How to not unintentionally (maybe??) ghost people?

I had/have a belief about my partner that may or may not be a paranoid belief. I don't want to straight up call it a delusion though, but I bet others might not believe me, call it that, and say I'm crazy. Anyway, did not talk to them for about two weeks or so. They were seriously wrecking my mental health, not just from what I thought about them, but also, if we want to get into attachment theory, I've got that fearful-avoidant style which, personally, I do not recommend, especially when it's combined with BPD (kinda similar, but not completely correlated). I could go on about how that affected things, but I don't feel like writing a book here. I did respond to a text they sent this morning, and we're working on making plans this week. I want to follow through just to not feel like I push EVERYBODY away ALL the time, but it's becoming so hard to talk to them and make myself want to see them. It's not like I'm actively in the devaluation part, I just feel detached.

Also, I was supposed to go on a mini road trip with a close friend recently, but last minute she bailed. I still went, but I brewed in feeling rejected, and of course didn't talk to her for days until she called me asking if I was okay, if I hated her, she misses me, etc. I talked to her today, too, and I'm going to make a half-assed attempt at getting to her place tomorrow so she doesn't totally feel the disappointment I felt.

It just feels like I want to be alone until I don't and meet someone that I pretty quickly don't want to associate with. Can anyone say commitment issues? haha

But seriously, I do not talk to anyone I've talked to that I've known December last year and before (other than getting random drunk messages from a girl I met in rehab in summer, but that was like an hour and then we didn't talk again).

I feel like I'm hurting people but I just do not how to get myself to sustain contact with someone long term.

You might not be in a place of maintaining contacts with people. And none of these people sound like much of a commitment material, so I am not sure if it’s a commitment issue.

I think the biggest commitment would be commitment to stay sober and get help rather than commiting to communicating to random people.

Since you are homeless, jobless, in active alcohol and drug consumption and without proper treatment, I’d not worry about all these people. Focusing on your own health might be the best way to spend your time and energy .

I don't like sobriety. I'm not sober right now, and it is wayyy better than before. I seriously do not know how to have a will to live when I'm straight. I meant to go to the ticket to work voc rehab zoom thing, but I missed it. Next is on the 11th. I think my zoom name is still "Flume God." Even if I get a job, I'll be homeless unless I get a roommate (ayyy, another person we can stress each other out) or get like a $23/hr ft job and a really shytty apartment.

The world is being a slave. A slave to a job, a landlord, chemicals/other addiction, a partner, the government, any authority really, God, whatever dysfunction goefs on in your head, the list goes on... right now I feel free. I'm not, but at least there's an illusion that I'm not stuck in a cage catering to others' wants and needs.

I guess I will stop talking to people though.

Do I straight up tell everybody I talked to twice or more in the past couple months that reaches out that I hate them or just ignore them? Is there some other ideal option I've never resorted to in the past?

eta: do not want to straight up ghost anybody anymore because I know how painful that can be. I also feel like it'd suck to plan to meet up with someone and take a significant amount of their day just to show up, explain I don't maintain relationships at all ,and leave. A call would be better in that aspect, but in both cases I probably couldn't hold my tongue and not say some serious shyt. Texting would kinda suck too because it's so impersonal, but with my partner that's generally our go-to because they're so "busy" (having sex with other people) and can't always answer right away, especially if they're in a basement with no signal. It'd also be easier to restrain myself and take a few seconds and not respond with such contempt or, even worth (imo), indifference towards them.

They keep sending me memes and videos on facebook. Plans to meet Thursday morning. They wanted to meet up this am, but I made up some BS excuse so I could be drunk, pissed, and alone.

When i was fired the last time and pretty much had a breakdown from it and my family's treatment of me, i told my t i was "smalling my life."

Aside from avoiding extended family stuff where just really weird and painful stuff would happen - like a cousin saying evolution was "just a theory and a theory means it isnt true" - i just stopped. Contact felt like it physically hurt. Eventually even seeing my t hurt. I felt like, if i started screaming, i would never stop. At least i dont feel like that anymore, so the smalling worked.

I have no patience for people sending me memes, articles , quotes , links and videos. Huge pet peeve. I don’t respond to those.

When you mean "smalling your life" do you mean entirely cutting off contact with everyone or everyone you don't want to be around or something else? (I mean right now they're the same group for me)

Yes. But i also stopped doing things where people - strangers or otherwise - would accost me, demand things of me.

Could you say to them that you’re having a tough time at the moment and you’re taking time to yourself for a while? Not straight up rejection or ghosting but leaving the door open.

I tried explaining that to them. It devolved into me accusing them of being a psychopath and when giving my reasons I'm pretty sure I made them think I'm one. We're having a threesome tomorrow.

eta: had like three shots in the past half hours and didn't stop sending them crap saying they don't care and just want to hurt me while deluding themself into believing they are helping to feed their ego and brag to other people, and they haven't responded so... either it's obvious I drank a lot (they don't know I drink more than I probably should though and spellcheck saved me) or now they won't talk to me again and I can tell myself they never cared and really did abandon me when who tf knows if that's how that would've worked out.