AITA ?

AITH ? I moved in with my partner quite quickly. We have only been together 5 months. He has 2 children from a previous relationship, F(9) and M(15). My partner has a 2 bedroom flat and his children stay every Saturday. One bedroom is M(15)s and we “share” the other bedroom with F(9), meaning it’s mine and my partners bedroom every day of the week except a Saturday when he lets her sleep in our bed and I feel like I have no privacy. Every Saturday my partner offers our bed to his 9 year old daughter without asking me first and I’m expected to sleep on the couch. This didn’t used to be a problem when my partner would sleep on the other couch but recently his daughter has asked him to go through and sleep in our bed with her which leaves me on the couch myself. They (my partner, f(9) and m(15) like to stay up late and watch films in the livingroom - I work every second weekend and I’m up at 6am so I feel this is unreasonable. Anytime I mention this to my partner he gets extremely defensive and my feelings are irrelevant. This is supposed to be my home and I feel like I’m the third wheel. I get annoyed that my partner has no boundaries and has made absolutely no compromises or changes in regards to me living there. He asked me to move in with him. Last night we were arguing over it all and this morning he’s told me to find somewhere else to live. Am I the a**hole?

We have no idea how you presented this.

But what you’re asking for is reasonable

A request to be able to sleep, especially because you’re working…. Those are NEEDS.

Is your partner awkward about letting his kids, especially the youngest, know that he’s in a bed-sharing physical relationship? Is he hiding it from them?

Is he trying to be the good-guy when you say, “Shhh. I have to work.”

RDMercer

Your desire to have a good night's sleep before work is perfectly reasonable.

I would find somewhere else to live.

To his credit, he is being a good dad. But because of the living situation there aren't enough beds to go around. His daughter wanting her dad is not unreasonable. She is only 9 and 'lost' her dad to a divorce.

At the same time, your desire to have a place to sleep and work is not unreasonable. So, again, I would move out until the living situation changes. You will get your needs met (i.e. privacy, your own space) and kiddos' relationship to dad will not suffer.

My partners children know that we sleep in that bed when they aren’t there. Hes made me feel like I’m being totally unreasonable. Have barely spoke since last Sunday. Guess I’m looking for somewhere new to stay. Thank you for your replies x

On one hand it’s understandable you need to have a bed to sleep in and have a good night sleep.

On the other hand this dude didn’t think it through at all.

He moved a woman into his home after only 5 months of dating. It’s crazy. In addition there aren’t even enough beds. What was he thinking?

I’d move out and maybe continue just dating him like everyone else who met someone very recently and that someone is a parent of minor children. Why not just dating?

He needs a bigger house or more beds or whatever other stuff needs to happen before he even considers cohabitation

Aren't there usually stipulations in a divorce visitation agreement that the kids have to have a bed of their own. You knew he had kids. Why would you want to move in when the whole thing is an inconvenience to your own life?

The child technically has a bed and a whole bedroom to herself while dad sleeps on the couch. I am sure it’s perfectly fine.

I am somewhat taken a back though that dad now sleeps in bed with a 9 year old girl. What’s on the planet. There’s no need for that. She needs to be in a bed by herself. She needs privacy. It’s not a normal arrangement whatsoever. It’s not any kind of special circumstance like camping or stuck in a hotel room.

Dad isn’t a thoughtful parent. And he’s not thoughtful boyfriend either. Did he explain ahead of time that child will take over a bed on the weekends or that they’ll have a good time in a living room while girlfriend needs to sleep? This whole arrangement sounds immature, not thought through and haphazard

The bedrooms thing is true in the united states. I think the OP is not in america.

I believe it’s similar in UK. Kids need to have a bed.

If I were you, I would move out to a place of my own. He has to prioritize his children. They have a right to the amount of time he is giving them. They also both belong in beds at their father's residence. Neither his daughter, nor his son should have to sleep on a couch. Kids shouldn't be shifted around to accommodate a girlfriend.

