Getting married, crazy mother in law! help

(warning this is long. So please read all of it before commenting. Because I've had it where people only read half and make a comment and they have made wrong assumptions. I would appreciate anyone reading this long message. And I thank you in advance before reading this.)

My fiancee and I are planning to get married but we have a issue his mum.

Basiclly my mother furture in law isnt nice and most liekly have sort of personatily disoder either traits of narciccsim or maybe pstd.

Anway, About 17 years ago to be exact, I was verbally attacked by my fiancee. This all starred when my fiancee and I cae back from study and webt to his parenrs house. His father wasnt there he was iversead working. So it was my fiancee, his brother and his mum. We were planning to go to a movie all together. His mum came home after we did, and she was in a very angry mood. I felt uncomfortabke and even thought maybe I should go home. My fiancee who was my boyfriend at the time, told she was upset because she hated her hait cut she had. His mother was huffing and puffing and fliping wether to go to to the movies or not. My boyfriend thought he would get some DVDs from the living room and we watch some movies in his bedroom. When he went out to get the dvds, his mum was in the living room folding tea towels. I could hear what was said, because my boyfriend's wall was litterally next to. living room and the walls are paper thin. His mum question why I didn't come and say hi. He told her becausr you are in a bad mood. I heard her saying in a annoyed/angry voice "I wont bite her head off". I recalled we decided to go downstairs to his brother's bedroom to get away from his mum's bad vibes. I remember my boyfriend punch the wall out of frustration. We then heard her coming down stairs and thought to get away. When she walked passed me she said in a harsh way "Good afternoon (my name)" I felt so scared unable to say anything. I just didnt say anything. His mum then turn around and said to me "I won't bite you but I will chew on you" . I saw angry in her eyes and didnt saw she was joking. I turn to my boyfriend and he looked shocked. She then said threatening "You cant hide from him". I then just reacted and ran outside and began to cry. My boyfriend came out to try and calm me down. His mum try to psychically pulled me away by my shoulders from my fiancee when I was hugging him because I was upset. I panicked and told her to leave me alone as I cried. She told my boyfriend "You will regret this" . My boyfriend spoke up and rasied his voice and said "This is ENOUGH" she took off with her car.
I rang for my mum to pick me up because I was so upset and terrified!. Unfortunately his mother came back before my mum did. I was sitting with my bouftiend's brother and he comfort me by patting me on the back. His mum came in and gave me no eye contact, she fiddle with some items on her son's shelf and said "She was joking. I didnt believe one bit she was joking. Thank goodness my mum came over. My boyfriend's mum insisted that my mum speak to her, my mum didn't want to but was pushed. When we left I asked my mum what did she say to you? my mum said oh she said it was "handle" professional, I don't believe her.
I mention to my mum that my fiancee's dad side of his family called her a fish wife once.
So I assume there was issues with his mother even among the family.

This was all because I didn't say hi to her. My reason was because when she came back from her haircut, she was in a angry mood. So much so I felt uncomfortable and almost afarid that I just stay put in my fiancee's bedroom.

My fiancee begged me afterwards to send a email and say sorry because she was driving him and his brother up the wall. So I did for him. I wasn't happy about it. He told me that his mum question my email and asked if they told me to say sorry, they lied and said no. So she apologise back in a email.

HOWEVER!

After that I have been terrified of her.
My brain tells my body I'm not safe and I go flight,fight,freeze mode. I always end up with sore tummies and bad toilet trips! and flash backs how she treated me if I have to see her.

Other things my fiancee mother has done. Is whenever she came overseas for a hoilday because at the time my fiancee was looking after the house, while his parents and brother were overseas. She would be very demanding over my fiancee even if we out she would ask how to put a DVD on. Okay she is a boomer so she wasn't that old to not know how use to DVD player.
Or my fiancee had to drop everything and go to his mum to do chores. If I went to visit at her place, she would make my fiancee do chores around the house when I was there. It felt like it was done on purpose. One time I saw him on his hands and knees using a brush to get rid of dog fur off the carpet while his mum and brother told me how to do it.

This woman would always made horrible comments about my hair for no reason! saying my hair looked like a gay Polynesian man to your hair looks too short I like it long, to your hair looks like straw. And I didn't do anything to motivate her to be mean to me.
I one time show her this character soft toy that my boyfriend got me. She then turn to her son and said "Why don't you get me stuff like that". and then became obsessed with this character like. Examples having the character on her laptop wall paper.
She once asked my boyfriend when I was staying the night and I overheard this "when is she going home".

