Need help dealing boyfriend possibly trauma bonded w/ ex

Hello. This is my first post. I'm taking time out for myself to try to get my head clear. Communication with my boyfriend of 4 months is going nowhere. Don't even know if this is the right forum, but here goes.
So, the very first time I came to visit my still new boyfriend back in January of this year, he received visits from 2 (TWO) of his exes that also live on this tiny island in Maine with him. One of them left a painting wrapped up and leaned against the door when we got there. The other one tho, this one is the problem. She came over that night while we were cuddling on the couch, knocked on the door. When he answered and nervously engaged with her, who asked if someone was there with him, and demanded to be introduced. After way too long listening to her talk about absolute nonsense, she leaves, and a few minutes later comes back, opening the door herself, and telling him one more thing. She very agitated told us to 'keep it up, guys'
I am a deer in the headlights, unable to comprehend what just happened, and immediately feel unsafe, and that our peace was rudely disrupted. I figured she was a neighbor who needed help with something, it was so inappropriate. But THEN he proceeds to inform me that she is an ex girlfriend and they have 'a lot of history' and that she doesn't understand boundaries. Needless to say, he minimized the incident, and then I had to leave to catch the ferry home. The fun and joy of this new love was torn from me, my heart beating out of my chest.
Fast forward to this past week, after being encouraged to just ignore her many times, her rage, her following us home, her accidental meetings with him 3 or 4 times a week, and her parking her car across the dirt road from his home day after day, with him doing nothing. Even being kind while he dealt with her.
Im at the end of my rope because he will not acknowledge how unfair this is all to me, he will not reassure me, or even apologize for her. I told him that I am not mature enough to deal with this the way he has asked me to, and has said SHE is not the issue here, the issue here is basically that I have a problem with it.
I have learned that she has borderline personality, and has many problems with many folks on the island, biting the hands who try to help. I'm feeling Twighlight Zone why everyone is afraid of ruffling her feathers, and bow down to this disaster princess wreaking havoc everywhere she goes. How can I deal with this stalker without feeling my relationship is threatened, unable to communicate my concerns with my boyfriend, and believing he is trauma bonded with her? Please help

Welcome to MSF.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Read your post back and I think you will find your answer: "he will not acknowledge how unfair this is all to me, he will not reassure me, or even apologize..." <THIS

He's not a good boyfriend, even if she weren't in the picture. You've only invested 4 months (thank goodness!). So get out now and don't lose anymore time with this guy.

Also, check out Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim blog/podcast. It's very good.

Two things:

1. You are not the one who is not ''mature enough'' to deal with this, HE is. He is not enforcing boundaries but instead, is enabling her and putting her before his supposed girlfriend.

2. The issue also isn't that YOU have a problem with it but that HE doesn't and, again, prioritizes her over you.

He is not ready to be in a relationship with you, that much is clear. Why be in a relationship where you are not supported and prioritized?

He doesn't have boundaries either, and is not showing respect for his new relationship. If he respected your relationship, he would cut her loose and create strong boundaries. But he is allowing her stalker and intrusive behavior and then turns on you to say it's your problem. I would dump this guy. He has a boundary problem and is disrespecting you. I voted keep your sanity.

I’m a former small town person

Sometimes small town people are SO conditioned to get along and not ruffle feathers or create a scene that they will allow their boundaries to be trodden over

I’m a proponent of working on and investing in a relationship if you see something good in the person

If you are ready to state these things you reasonably expect and need from a partner to your new BF, with a clear deadline for when you need to see the change, then have the talk and try to keep the relationship

If this is something more casual for you, decide how much drama you want in your life and decide if the relationship is worth it

RDMercer

@Lightening44 I am like the individual who answered you before me. I am in that small-town mentality around here. He should deal with this; the woman is exhibiting stalker-like behavior. There is only interaction between them because he takes part in it. He is 50% of the solution to that equation. That is one of the few things I was lucky at. Recently, I have had a good partner. I

would tell this man, you have a problem. Following you around makes me feel unsafe, and it must stop. If you have plans to stay with him, hopefully, he will respond. We may not like it, but sometimes you must do some feather-ruffling. I don't mean a physical confrontation or anything, but this boundary must be set with him. He brought it to your door. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this individual.

Since he seems to have neither the ability nor the intention to get her to change her behavior, I would move on.

I don't think this guy can do right by a relationship with you or with anyone else, until he more fully disengages from this past relationship. You're probably not going to get him to see that right now. So you have to enforce some boundary for yourself. That could mean telling him, "I won't be able to stay visiting you, if our being together gets interrupted by this gal appearing at the door to get some of your attention." Then you'll have to follow through by actually getting up and leaving, if he ends up at the doorway yakking with this attention-hound. That's what she sounds like to me. I suspect she is not willing to fully let go of what she once had with this man. It's no coincidence that she keeps appearing when you are with him. She is there to deliberately intrude on your time with him . . . IMHO. Tell him you do not want to have any conversations with this person. No reason why you should. Tell him to please not open the door to her, while you are there. She should not be just showing up. If she needs to see him, she should text him. Then he can tell her when it is convenient for him to see her. That should not be a frequent occurrence.

If she has no concept of "boundaries," then it's high time people started teaching her by setting and enforcing some. It doesn't have to be done in a mean, angry way . . . but it should be done. You can't mandate what boundaries your boyfriend should have. He's in charge of that. But you have the right to say what you are not okay about. Tell him that you want zero contact with his ex-girlfriends. If he has to arrange that, while you are there, it may inspire him to do more to cut her off, even when you're not there. An island can be a small world, but I'm sure not everyone on that island runs in to everyone else, as often as she manages to run in to him. She probably uses her personality disorder as an excuse for behaving like she doesn't understand normal social boundaries. Too bad. Time for her to knock it off.

Your reaction is not immature. I will say that he can't really apologize for her. But, he also can't have his cake and eat it too. Tell him that. Say, "I don't date guys who are still semi-involved with girlfriends from the past." That's a decision you can make for you. You may risk losing him, but, if you take that risk, he'll either drop you or show more respect for you and your legitimate objections. If you won't take that risk, get ready for more disrespect. We teach people how to treat us.