Emotional Detachment

So I decided to emotionally detach from my husband due to his drinking. Yes, we are still living together, but I want to be committed to this detachment. For those who say I should move out - it’s not that simple, due to custody I share of my kid with my ex.

Has anyone attempted anything like this before? I know it’s far from ideal, and painful. My husband’s parents are detaching as well, and I’ll be trying Al Anon with them soon. In just the last day I have listened to podcasts and read a lot of stuff. From recovering, to emotional blackmail, to codependency. And I realize that my relationship wasn’t just affected by alcohol, but that we both are extremely codependent. I’m reading ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie, and I just started but it already sounds like it’s speaking to me.

Here’s my thoughts on detaching:

Don’t talk about our relationship
Don’t talk about drinking
No physical contact
Sleep in separate rooms
Don’t share activities other than eating meals
Be pragmatic
Don’t ask any help

I also need to think of things to do by myself. Going on a walk, reading, and I was even considering going to the movies alone. Any tips/suggestions are appreciated. ♥️

I think you are doing all the right things.

Having been in a similar situation, I wish I had been as proactive as you.

People have different coping strategies and tactics. If something is helping someone I am all for it, whether it is unconventional or conventional.

A book that helped me a lot was "Positive Solitude" by Dr. Rae Andre. I found it very helpful when I felt alone in a relationship and also when I was all alone. There may be better books out there, but this one helped me personally.

I am going through a rough time right now and I was inspired by your post and your determination.

Wish I knew what to say to help you but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you will be able to have peace of mind and joy of living again. By the way, I was hesitant to go to the movies by myself but pushed myself and found that I really enjoyed it. All good things to you!

Emotional detachment makes sense if you are not able to separate.

However, two points to consider:

1. How do you envisage this relationship long-term for you? 5 years down the line? 10 years down the line?

2. What is the impact on your kid? Kids imbibe what happens in their environment and use that as a model of how to 'be' in life - e.g. it is okay to drink too much, it is okay to stay with a partner who drinks, it is okay to stay in an unhappy relationship etc.

I think you are doing all the right things.

Having been in a similar situation, I wish I had been as proactive as you.

People have different coping strategies and tactics. If something is helping someone I am all for it, whether it is unconventional or conventional.

A book that helped me a lot was "Positive Solitude" by Dr. Rae Andre. I found it very helpful when I felt alone in a relationship and also when I was all alone. There may be better books out there, but this one helped me personally.

I am going through a rough time right now and I was inspired by your post and your determination.

Wish I knew what to say to help you but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you will be able to have peace of mind and joy of living again. By the way, I was hesitant to go to the movies by myself but pushed myself and found that I really enjoyed it. All good things to you!

It was a "holding pattern" for me until I could finally get out & move across the country. Y that time I had no family left & our daughter had already moved out of state. My situation wasn't about alcohol but it was about financial issues that I could no longer tolerate. 13 years of living separate in the same house was not easy. When I could finally get out I have never felt so much peace in my whole life & I never thought it would happen during all those years

I say get a job, get your own insurance and move out. Be independent.

@Yaowen thank you for the heartfelt words. I will look into that book. I don’t exactly feel alone, he’s desperate for my affection. But I have to find my inner peace now from the trauma and resentment he caused, so I can’t reciprocate his affection. In a way I want to feel alone actually and get a sense of myself as a person. I’m sorry that you’re going through a rough time right now. I’m always around if you want to talk.

@eskielover That sounds like no way to live. I was married before for 14 yrs and even though we shared a bed, I still didn’t feel like I was in a marriage. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve better, or to be happy. I left that and found happiness with someone else…until the drinking became unmanageable.😕I already feel more peace in the last 3 days with this detachment so we’ll see what happens.

@Nammu I have a stable job and insurance. His insurance is just better, and he makes more $. Not an excuse, just a fact. I’m working now on being more emotionally independent at least.

I’ll jump in from a guy perspective.

Does he know you’re doing this? What’s his temperament?

If you two are not on the same page about what’s going to happen indefinitely with intimacy, is he ok with that? I just don’t want you to end up in a scary place, especially given his addiction.

Hi Ninetiesgrl13
I hear you. I have read about detachment. It may be easier if you both agree. It is like becoming roommates. If one person does not respect the new arrangement then it could be difficult.

I do not see how this would work without that, but if one person really does detach in their mind it could work if one is in a safe environment and your ex partner is not making your home into a place where they have a relationship with another person.
For that reason I think there need to be other agreements about having visitors or romantic encountners in their room. For a matter of privacy, I would put on a privacy lock to deter entry in your room when you are in there and possibly a lock so that no one can enter when you are not there. A lot depends on your current level of trust in your interactions.

Quote:

I also need to think of things to do by myself. Going on a walk, reading, and I was even considering going to the movies alone. Any tips/suggestions are appreciated.

I think one of the biggest problems is reinventing who you see yourself as. In a way you are planning to end the relationship as it was and there is grief in that. There is also the risk of slipping back into codependence.

Having a therapist could help you stay on track.

Yoga can really help bring comfort and calm the mind. There are also standing and sitting options with other videoes by this group.