She try to break us up more than once. Luckily she always had to leave and go back overseas.

It all came to a head back at 2020 during lockdown. I stayed there because at the time while I was living at home with my mum. My sister had a crazy, toxic boyfriend who took drugs and was very unpredictable behaviour, I didn't felt safe. When I stayed there it was okay at the beginning but slowly over time this she demanded and demanded! from not allowing us to have our bedroom door close to knocking on the door constantly to ask stupid questions example would be - is this much flour in this measuring cup. She also try to break into a neighbour house because she thought they weren't following the lockdown rules. We saw her once walking around in circles outside which was werid.

The BIG event happen at lockdown.
One day early morning I remember this vidily. Myself, fiancee and his aunt were in the kitchen talking. When his aunt left and went back to her bedroom, his mother came storming in and slap a piece of paper of a shopping list on the kitchen bench saying "DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO DO MATHS! 2X4! WHY DID YOU ONLY GOT ONE PACK OF KOMBUSHA CANS not 4!"
My fiancee was shocked and was frozen he had his head down in shame.
His mum decided to slap him over the head with both hands, I told her stop but she looked at me paused! and keep going. I had to go up to her and used my fingers and slightly pushed her on her front shoulder and said "stop". She then reacted and pulled her fist to my face.
I left and went to my bedroom.

Afterwards we were planning to leave but she spoke to me and told me how it was my fault "apparently" I cause her to have sore tummies me being here and that I needed help????

Engagement PARTY.
A year ago we had our engagement party. And my fiancee's father was very kind to pay for it. My fiancee didnt told his mum because well you can see why, she can be very controlling.
When he gave her invitation, I didnt go because I was afraid of her reaction would go horrible. She seemed a bit upset about it and asked who wad paying and he said dad is wall and was upset by it.
My fiancee told me how when he visited his family one night, his aunt asked how I was and the engagement party. My fiancee told her she is excited and getting a hair cut, his mum said "why? its just a party".
Then they asked are we dressing smart or casual my fiancee said "casual" and his mum said "Oh yesh I will dress very casual". Hearing this upsetting me for sure.
I was very anxious what will the mother in law do next!

WELL
She gave me money to buy myself a dress but then she got us a cake. We didnt ask for the cake by the way. It was a kind gesture but there is always something attached to it.
With the cake at the party she kept asking my fiancee when are we going to cut it and got salty when he told his mum later. She also keep complaining to my fiancee how her hip was "sore". My mother told me how she didnt approach her or my family so my mum approached them. When she came to say hi to me I notice she dressed super casual more so than usually. I felt it was done by purpose. She said to me as she gave me a awarked side hug "Oh I prefer it when your hair was rer". I dye it brown to suit my dress.
When we did cut the cake and we kissed, I notice she ran outside stood half way still, then wall back inside.
It was really werid at the least and hurtful.
My fiancee's mother gave us a card and it wrote this
Dearest (my name and my fiancee name.)

You two have your Own reasons to celebrate your anniversary.
We celebrate you both as family. OUR Family is so much more fun with you both in it.
Happy Anniversary
Love you both
xx (mother in law name)

This upset ed me because it was our engagement party not anniversary and she made it about her and the family.
She is very obsessed about family like to the point she was planning to design a house where everyone lives in it as its the shape of the first letter of their family surname.

Afterwards we had to go to my fiancee's parents house since his brother got us a present which was nice of him, however the mother in law acted all happy and didnt act she had a "sore" hip and suddenly could stand abd make her soaps!

My fiancee and I have moved out of home and live in our own rented small flat we live in now.
He has made a point not to go over there and see his mum all the time due to enmeshment issues in his family dynamic.
He did saw a councilor last year and he was suppose to continue with him however! he councilor never got back to him. He is now currently trying to find someone that is cost friendly. I myself see a therapist anyway with my own mental issues been dealing anyways.

We did had a issue rescently where we looked at wedding venues and it was only afterwards I had a melt down about his mum coming and all these what if scenarios that could happen.
And just the emotion of fear of her being there! is terrifying. This melt down has gone for days off and on. Us arguing, me crying and then we make up and then again.

