Did I handle this badly?

So my husband admits to me yesterday that he had a bit to drink the night before. I had suspected something was going on. And he drank behind closed doors while I was home. This is after 2 unsuccessful detox stays, getting in trouble at work, us separating, (yet living together), and I started going to meetings to help myself cope. I’ve been feeling a lot more at peace lately distancing from him, and trying to adopt the mindset that I can be happy despite my situation. But when he admitted to me that he drank, I just said ok. And went into another room and really fell apart emotionally. I couldn’t predict that I would do that. I couldn’t help it though. I was like my bathroom shower - it leaks for a while after it’s turned off. I just couldn’t stop crying. I wish that I hadn’t let his honesty ruin my night. I’ll probably tell him that I appreciate his honesty. Did I handle that horribly? For the life of me I just couldn’t go eat dinner in the same room with him after that. But I didn’t yell or anything at least.

I know people will say again that I need to leave..and that’s fine. I just wanted to vent after this emotional setback I had. I’m emotionally drained and feeling pretty low right now. I’ll try to stay busy this weekend Maybe I’ll go see a movie by myself. I haven’t done that in a long time.

I think you had a very natural response to this, because from an emotional perspective, you're tapped out. At this stage I think the questions asked of him have reached their limit. Showing support and illustrating consequences have not proven to be lasting detours to his addiction. Now its time to ask yourself some tough questions.

One thing I have learned in life is we can love more than one person. But its who we can actually LIVE WITH and be happy with that determines our destination. It's apparent that you love him and care deeply for him. But is distancing yourself from the impact of his addiction really fixing anything or just putting off the inevitable? I think your reaction from this latest event is offering insight into that suggestion. I have a dear friend of mine that I have known since childhood. We're both knocking on 60 now. He developed a drinking problem in the 80's and is now a fully functioning alcoholic that is high up in a financial institution. He doesn't handle stress or any kind of adversity very well, which is odd since he picked a job that gives him nothing but that. Perhaps it's a subconscious choice to feed the beast? I don't know. But I do know its beginning to impact his health in very serious ways. He's on all sorts of medicines for cholesterol and high blood pressure issues. And now he's developing new issues. Keep in mind this guy is still in his 50's and he's already facing serious issues. This could also be your husband, if he continues on the trajectory he's currently on.

What I've learned from decades of dealing with this, (and other issues) is that a person with a chronic problem eventually has to quit looking for answers on the outside and just decide that they've had enough. That sounds a bit too neat and clean for the drama we all put ourselves through. But in my life what seems to consistently play out is we can apply a process, a philosophy, or an attitude towards anything that feels like it's out of our hands to band-aid the issue. But in reality, the rubber never truly hits the road until we've exhausted all of the "fixes" and understand we actually hold the solution.

For your husband, he has to decide if numbing his brain is more important than his quality of life and his marriage. A counselor can't decide that for him. You can't decide that for him. And maybe peeking into his own future and seeing what its doing to my friend won't give him that answer either. But as badly as he wants that drink , he has to just as badly not want to hurt you or ruin his life and health. Its a choice. Right now, like my friend, he is choosing the drink and resting on all the excuses that have gotten him to this point. Those reasons are going to be putting my friend in an early grave and he has had decades to think about it. How long has it been for your husband? So now its your turn to look at the bigger picture.

Are you going to keep throwing process at it? Looking the other way? Do you want to take this journey to it's ultimate conclusion? You don't have the answers for him because he has to arrive at that for himself. But you DO have the answers for YOU. And my feeling is you'll accept those answers when you've had enough. But the question IS have you? That's where you stand.

I think you handled it well.

To me, your response was of you attending to your own feelings, rather than trying to fix something you can't (him).

There are a lot of people treading water in place until they can get their bearings, and figure out what comes next in life. I'm one of them. As long as you're working on yourself and moving yourself forward, the rest of your circumstance is less important for the moment.

These are rocky waters, and setbacks are normal and will happen again and again. Each time it gets a little easier.

The only person who can stop his drinking is him, so that is an appropriate response. The Institute of Drug Abuse will tell you that somewhere between 40% - and 60% of addicts and alcoholics will relapse after visiting a center for medical detox if they lose their temper and argue about it; some use that as justification to do it. If you leave someone, they will use that as justification for doing it. You stay with them, and they will find something about you to justify doing it. When a low-pressure system moves in or it is too sunny and hot, those are also justifications. That cycle will always continue until he decides to fight it actively. Both of my Grandfathers drank, and so did my dad, so I have seen it. Over a decade ago, I used to donate time to a place in the largest

city near here called The Red Barn, which was a detox facility for low-income people who had fallen through the healthcare system's cracks. I saw so many temporarily do better and then crash; those few beat it and did not, which is why I did that. Your reaction was sensible. I hate it is causing you emotional distress. We don't want to see those we love and care for suffer. I hope he has his moment of clarity at some point and realizes only he can pull himself out of that.

No, your feelings are real and fully understandable under the circumstances Ninetiesgrl13. And the thing is, when people begin the journey of sobriety there's a good chance they won't get it right the first time - some do. So it can be a bumpy journey for those concerned, but obviously it's an important journey in many ways because it's your journey too.🙏

@Embracingtruth yes I feel very tapped out. The tears can keep flowing if I let them, but it’s exhausting and serves no purpose now. My husband is a functioning alcoholic that actually drinks way less than he used to because of me. Thats great, he’s no longer killing his liver. The damage between us is done though, and I have been traumatized by it. Without being straight cheated on I still feel short changed in life. The only person I know that I can live with now is myself.

@ArmorPlate108 I am trying to tend to my own feelings. I’d like to think that I’m doing a bit better than treading water right now. I am processing my emotions and also concentrating on myself each day. I’ll definitely keep the focus on myself.

@16PennyNail Yes there’s always an excuse if they don’t want to change. I understand now just how tragic and sad it is for some. I like to drink but I won’t have it in the home or drink around him. I can go weeks or months without it. It’s more of a fun occasional hobby for me where I don’t need to get sloppy drunk when I do it. He craves it on a deep emotional/psychological level where he needs it to cope, or numb feelings. He turns into a different person that I can’t communicate with when he does it. But I can still change my cycle of codependency and all my other negative thinking and behaviors.

@mote.of.soul I still truly hope that this is a journey of sobriety with bumpy roads but a happy ending at some point. He may feel like he’s making progress..even if he drank today(which I suspect) but I can’t see what he sees. I live my life by every day and not much more than a week out. Trust is gone. Ties feels kinda severed. It’s a family disease. I’ll overcome it. He has to help himself though.