Awkward Situation

So, sorry if there is a lot of TMI in this post, but Im really at a loss as to how to handle this. I’ve been seeing a guy lately who’s intelligent, funny, sweet, and we share a lot of the same interests. The problem is, I’m not attracted to him. For one thing, he’s shorter than me (and I’m 5’4”, so I’m not tall by any means). He’s bald with extremely hairy armpits, which grosses me out. And he is really small. Like literally, although he’s a great kisser, he had to use his fingers to arouse me during sex because he is so small and he couldn’t keep it in me (again, sorry for the tmi). I don’t know how to let him off easy. I don’t want to be a *****, but I’m just not attracted to him.

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If the goal is romantic relationship, then I’d say attraction is important. You gave it a fair chance. You tried. Attraction is not even anything you can explain, using hands or mouth to arouse someone is perfectly fine and very common and plenty of short guys have great love life plus he can shave his pits lol But attraction is either there or it’s not regardless of appearances. Sure it can grow. And you tried. It doesn’t seem to grow

It’s better to not drag it. Although honesty is important, I don’t know if that’s needed in these circumstances. I’d not tell him you aren’t attracted to him. Not sure what to say. It’s just not working for you and you wish him the best. I assume you didn’t date him that long so you don’t owe a detailed explanation.

Well, i have some experience in this field. When i was in graduate school, the again five years later. I wish the experiences had been switched, because i really admired the wife of the 2nd guy and envied the life they built for themselves. I wish i could have done the same with guy one. But realistically he was probably too good for me. Also dont forget Tina Fey's hubby.

I don't think he was too good for you, as you are not giving yourself enough credit. As for the original post, if you are not attracted to someone, you are not. Regarding the underarm hair, one might drop a subtle clue: Get him some nice Wahl clippers. Since he is bald, it would be obvious. You cannot rewrite his genetic code, and I don't think Wahl has managed that one yet, either. Therefore, you can't fix him being short or the other issue.

Appreciate all the feedback— I have tried to look past the things that don’t appeal to me, since he is a great guy. Also, I will be the first to admit that I’m hardly Heidi Klum or anything lol. But I can’t get past it. I feel badly because usually I’m dumping a guy for being an asshole.

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I think if it bothers you then it is an issue. Lack of attraction wouldn’t be a problem for everyone (separate topic) but it is for you and that’s all that counts. He sounds like he’s a good friend though?

I guess the question I would have is how did you leave it with him after getting intimate didn't go all that well? I'm sure he was aware and felt awkward too. Wouldn't that experience be deemed a rough one for both parties? I ask because you might already have a good jumping off point. He might not feel its going well either so maybe a mutual parting of ways may actually be in play here.

It’s not easy but you should tell him sooner rather than later that you don’t envision a relationship working out. Don’t be like me with my first husband. We were friends in college and I apparently was desperate for affection because I settled for him, got married, had a kid with him, and basically wasted over 14 yrs before getting a divorce. I settled because I wasn’t attracted to him. Being funny and sweet and having my same interests was nice in the beginning, but you can’t ever have a healthy relationship without chemistry. He was a good kisser too but initiating sex and any sort of affection was difficult for me because I didn’t feel compelled to do so. Don’t get stuck in something like I did just because you don’t want to be mean.

Yes he is a good friend— but you’re right, it is an issue for me, for better or worse. I could broach the possibility of us just being friends, but I don’t know how he’d take it.

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If the two of you have been good friends, then I'm assuming that friendship was built on communication and trust. So handing him a well rehearsed line that is cleaned up to spare his dignity will fail massively because he'll see what you're doing. I think if you truly value the friendship then you have to own it with the same honesty that the friendship was built on. But like all things in life, its how you say it that matters as much as what you actually say.

You need to tell him, " Hey I've been thinking about the other night and its really been weighing on me immensely. I feel it was a mistake to move this beyond friendship. I'm more comfortable with us being friends and do not desire the politics of a relationship which will change everything. I value what we have as friends and do not want to ruin that bond. I'm sorry I allowed this to move beyond that because it really wasn't my intention."

Now you might say that statement is candy coating it too. But to me, if you were really falling in love with this guy, the superficial things would get sorted in the process. I think your emotions might have just got the better of you, and in the final analysis its really friendship that defines the two of you. I really don't think the particulars you mentioned are the real players here. You didn't sign up for the Bachelors show expecting a stud. So to take this experience and narrow it down to superficial qualities as the real reasons is selling yourself short on the actual disconnect. His ultimate value to you is as a friend. So approach it from that perspective.

You know, maybe fwb is all I’m good for.

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Once he discovers that you don't want romance with him, he may show little interest in a platonic friendship. Try not to take offense at that. Be willing to let go of him completely.

If you try to continue spending time with him -- but on a no-intimacy basis -- you'll be setting him up for ongoing frustration. Most men aren't interested in a "look, but don't touch" relationship with someone they used to have sex with and still find desirable.

There's been threads started here by women who feel betrayed by a male "friend" who "copped a feel" that was not welcomed. I think they had unrealistic expectations.

(((Indigo))) is it possible this friendship/relationship is triggering self worth issues within yourself? Or is it making you think about what you want from a relationship?

Fwb arrangements are okay as long as that’s what you and the other person want. In fact many long term relationships can be more like friendships, the romance part is often short lived.

But it’s about what you both want.

Well fwb only makes sense if you enjoying the “benefits”. If that part is no good for you (from what you described)then there’s no point in being intimate with the person.

Sometimes people just don’t click on a romantic level, no chemistry so to speak. It doesn’t matter the height or size of his whatever or his hair. You either click or you don’t. If height and size and hair were determining factors for romance, then only gorgeous tall men with huge ….you know what and hair in the right places would have a happy love life. But that’s just not the case.

If you don’t click, then you don’t click. Just not happening.

So, we’ve only been on three dates, the third date was when he came over and we slept together. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been questioning my wants/needs for a relationship. Quite honestly though, I just don’t feel attracted to him. It’s not that the sex was bad per se, but I know what I like and need. And what I need I’m not sure he can give me.

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Just to clarify, folks— when I said maybe fwb is the best fit for me, I wasn’t necessarily talking about with him. I was just thinking generally for the future. Sorry for any confusion, my original statement wasn’t very clear.

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Oh three dates? Well you owe nothing then, you don’t even know .him. Three dates isn’t long enough to owe an explanations or even know anything about the person.

Fwb is ok if that’s what both people want. Nothing wrong with that

When you say you know what you like and need it sounds like you’ve got a good insight here.

So, update— i texted him a few weekends ago saying that, while I know I initiated us taking things further, I don’t think our schedules are compatible and he should have a gf with whom he can actually hang out. Which is not untrue— he works for ups right now, and we did have a lot of trouble finding time to hang out, because ups makes you work overtime if need be. He was very understanding and we ended things on a good note.

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