To give you example
WAI go obsessive to try and solve the problem. Probably my OCD I guess. Anyways, my partner asked me what I was doing, I said to him oh I'm trying to find something on your mum may have post online saying I hate my son's girlfriend and then I can show you she does hate me. I then asked him do you think your mum hates me? he said no...and I asked even when she put the fist to my face? and he said I instigated it. I was shocked and confsued by his comment. I said to him I was trying to protect you. He said I know I appreciate that but the big picture. I got upset and went for a shower to cry. I then notice him was in the garage. I thought he meant it was my fault why Anita put her fist to my face. I'm pretty sure anyoaqne would assume that if they were told "well you instigated it".
I looked back and remember I told her first to stop but she didn't so I got my two fingers and slightly push her on the front of her shoulder and said stop. That's where she pull her fist and made this werid cat sound at me.
I thought I don't want to be with Adrian, he is defending her behaviour and saying it's my fault. Like many times in the past being with him, where I was upset what she said to me. It was my fault being upset what she said to me.
I was going to leave and go to your house, but I thought to stay since I was thinking about how Yvonne said once how I maybe playing Adrian's childhood dynamic, where his mum use to leave when he was little. So I thought I would go back in and talk to him. So we did.

He explain to me how the fist to my face is small compare to his mum slapping against his head and how he couldn't stand up for himself or me.
I thought it was a bit dismissive him saying that about my experience being small.
He then told me how he sees it as a big picture then small details in a painting. Like how his mum first instigated! of the first bait. Questioning him how to do his maths and why didn't he got 12 packs. So 12 boxes of Kombusha cans.
He said I then approach it gentle to say stop it, but then I pushed Anita buttons by using my fingers and pressed it against her shoulders to tell her to stop. Then she pull her fist at my face. He told me he didn't instigated anything and that he couldn't stand up for himself or me. I asked him did he felt ashamed he couldn't? he said yes. He said it's my fault. If I was able to stand up for myself she wouldn't slap me over the head repeatedly or put fist to your face. I told him it's not his fault and that he didn't know what he knows now. I said that he probably froze because that's what he probably did as a kid in order to cope.

He told me further how he blamed himself it wa aws his fault, whenever his mum left. And how he would try to unpack her bags and yet she would still walk out the door. I told him it wasn't his fault, he said he knows that now. I said to him a lot of kids blame themsleves than the parent, because for a kid to blame a parent is scary because it means there parents are incompetent to look after them.

So you can see why we are questioning do we even invited our parents? both fathers are chilled and fine but the mothers! aren't.

This has been triggered due to us looking at wedding venues. After looking at them I had melt down of anxiety and alot of what I'd scenarios. This went off and on for 4 days!
. It all started because I got obsessive over his mum or if I have a issue with someone I go obsessive to try and solve the problem. Probably my OCD Im not sure. Anyways, my partner asked me what I was doing, I said to him oh I'm trying to find something on your mum maybe she have posted online saying I hate my son's girlfriend and then I can show you she does hate me. I then asked him do you think she hates me? he said no...and I asked even when she put the fist to my face? and he said I "instigated it". I was shocked and confsued by his comment. I said to him I was trying to protect you. He said I know I appreciate that but the big picture. I got upset and went for a shower to cry. I then notice my fiancee was in the garage. I thought he meant it was my fault why his mum put her fist to my face. I'm pretty sure anyone would assume that if they were told "well you instigated it".
I looked back and remember I told her first to stop but she didn't so I got my two fingers and slightly push her on the front of her shoulder and said stop. That's where she pull her fist and made this werid cat sound at me.
I thought I don't want to be with my fiancee , he is defending her behaviour and saying it's my fault. Like many times in the past being with him, where I was upset what she said to me. It was my fault being upset what she said to me.
I was going to leave and go to my mum's house, but I thought to stay since I was thinking about how my therapist said once how I maybe playing my fiancee's childhood dynamic, where his mum use to leave when he was little. So I thought I would go back in and talk to him. So we did.

He explain to me how the fist to my face is small compare to his mum slapping against his head and how he couldn't stand up for himself or me.
I thought it was a bit dismissive him saying that about my experience being small.
He then told me how he sees it as a big picture then small details in a painting. Like how his mum first instigated! and questioning him how to do his maths and why didn't he got 12 packs. So 12 boxes of Kombusha cans.
He said I then approach it gentle to say stop it, but then I pushed his mum's buttons by using my fingers and pressed it against her shoulders to tell her to stop. Then she pull her fist at my face. He told me he didn't instigated anything and that he couldn't stand up for himself or me. I asked him did he felt ashamed he couldn't? he said yes. He said it's my fault. If I was able to stand up for myself she wouldn't slap me over the head repeatedly or put fist to your face. I told him it's not his fault and that he didn't know what he knows now. I said that he probably froze because that's what he probably did as a kid in order to cope.