This man sleeping with his 9 year old daughter is beyond weird. He should tell her "No, we won't be doing that." However, you don't belong in the middle of the argument that he will then have with his daughter. She thinks you are taking her father away from her, and she has a point. Ideally, you really shouldn't be there on Saturday nights. That is little enough time that this man spends making his children his priority. I wouldn't want a man who would do otherwise.

If you and this guy are serious about each other, then he needs to find a 3 room apartment. Only 5 months into a relationship is a bit soon for that. Maybe you have a friend or relative who could put you up on Saturday nights? Where were you living before you met him?

The welfare of his kids has to be your partner's first priority . . . if he's any kind of a man. He really should have thought this through before inviting you to move in. You and his daughter have become rivals for his attention. That's a bad spot for you to be in. You don't want to be competing with a 9 year old who gets her father for one day a week. That's putting yourself in a very unflattering light.

Frankly, 5 months is really far too short to even consider moving in together with anyone. Let alone a father with his 2 kids.

You really need to get to know the person before jumping straight to cohabitation.

I had a bought house with my mentally and psychically abusive ex partner. We split up in August last year and I had to continue living under that roof and continued to be abused on the daily. Contacted the council many times and the last time I heard from them was in December. My parents don’t live anywhere near me and my friend circle is very small. My current partner was aware of my situation which is why we’re are living together so soon. Granted he is doing me the favour but I don’t think asking for a bed on the days that I work is a big deal. We went to a x3 bed caravan last weekend. A bedroom for us, a bedroom for daughter and a bedroom for son. I heard him say to her if she gets scared just to come into our bed, not ok with me. I don’t feel comfortable with that.

I am sorry about your situation with your ex. I understand you wanting to have a bed but there simply isn’t enough beds in the house. He can’t put 9 year old on a couch to accommodate you. He simply needs a bigger place if he wants to have live in girlfriends.

He’s out of his mind suggesting his daughter sleeps with you two. What’s his obsession with 9 year sharing a bed with him. It’s uncalled for. What kids’ mom thinks of this nonsense?

Is he recently divorced? I think he’s not ready for a relationship.

Recently she has been texting her dad in the middle of the night multiple times stating she is scared to sleep by herself which was never a problem before.

She might be jealous of him having a girlfriend there and if she only sees him once a week, she likely wants more time and attention from him. If she is truly scared, dad might want to talk to a pediatrician. 9 year olds don’t typically have a problem sleeping alone and being scared. Sleeping with her isn’t a good solution. You don’t want her to share at school that she sleeps with her dad. She’s not a toddler

Hi Deflated

I just wanted to check in on you.

This situation is so hard. You’re trying to be reasonable and you’re in a tight spot.

My kids had terrible sleep problems and nightmares at different times. They were often in our room looking to get into bed with us

Yes, sometimes we relented

I often took them back to their own bed and stayed with them and calmed them there.

People can say whatever they like about those decisions. My kids grew out of that and we did what we did to maintain sanity and sleep schedules

I feel that your apprehension is completely justified. This isn’t your child. None of you are ready for you to act as if this is your child.

Absolutely the child may be jealous, the child may be stressed from the separation, the child may be playing this for attention or whatever. All of that is fixable and addressable in time.

But it doesn’t help you now

This man you’re with now sounds kinda thick. I don’t think he gets where you’re coming from and I don’t think he’s trying to.

Do you plan to stay with him?

Are there qualities you see that you want long term?

Is there a possibility of a one on one with him, when he’s not distracted, when you can lay this out for him like you’re connecting the dots or painting by numbers?

“I need to work. To do that, I need to sleep. I need your help with that. And all these interruptions affect my intimacy with you.”

“Because I can’t sleep at night I have to get more rest during the day. I’ll need your help with that if that’s the case.”

“Can we agree that these things are moving toward changing in the next X weeks or X days?”

In the interim is there a half way solution??? You sleeping with a fan on for white noise and ear plugs?

Lack of sleep is unbearable long term. You need your rest.

I endured disrupted sleep for years. In the past year it finally changed. I can’t believe the difference in how I feel.

Check in and talk to us here. This forum helped me a lot over the years.

RDMercer