Mindfulness can help to not react to the other person. Healthy Minds is a free app by the University of Wisconsin. Palouse Mindfulness is a resource of mindulness info and videos whether you just visit it or sign up for the 8 week course. There are also Zoom group meetings that can help stay connected to the Community there.

Are there any support groups for this type of detachment arrangement? That would be very helpful.

Sorry if I repeated something in this thread.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

Some great responses so far, especially regarding the effect on any children.

Marriage is a legal partnership, meaning that finances and property are commingled, and liability also is shared. Some examples are, if one of you were to cheat on income taxes, both of you would be penalized. Similarly, if your husband were to injure someone or damage property while DUI, any finances or property you share could be awarded to the victims. One exception are your retirement accounts, such as 401(k) & IRA.

A consultation with an attorney might be worthwhile.

Wow, this describes the relationship between my wife and me! Well, except that we share activities more than meals, such as gardening and trips to the doctor.

@PHewson he is fully aware that I’m practicing detachment. He read the same codependency book that I did. His temperament is sad..We used to have great intimacy. Now we have none. I definitely don’t envision him getting scary and desperate about intimacy, he couldn’t hurt a fly. He even asks for hugs.

@CANDC I’ve never practiced detachment before. I don’t expect him to understand but it requires willpower on my part. Sometimes I just want to reach out and show affection. But I don’t want to let myself be emotionally vulnerable again by being intimate. Not unless he clearly puts time and effort into recovery. I fear he’ll relapse and trigger me to hate myself for letting him close to my heart again and make me resent him even more. Also, he has no interest to be with anyone else, and neither do I. I just don’t want to be emotionally and romantically involved with him when he’s using. We are like roommates now. Kinda like my last marriage..which is sad. It’s not like I want this but I can’t let myself stay affected and trapped by his addiction. I don’t know what to do with myself in the long run but I am practicing self care by keeping busy and reading and trying to not let anxiety affect me. And my therapist knows about all this and I’ll update her at our session in a few days. As far as support groups go, I’m not sure what else there is other than Al-Anon, which I’m attending already with his parents.

@SquarePegGuy Other than sharing meals we did go to the movies today with my kid. And we watch stuff on tv together (with a meal). I sense how depressed he is sometimes and I hate to completely shut him out of my life. And the thought of him losing his job or worse getting a DUI is the worst scenario. There is a lot to lose for sure.

It sounds like your standard of living is higher living with him than it would be, if you lived on your own, since he brings in a second income and it's higher than your income. It sounds like he pays his own bills and pays his share of the household bills. Detaching would mean not paying his tab at the liquor store and not cleaning up any financial mess that he creates due to drinking. It doesn't sound like he is sticking you with those kind of debts. Detaching means not enabling, among other things. It also means not trying to reason with someone who is drunk or drugged.

If you avoid talking with him when he is sober, that sounds less like detachment and more like giving someone "the silent treatment." To give someone the "cold shoulder," in the hope that they'll reform to win back affection is really the opposite of detachment. It is an attempt to influence behavior through punishment. I've been there and done that. I understand. One tries everything. So did I.

You want to hug him, but you are withholding hugs, until he complies with your requirements for getting hugs. Sorry, but that is a program of trying to influence and control him. I would endorse not hugging or not talking to anyone while they are inebriated. But to be minimally verbal with someone around the clock, regardless of whether ETOH is on-board, is to be walking around with a perpetual grudge. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding.

Detachment for me didn't start to kick in, until I let go of the idea that my alcoholic owed me something. (I never totally let go of it because I'm human. I was as prone to relapsing into wrong thinking as he was.) I think it's near impossible not to get angry about and with the alcoholic in one's life. "After all, he led me to believe I could count on him, and instead he dashed my dreams. He had no right to do that." Actually, he had the right to make his own choices . . . and so do I . . . and so do you. What we don't have is the right to require someone else to live as we think they should.

@Rose76 Yes, he pays the bills and I am living comfortably at his house that he owned before we got together. He isn’t sticking me with any debts from drinking. I have learned to not engage in conversation when he isn’t sober. It’s painful when that happens so I tend to be silently angry for a while, and get some distance between us for a while. I find myself talking to him when he is sober, which is nice. We have hugged(his hugs are too long but I let him) I just am withholding all other forms of intimacy right now. A part of me wants more but he isn’t getting it right now. It seems like a slippery slope to me.

What if his drinking continues with no change? What do you envision happening in, say, 12 months?

There’s a lot of ‘what if’s’ I could drive myself crazy thinking about. Just last March I was preparing myself to have a baby this fall. I couldn’t have envisioned that I would have a tragic loss and then ultimately give up on TTC because of my husband’s addiction. I’m just taking things one day at a time now and being kind to myself. So honestly, I’m not really thinking a year ahead right now. I’m trying to find my sense of self. And I know that recovery isn’t an overnight thing. It’s a process.

At least I can say that right now he’s talking with a caring person that can hopefully be his sponsor. So that is a big step for him actually, since he doesn’t open up to many people and has social anxiety.

That may be the best approach - to take things one day at a time. It's a popular slogan at AA.

@Ninetiesgrl13

If you are interested here is a support group which I have not experienced but it is about coping with codependent relationships.

Find A Meeting - CoDA.org Codependents Anonymous

CANDC