Emotional Detachment

So I decided to emotionally detach from my husband due to his drinking. Yes, we are still living together, but I want to be committed to this detachment. For those who say I should move out - it’s not that simple, due to custody I share of my kid with my ex.

Has anyone attempted anything like this before? I know it’s far from ideal, and painful. My husband’s parents are detaching as well, and I’ll be trying Al Anon with them soon. In just the last day I have listened to podcasts and read a lot of stuff. From recovering, to emotional blackmail, to codependency. And I realize that my relationship wasn’t just affected by alcohol, but that we both are extremely codependent. I’m reading ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie, and I just started but it already sounds like it’s speaking to me.

Here’s my thoughts on detaching:

Don’t talk about our relationship
Don’t talk about drinking
No physical contact
Sleep in separate rooms
Don’t share activities other than eating meals
Be pragmatic
Don’t ask any help

I also need to think of things to do by myself. Going on a walk, reading, and I was even considering going to the movies alone. Any tips/suggestions are appreciated. ♥️

I think you are doing all the right things.

Having been in a similar situation, I wish I had been as proactive as you.

People have different coping strategies and tactics. If something is helping someone I am all for it, whether it is unconventional or conventional.

A book that helped me a lot was "Positive Solitude" by Dr. Rae Andre. I found it very helpful when I felt alone in a relationship and also when I was all alone. There may be better books out there, but this one helped me personally.

I am going through a rough time right now and I was inspired by your post and your determination.

Wish I knew what to say to help you but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you will be able to have peace of mind and joy of living again. By the way, I was hesitant to go to the movies by myself but pushed myself and found that I really enjoyed it. All good things to you!

Emotional detachment makes sense if you are not able to separate.

However, two points to consider:

1. How do you envisage this relationship long-term for you? 5 years down the line? 10 years down the line?

2. What is the impact on your kid? Kids imbibe what happens in their environment and use that as a model of how to 'be' in life - e.g. it is okay to drink too much, it is okay to stay with a partner who drinks, it is okay to stay in an unhappy relationship etc.

I think you are doing all the right things.

Having been in a similar situation, I wish I had been as proactive as you.

People have different coping strategies and tactics. If something is helping someone I am all for it, whether it is unconventional or conventional.

A book that helped me a lot was "Positive Solitude" by Dr. Rae Andre. I found it very helpful when I felt alone in a relationship and also when I was all alone. There may be better books out there, but this one helped me personally.

I am going through a rough time right now and I was inspired by your post and your determination.

Wish I knew what to say to help you but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you will be able to have peace of mind and joy of living again. By the way, I was hesitant to go to the movies by myself but pushed myself and found that I really enjoyed it. All good things to you!

It was a "holding pattern" for me until I could finally get out & move across the country. Y that time I had no family left & our daughter had already moved out of state. My situation wasn't about alcohol but it was about financial issues that I could no longer tolerate. 13 years of living separate in the same house was not easy. When I could finally get out I have never felt so much peace in my whole life & I never thought it would happen during all those years

I say get a job, get your own insurance and move out. Be independent.

@Yaowen thank you for the heartfelt words. I will look into that book. I don’t exactly feel alone, he’s desperate for my affection. But I have to find my inner peace now from the trauma and resentment he caused, so I can’t reciprocate his affection. In a way I want to feel alone actually and get a sense of myself as a person. I’m sorry that you’re going through a rough time right now. I’m always around if you want to talk.

@eskielover That sounds like no way to live. I was married before for 14 yrs and even though we shared a bed, I still didn’t feel like I was in a marriage. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve better, or to be happy. I left that and found happiness with someone else…until the drinking became unmanageable.😕I already feel more peace in the last 3 days with this detachment so we’ll see what happens.

@Nammu I have a stable job and insurance. His insurance is just better, and he makes more $. Not an excuse, just a fact. I’m working now on being more emotionally independent at least.