Hope your Fathers Day/ Holiday was better than mine

My deepest apologies for sharing my sucky, albeit shiotty, fathers day (life) experience here. Yet when all is said and done, as mentioned in prior posts, I don't talk to a whole lot of people anymore. So again, apologies for complaining about my life, as we all have our own problems in this world.

I don't know about anyone else, yet I find it extremely difficult believing anyone wants you around, when, those individuals do things like interrupt you mid-sentence, only to talk over you (if not altogether kicking you out of your own conversation you were attempting to have). I dont know how this would make you feel if it repeatedly happened, however, it makes me feel even less wanted in this life than I already feel I am.

Yet this Fathers day, as I always do, sitting there somberly and awkwardly all quiet like, at my dad's dinning room table. Yet the one time I attempted to say anything, my dad's wife (like she's always done over the last 30yrs working together in my his business) goes out of her way to talk over me, asking my dad something, which had absolutely nothing to do with what I was talking about, right in the middle of what I was saying.

This, right here, sent me down in yet another unwanted depressional episode (which are much fun, arent they? …... Not!!!)

Yet the very next day, attempting to have a brief moment spent with my dad, he brings up this online business idea (which is great and all, however, I am so not business orientated person). And while it took me a few days to get around to watching the tutorial videos he sent me on these ideas, it probably would have been better if I waited to watch those videos until I had fully woken up (or waited until I wasnt in such a depressed state), instead of doing just that and watched em when I first woke up.

That being said, however, doing this only sent me even deeper down the rabbit hole of this deep/ dark depression. Simply bcuz – well, I wont kid myself anymore, I am nothing but a failure in this life (hence why I walked out in front of my first moving vehicle when I was 7y/o.... I was a failure then as I am still am now).

However, today as I was – again – attempting to spend a little time with my dad, he brings up those business idea's again, asking what I thought of them. Nevertheless, I simply could not answer his question (as I awkwardly sat there in silence), bcuz last year he's stated that bcuz he doesnt know what to say to me anymore, is why he keeps his distance and doesnt talk to me. He's also gone as far as to say that same year, that when I come around (when im depressed) it affects him, and again, he keeps his distance bcuz of how it does affect him.

And this is the reason I could not answer his question today, bcuz if I did, it would have been about that in which he does not wish to hear (or know)... Yet as I continued to sit there, amid our awkward silence, he asks the question – so, have any projects going on these days?

And while this was an innocent enough question, it really got to me, as he knows that simply walking up and down a flight of stairs isn't easy for me anymore. Never mind the kitchenette he helped me build a couple weeks ago. He saw how simply climbing up and down a simple step-stools was wrecking havoc on my bum knee.

I then told him, the only project I've got going on is simply trying to deal with this never ending depression I just cant seem to escape from. And seeings how I pretty much live in pain these days, I highly doubt I will be starting up any new projects.

I guess the real reason all this has bothered me today (and fathers day) is bcuz - well, I have spent not only the last 30yrs working for him, but also wrote him a plethora of emails going into great depths on just how all these issues I was diagnosed with affect my life. Yet he claims he's read all those emails. However, when it all is said and done, he acts and behaves as if he has absolutely no clue on how my life is when having a moment.

Mind you, im not trying to talk bad about, or saying bad about him here. Yet when I was 19 he had asked the question “how can you love that in which you did not want in your life”? Yet when I pressed him on what he meant by this, asking, so what, bcuz you didnt want your kids you dont love them? The only thing he said was “that's not what I said”. Yet that was it. Nothing else was said after that, as I sat there in awkward silence, prior to getting up/ turning around and as confused as ever walked out of his office.

Never mind the time when he got right up in my face, telling me, he hated having to keep me employed there (in his business), bcuz everyone there walks on egg shells around me, not knowing what to do or say in order not to trigger me/ set me off. Which totally and utterly surprised me, leaving me completely speechless/ not knowing what to say (doing as I always do, stood there in awkward silence), bcuz 9 times out of 10 when I am triggered, I will leave the situation and find a remote/ secluded place, albeit room, to retreat in - just so - what I am going through does not affect anyone else around. Yet seems I just cant do anything right in this life without pissing someone off (even if what I am doing is the right thing).

I dont know, maybe im just over thinking things here.

Yet whenever my older brother and sister are in the same room with him, he will be all sorts of chatting it up with them. Yet when it comes to him and I sitting in the same room, there is nothing by awkward silence which permeates the air between us.

You don’t need to apologize for venting, that’s what this place is for. Maybe things are so awkward with your dad because your depression scares him. A compassionate parent would show concern for that and show emotional support. I’m sorry that you don’t have that with your father. Do you have a better relationship with your siblings? I know what it feels like to be triggered, and I almost always choose to be alone when that happens, in case I get emotional.

That is quite possible, in regard to my depression scaring him. That or, it very well could be a constant reminded of the mistake he made all those years ago (/shrugs).

What is this “compassion” in which you speak of? All silliness and joking aside, however, I have often day dreamed what it would be like to have “compassionate parents” (though I guess my life could have been worse than it is/ was growing up........... idk though).

Alas, however, this is the hand in which I've (along w/ so many others like me) have been dealt in this life.

You can say, while my siblings are around, they have very little too nothing to do with me. There is 9 and 10 years that separate us, so yeah, (it feels more like) I am the unwanted and unseen ghost which languidly drifts through a crowded room.

The triggers (omgoodness the triggers), there are SO MANY flipping triggers. It's all I can do to be a recluse, staying as isolated and secluded as I am (even though that can be a trigger in and of itself) just so I dont end up triggered more than I already am. And yeah, afterwards, its an - All-Out-Must - to seek out a quiet and empty space to take refuge in.

I didn’t have compassionate parents either. My mom has always been a cruel selfish and wildly unpredictable person with her BP. I understand not wanting to spend time with family when you feel like no one truly cares or understands. I’m just now trying to turn isolation into a peaceful solitude. I’m just now trying to embrace the idea that only I’m responsible for how I feel, and no one else. It’s difficult, and even moreso when depression distorts your way of thinking.

@Ninetiesgrl13.... Yup, sounds about right. My mother was quite the piece of work to say the least. I always used to say, neither one of my parents should have had kids. My mother was quite the overly controlling drunk/ drug addict/ dealer. I mean, how many parents do you know hold a 5y/o child in the air by one hand, and proceed to beat the unholy hell out of them with a 2x4 - not many i know (though thats not saying much, as I dont really know, albeit associate myself with, all that many ppl these days). You can say that again, in relation to "spending time with family when you feel like no one truly cares or understands". All there is anymore are these four walls (the four best friends I never wanted). It is true, however, we are the only ones responsible for how we feel. That being said, however, how exactly "are you supposed to feel" when at every turn or corner there is always something bad around the next bend? Seems all Ive been in this life is a giant sized/ walking magnet, which only attracts/ draws in the madness of the outside world (then again, that could just be the hyper-sensitivity talking there..... idk /shrugs). But yes, gotta love it when everything goes haywire and array upstairs. Genuine sympathy (((Huggs))) from someone who understands (The Struggle Is Real)