Severe divorce depression

First off I’m not actually going through a divorce ( sort of ) so 3 years ago my wife had an affair with a coworker . It was emotional and sex. I found out through texts on her phone. It was so damn horrible. The pain was tremendous. We had just bought are home. We have 3 young children. I begged her to leave him and to work things out and eventually I got my wish. It wasn’t easy because I was dealing with the pain and begging for her back instead of her wanting to come back. Fast forward 3 years till now. About a month ago I discovered she’s having another affair with a coworker at her new job. She went to a man’s house I’m not sure what they did. It let’s face it anything could have happened. Since than I’m pretty ****ed up. I feel lost in life . I can barely goto work. I’m not even enjoying time with my kids. 10 , 10 and 12 yrs old. All that’s on my mind is my marriage and how I have been betrayed again. Our relationship is in the gutter. She says all I am is toxic. She repeats this like a broken record. I have asked her daily since she isint happy and has now cheated on me again to divorce me. I’m unwilling because I love her and want this marriage to work. Even though she is treating me like **** and cheated twice I still love her and want to be with her. Since she seen that guy , she ignores me, we don’t have sex, she’s emotionally checked out. It is gut wrenching. But here’s where nothing is making sense . I love her to much to leave so I’m dealing with the misery everyday. But I do beg of her to leave/divorce me . I do this so I can emotionally navigate life without this hell I’m living in. Her reply is if you want it you do it. So I’ll say I don’t want it but you definitely do so just do it. She says I’m not doing **** . Now mind you she makes literally double what I make. She can pay our mortgage and all the bills with one weeks pay. She is not financially reliant on me at all. She’s beautiful on the outside lol and can get men if she desires. So why in the world is she doing this to me ? Why is she being stubborn. She has said once oh you want me to file for divorce so you can tell people how horrible I am. It can’t be about her image can it ? My life completely is dreadful at the moment . If I leave her I wouldn’t be able to have my kids in my life in a healthy way anymore . I would need a 3 bedroom place and theirs no way I would be able to afford it. I asked if we ever broke up could I keep the house and she said I would have to buy her out. Again this is something I can’t afford. I am totally screwed no matter what happens . I love my family. All I ever wanted was my family .

I'm so sorry for this situation. It is completely unfair to you.

It's no wonder you're so depressed. It doesn't seem that your wife wants to work with you to either terminate the marriage or save it.

Sounds like she's baiting you and gaslighting you.

The only thing that I could advise is getting a psychologist or counsellor for you alone so you have someone to talk to (in secret)

And, also document everything in secret as well as contacting a lawyer (also in secret) to see what your options are.

It's a heartbreaking situation, and you need to find solutions...

Many hugs

This is a very tough situation to be in. I'm sorry for how much pain you must feel. Basically, the marriage is already over. She is not committed to you. I don't see how you could ever trust her again.

In the middle of this are 3 children, which complicates things immensely. They're still young. You do have the option of simply staying there and trying to emotionally detach from your wife. That keeps you near your kids. It eliminates you needing to set up a second household. But it keeps you on the receiving end of a lot of pain. Moving out, however, does not necessarily reduce your pain. So you have a choice between 2 bad options. Your wife may actually want you to stay because you being there makes it easier to manage the kids. Only you can decide if that is a tolerable option. You don't have to be in a hurry to go with the option of leaving. Once you move out, you'll probably be locked into that option.

My strong suspicion is that your wife has emotional problems. I don't think therapy can bring about any quick fixes. She also has a character problem. Character goes way deep. Besides betraying you, she lacks respect for herself. What kind of guy hops into bed with a married woman with 3 kids? These guys she has affairs with are not great guys. That's why they are available to mess around with her. Her life is headed in a bad direction. You could choose to stay where you are and see what develops. Eventually, she will get hurt. That might make her appreciate you more. But I wouldn't count on that either.

If you want a healthy, loving relationship, you're probably not going to get it with her. Divorce could free you to find someone else. But that's no guarantee either. Another option is to carry on with an "open" marriage, where you see other women. But what kind of women will be available and up for that? I'm not seeing an obvious best choice for you. For now, you might want to stay close to those kids and put her out of your mind as best you can.

@Lemonhead78 welcome to the forums.

I am sorry about the way your marriage relationship has become dysfunctional. The fact that your wife is cheating on you and is talking down to you says a lot about her and her character People who cheat like your wife has typically don’t change and they don’t really love and care but instead are looking for something to fill a void in themselves. So it doesn’t matter how much you love or even how much money you make. Your wife just doesn’t love and have the same values you have. People tell you who they are by how they talk to you and what they choose to do. So, believe them and learn that you can’t change them. It’s clear by what you have shared that your wife doesn’t have the same values you have and you can’t change that.

At this point you need to educate yourself so you can step away from the fantasy and see the reality. It’s important you do this so you don’t see yourself as worthless. A person with bad character traits can do a lot of damage unless you learn to see them for who they really are.

You also need to see a lawyer so you can find out what your rights are. Each state is different so it’s important to know the laws in your state. A person of bad character is never going to empower you or tell you the truth about your legal rights.

Unfortunately, we can love someone that turns out to be selfish with bad character that will never be a healthy partner. Sadly many miss important red flags and then begin to start experiencing the true toxic patterns others navigate with and they don’t value and love the same way. This is not your fault, instead it’s who they are as a person.

So first see a lawyer on your own so you can learn your rights. This doesn’t mean you are starting a divorce, instead it’s to learn your rights so you can plan ahead as to what is the best way to proceed forward for yourself.

My dude!

She is so totally messing with your mind.

She believes:
- you’ll stick around
- you deserve this
- even if it’s not for her, you’ll stay because of finances or because you won’t break up the household
- you want/desire her more than she wants you
- she’ll be fine without you

This is emotional torture. In fact, it’s emotional abuse.

She’s pushed your boundaries to a point that anything goes.

You’re staying HOPING that the person you loved will come back. She’s gone. She’s gone because who you thought she was…, She wasn’t that.

Be aware, Everyone can break and react poorly.

Watch some YouTube stuff on reactive abuse. If you are provoked too much and lash out at her,she may make an abuse claim against you.

If nothing else STOP pleading with her. It’s not going to change anything. There’s part of her that’s enjoying this degree of attention and power. Quit paying it out to her.

I’ve gone through something similar. It was for a much longer time, progressed slower, and didn’t quite reach the point you’re at.

I was you. Tortured and longing, with a young family at home.

Everyone says “therapy”. Therapy is expensive and can be hard to hide if you’re going covertly.

Use this forum. Read. Find a phone counselling service. Watch some YT videos on emotional abuse and manipulation.

Dude, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. She’s breaking your heart and she knows it.

You’re going to have to start making decisions with your head, not your heart.

RDMercer