He told me further how he blamed himself it was his fault, whenever his mum left. And how he would try to unpack her bags and yet she would still walk out the door. I told him it wasn't his fault, he said he knows that now. I said to him a lot of kids blame themsleves than the parent, because for a kid to blame a parent is scary because it means there parents are incompetent to look after them.

I still feel hurt and upset by my fiancee even though we spoke it again today. He said to me he can understand from my experience why I think she dislikes me. He told me I'm seeing it black and white not grey. And how he sees things grey. And he sees his mum traumatised and how she tries to hid it but she cant..And how she was once a nice mum but not anymore.
I feel a bit confsued and I don't know if I've been gaslighted by him?

Seeking advice! and thank you for reading my long message it is appreciate it.

Hello! I read all the way through your post. I am going to be very straight forward and honest. Until your fiancee stops defending his mother, you are always going to be at fault. And yes, that is gaslighting. Your fiancee is not strong enough to stand up to her, to defend you, or to create strong boundaries with this most toxic relationship with his mother. If you choose to still marry him, this will always be a problem between you and you will always be at fault. Is that how you want to be treated in a marriage? In my opinion, your fiance is almost as bad as his mother. He should be defending you and protecting you and he isn't. If it were me, I would question whether I should marry this man or not. I would not want to marry him unless he can defend you, stand up to his mom, and separate himself and your lives from hers. She is very toxic and she is going to cause a lot of problems for you and for him. And he doesn't seem strong enough of a man to defend you. That is a big red flag in my honest opinion.

I think you need to stop living in the past.

For various reasons, it sounds like you were always underfoot at her house. Picture yourself in her shoes. My mother would certainly not have tolerated my brother's girlfriends hanging aroubd all the time. This was OUR house.

You two have your own place now. Start building your own life together. It should not be centered around his mother! "Your OCD" is not a good reason to be spending time online searching for stuff that doesnt exist. Spend it trying to better yourself.

I don't see any instance where your fiancee "verbally attacked" you. What you are reporting is not accurate.

You are not seeing it but your behavior is aggravating a lot of this - e.g.
(1) You are at *her* house but do not greet her when she comes in. Instead, you went to hide.

(2) You physically pushed her when your partner is a big boy and can defend himself IF he chooses to. This was not your place to lay your hands on her.

(3) You keep searching for posts online to 'prove' to your partner that she hates you.

Etc.

How would you feel if these behaviors were reversed? What if SHE did not say 'hi' to you when she came to your place and went to hide in another room instead? What if SHE lay hands on you to physically push you, and so on. There needs to be more maturity on your and your partner's side, you aren't little kids anymore. You also need to live your life and stop speculating on what others may or may not do in order to 'prove' how bad they are.

You are in a tough spot. That future mother-in-law is going to be a perpetual source of grief to everyone around her. Your fiancee and his mother are "a package deal" - if you take one, you get both. MIL has had years and years to brainwash and train her son into catering to her evil moods. He's going to always be trying to please her and trying to make you please her. Problem is: she can't be satisfied. So being around her will cause your fiancee and you endless frustration.

This woman sees you as a rival. She resents the affection her son has for you. She figures you're taking her son away from her. A person like that is a trouble maker . . . and she's unlikely to ever change. That's why I say that you're in a tough spot.

You have absolutely no obligation to like this woman, but you are obligated to try and be courteous around her. So try to always say, "Hi." - went you enter into her presence, regardless of what mood she's in. Then, at least, you've done the correct thing. How she responds is on her. It's not your responsibility to make this lady happy, which is most likely impossible.

Don't get between mother and son. That's a no-win situation. Your fiancee is a grown man. He can physically handle his mother. It's not your place to try and stop her from hitting him. You do have a right to walk out of a room where that kind of nonsense is going on, which I recommend you do. You can even walk out of the house. This woman likes an audience. Don't be in the audience.

You need to make an intense study of how to set and maintain boundaries. I highly recommend you find a therapist to help you with that, or at least start reading and watching videos on that subject.

