Rose Colored Glasses

So I know that phrase can be used to describe an optimistic view, but I’d like to apply it toward relationships in a concerning way.

I feel like my brain is still stuck repeating romantic and amazing memories from the first couple yrs of our relationship. The difference between then and now feels like a world of hurt(see my new member post) involving my husband’s addiction and his lies. My mood seems to change from loving him to hating him all the time. I don’t want to feel this way, but the more he drinks behind my back, the more I want to hate him. He says that I can trust him with a lot of things still..just not with that one thing. Well, that one thing is destroying how I feel about him. 🙁

I still miss him at work, and want to daydream about romantic scenarios that could still happen..but then I go home and see him and the reality of how I feel(resentment) sets in and I want to hate him. Am I crazy?😛 I’m tired of my brain setting me up for disappointment. Do I just commit to hating him and being cold and distant if he won’t quit with the drinking and lies?

Alcohol addiction destroys relationships. Addicts go through mood swings and they get worse over time. These individuals often develop a problem in late teens and early twenties so they do not develop maturity and tend to struggle with emotional issues and even depressive episodes.

These individuals tend to live in denial and can exhibit different narcissistic behavior patterns. They can black out and even turn mean and angry. Sex is not loving and intimate but more of a selfish self gratifying act often part of the drinking or other drug use.

It’s not wrong to have your dream of having something healthier. Individuals that develop alcoholism don’t hold down jobs or relationships for very long. Often these things only last for 6 months to a year.

That is no way to live and can do a lot of emotional damage.

Those arent rose covered glasses. They sound more like blinders. You say HE is about to lose everything. What about you, where is the concern for you? You will not get it from him. Who else can help you? You should contact your ex asap so your child does not suffer (loss of insurance). You need to wake up and take action. Help is available, you just have to ask for it.

Thanks @Open Eyes and @unaluna. I think he’s used alcohol as a way to cope with depression and anxiety. He isn’t ever mean or outright abusive. Our sex life used to be great. It wasn’t until the plans to have a baby that there were major problems and he tried to hide drinking from me. So I went from drinking with him to quitting(while trying to conceive)to feeling cheated on and betrayed by his drinking. I guess I was a fool and should’ve known.

Don’t beat yourself up for what you didn’t know. Alcohol use only makes anxiety and depression worse. When a person experiences fear and insecurity they look to escape and this is when a person can begin to abuse alcohol and drugs.

I’ve met people in their 50’s that have addiction problems and their maturity is that of a teen or 20 year old. That is why their behavior patterns tend to be narcissistic. The person tends to just want to “party” and not be an adult. These individuals tend to live in denial and don’t want to admit they have a problem. They engage in gaslighting and manipulation and denial because they want to continue to engage in this “partying” lifestyle. YET, they slowly become addicted to where they need alcohol/drugs in their system to feel normal. This is when they get moody and begin to change often becoming more depressed and anxious. They often begin to put themselves in the victim role. Again very much within what is described as narcissistic behavior patterns. They don’t really grow but instead stay fixed and stuck and often fall behind. They look for codependents to give in and baby them and sooth their ego.

But THAT is not love. If you have a child it’s important you maintain your own sobriety and be there for your child. We do NOT get a redo when it comes to children and their development.

Fortunately, addiction often has a genetic component, including alcoholism. The gene responsible for alcoholism has now been mapped in the human body. Individuals with this gene secrete an alcohol dismutase enzyme that rapidly breaks down and metabolizes alcohol.

I am fortunate to have never fallen into alcoholism, but I used to support those who did. While I don't agree with everything in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), they are right about one thing. For those battling alcoholism, they often face one of three outcomes: 1) death, 2) jail, or 3) other types of institutions. Alcoholism is considered a disease and has an almost 100% mortality rate for those who can't overcome it. It is a tragic disease that can tear relationships apart. I witnessed my father get married five times, all to good people, only for alcoholism to destroy those relationships. We always want to see the best in people, but their actions can become intolerable. I'm sorry that this issue has impacted your relationship. Maybe, he will find the help he needs one day.

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful words. It’s tough to know when the bad outweighs the good. I’m working on not being a codependent to him. It’s making him miserable, but in a way it’s been therapeutic and liberating to me.

Its very easy for people to fall in love with the idea of someone. But in truth, human beings are constantly evolving individuals which means they often change. If they are not growing with you, then that picture you cling to is no longer valid. It might also be good to know if the two of you have individual identities away from just yourselves. Usually a healthy couple is one where both parties have individual pursuits but always share the core volume of time to together where it matters most. Do you have things you aspire to do outside of your partner?

We were never that sort of healthy couple. We thought we were for years but in hindsight I believe we were suffocating each other with love and codependency. We definitely have changed in the marriage. Right now I am trying to find peace and heal and decide on what I want to do with my life as an individual. I really hope that he does the same for himself. He’s always at home though, he’s just an introverted homebody of sorts. I can’t exactly force him to have individual pursuits.

Sounds like you nailed the problem. Couples that share codependency usually have a shelf life because one or both get better and thus ends the dependency issues that brought them together. The marriage should never BE your identity. Hard to maintain that level of investment if its driven emotionally. Over time those feelings that you depend on to carry you through daily issues wane and lose their effectiveness and meaning. I wish you the very best in your quest for happiness.