest staying at somebody else's place indefinitely.

This is what I said: The whole premise of my reply was for Rose, who wanted to spend more time away, to make alternative arrangements (of course, if at all possible) in finding her own accommodation and doing as she wants.

It has always been my practice to give exact dates of arrival and departure. I've always discussed with family before buying tickets, so that we coordinate, and to make sure I'm not intruding on any plans of theirs. That's simple courtesy in my book. I totally agree with divine that it's rude to arrive at someone's home and not be able to answer the question, "When ya leavin?"

Social norms become norms for very good reasons. Divine lists a few, which all make sense. However, my trips to visit family have repeatedly put me in the midst of abnormal behavior. I've come to the conclusion that I gain nothing by making myself totally predictable. To get a good price on a return ticket, it's best to be able to take off on short notice. Each of my sisters lives about 30 minutes from an airport. I can leave from either one. I'm not sure whose home I'm going to be at when.

One of my sisters is a free spirit who dislikes committing to "plans." She likes to just wake up everyday and spontaneously see what she feels like doing. Her home is tends to be a venue for drama. I could arrive there, saying, "I'm here for a week." Two days later, I might want to get the heck out of there. Or we might be having a grand time. I've had it go both ways. This sister is a widow and has strongly encouraged me to come live with her. My other sister is a planner. The two of them are not real likely to do a lot of "joint planning." One likes to always keep her options open. So I'm keeping my options flexible.

If worse comes to worse, I'll just announce that I want to do some sight-seeing. Then I'll rent a car and take off on my own to wherever. My sisters discourage me from renting a car because I used to not be a good driver. They say I won't be able to cope with the heavy traffic there. Well, I've not had an accident in over 22 years. I've driven all over their part of the country in the past. I shouldn't need a car. But, if push comes to shove, I'm not one to let myself be trapped anywhere. They know that about me.

I didn't plan for my brother to die. I've worked hard making all arrangements and coordinating with both of them. I've already spent a lot of money, and I'm not well off. My brother left nothing behind. One of my sisters will probably offer to chip in on what I've spent on the mortuary services. The other one probably won't. I won't fret over that. At least she can pick me up at the airport and be hospitable, which I believe she wants to be.

I'm not one to spend two seconds longer hanging around anyone who seems like they're not overjoyed to have me there. If push comes to shove, I can get a car and I can get a hotel room. Plus I have a cousin in that area who has been strongly urging me to come stay with her anytime. She happens to live next to one of the airports. She doesn't know I'm coming out because my sisters don't really want to include extended family in what were doing for my brother. His demise was a very sad story (due to a drug overdose) and all the relatives who would care about him are dead themselves. But I've gotten pretty close with this cousin. If I contacted her out of the blue, I believe she'ld like us to get together.

Even if I was to buy a return ticket tomorrow - which I might well do - I don't think I'ld tell anyone. Not until I see how things are when I get there.

I used to believe in being totally transparent with family about any plans I was making . . . and give loads of advance notice . . . and see what their preferences would be. And I've done all that this time, except for booking that return ticket. Experience with family has made me wary. I've gotten sucker punched a few times. Someone may make a passive-aggressive move to throw a little monkey wrench into what seemed like a good plan. It's happened before. So I figure I'll keep my options open and see how things go. These people, themselves, don't always know from one day to the next what the heck they want to do. In the past, plans were made with me and, then, unceremoniously changed or canceled for no good reason.

Is this how a normal family does things? Probably not. We're not "The Waltons." I used to fantasize about being in a family like that. We don't get to select our relatives. A friend of my brother's told me that my brother-in-law practically hung up on the cop who called to report my brother's death. I don't think he wanted my sister to even know about it. My sister's family decided long ago that she should have nothing to do with my brother. (And not spend any money on his behalf.) So already I sense an undercurrent of some sour feelings. It sounds like my brother-in-law is not going to the cemetery. (I don't care what he does. This is an occasion where people should want to be gracious, but I wouldn't count on it.)

I'll be glad when this is over, and I get back home.