Do not stay around this woman, if she starts to physically assault you. Leave! Walk away. Tell your fiancee that you will not remain in that woman's presence when she becomes physically threatening. That's your right and your responsibility. If he argues with you, say that this is not negotiable. I'm holding out the hope that your fiancee will learn from your good example.

Hi. Thank you for reading my whole message, it was long and I do appreciate you taking your time to read it.
Regarding to your message I did felt misunderstood and sense of shame when reading it. The reason be and I will just put it in numbers as you did in your previous message so it's easy to read. 1) I don't know if you skip read. Though I did explain in my message the reason why I didn't say hi. I said how I felt uncomfortable and scared. And when she did say hi to me I was frozen in fear.
If I go in more detailed as to why I reacted that way. She was in a very bad mood! coming in. My pervious experiences with angry mum's is my mum. I'm taking about throwing a computer chair from upstairs to downstairs. If you approach her she would yell at you. So at that time I was reacting how I was taught and learn when someone is angry, give them space, don't talk to them and avoid. Because they will yell at you. At the time I didn't know I was reacting that way, only looking back I know. I hope that makes more sense.

2) So I told her first verbal to stop hitting him.
She stopped and looked at me and then continue to hit him. He was frozen like a ice cube! with his head down. So I got my index finger and middle finger to be exact, and slightly push her by pressing against front of her shoulder to stop. So it wasn't a big push if that was your imagining.
I couldn't leave my fiancee alone and be hit like that. That means I don't love him.

Would you leave someone to be hit and just walk away and be like "oh well".

3) Yeah I don't understand the last comment for number 3. Is that just a statement?

there seems to be a lack of understand and lack of empathy in your messages in how you communicate.

Thank you for reading my message, I really appreciate your time to reading it thank you

Yeah I do agree the MIL is a perpetual of everyone grief. Her husband avoids her I think. He now mainly lives overseas and only comes at Christmas for 3 weeks.
I been there where she would pick on her husband and he be just chilling on the sofa and she would say "Get Up Fat Buddha can't go and hang those tea towels". My fiancee brother told me how once when he was a little boy he didn't want to eat his vegtables like any kid would do. So then his mum got a container of ice cream and force him to eat it all, because he didn't want to eat his vegtables.
My fiancee, told me when he was age 7 he held a knife to his stomach because his mum upsetted him and had many sudcial attempts. His last one well it was more a thought he had, was when I was with him because his mum upsetted him. When her brother's wife was staying during lockdown she would make fun of her how she vaccumed. And then would listen to what she was saying on the phone by putting her ear against the door. At the end the her brother's wife and her has a huge fight and she left and rented somewhere until her husband came overseas after lockdown.
So yeah I agree she is a grief to everyone.
It is very sad cause clearly she needs therapy.

Yeah she did say once to me how she doesnt want her boys to date anyone so she doesnt have to worry, and they can look after her. What is even more bizarre his brother said "Dont worry mum, I will always be your first girlfriend".

I'm stuck in this part. When you tell me not to get involved with his mum and him. Do you mean I should've jist left him to be hit by his mum?

I am currently seeing a therapist, but I dont know if she is skilled in family dynamics like this or be able to help.

Your MIL lives to stir up drama and suck everyone into it. I think you understood my recommendation and don't really need me to clarify it.

If your fiancee is being hit by his mum and you want to get involved to try and stop that, you can do whatever you think best. I've given you my suggestion, but you don't have to agree.

Unless your boyfriend is crippled, he is capable of stopping his mother from hitting him. Whether or not he is going to tolerate being hit is something for him to decide. Each person sets and defends his or her own boundaries. Your job is to set a boundary for you. I would recommend that you do not tolerate this woman putting her hands on you. If you figure out how to do that, you will be setting a good example that your boyfriend might learn from.

How she acts in her own house is pretty much up to her. When you are in someone else's house and they start behaving badly, the smart thing to do is to leave. If I were you, I wouldn't go putting my hand or even my fingertips on her. That just feeds into her plan to create craziness. That's letting her manipulate you.

You tell your boyfriend, "I think we need to leave." Then you walk out the door." Hopefully, he will follow you. You have to stick to your guns and refuse to be around this woman when she gets this far out of line. Be consistent, and eventually your boyfriend may get a clue that he doesn't have to just take abuse.

The problem is not that this woman hits people. The problem is that people tolerate being hit by her. That's their decision. It doesn't have to be yours.