BIL (brother in law) ignores me when I try to talk to him.

Advice Needed BIL (brother in law) ignoring me when I speak to him.

**History:**

My fiancé's brother and I used to get along, despite our differences. However, things changed when their parents moved back from overseas. The father works abroad and only comes home for Christmas, speaking to my mother-in-law (MIL) only on Sundays. My fiancé's counselor concluded that MIL is enmeshed with her sons.

His brother has never been particularly nice to me, but his behavior worsened after MIL returned. He has always been difficult, but now he's just nasty. I recall one time when we went to the gym together. I left my phone in the car and asked his brother to unlock it. He did, but then started slamming the car door at me, telling me to hurry up. He refuses to be my friend on Facebook, and this has been going on for 16 years. Recently, I learned he unfollowed me on Instagram. My fiancé told me last December that his brother had unfollowed many people.

When my sister employed my fiancé and his brother after they sold their restaurant that their dad bought randomly before leaving to work overseas. The father had spent all his savings on trades and lost everything, so my fiancé, his brother, and their mother had to use their own money to fix up the restaurant. My fiancé even had to pay off his credit card until I suggested that his dad should pay it off, which he eventually did.

During this time, his brother started talking behind my back to my sister at work, who eventually had to ignore him. Once, he told my sister, "Oh sorry, I thought that was your sister, which is why I didn't say hi."

His brother was also unkind to my fiancé during lockdown. He and MIL picked on him for leaving cooking paper in the oven, calling him an idiot. MIL even slapped my fiancé over the head for not buying 12 packs of Kombucha cans. I had to step in and tell her to stop, and she responded by pulling her fist to my face.

His brother also told me once that he bought my sister a lot of presents for her birthday to show her she could have a nicer boyfriend than her current one, doing this in front of her boyfriend. When I told him her boyfriend was upset, he said that was the plan to upset her boyfriend and he seemed very happy about it.

His brother still lives at home, and his mum still cooks for him and wash his clothes. There have been odd things in the past like how they went on a holiday together just his brother and mum or when he said how he took a girlfriend out to dinner, and we reacted happily and he said yeah it was my mum. And it was like ahhh...okay weird. He would invite his mum to his friends gatherings, well in the past he did I don't know now. Even the people at work where my sister overheard a conversation said that he has a weird relationship with his mum.

**Present:**

I suggested to my fiancé to invite his brother over to try to mend things. My fiancé has often tried to invite his brother out for pizza, but it never worked out. When he came over, he hardly spoke to me, only making eye contact with my fiancé or my sister. I felt dismissed and ignored, which hurt. His brother knows I struggle with rejection and that I go to therapy.

My sister asked how he was, and he responded happily, but he didn't ask me how I was. When he spoke to me, it was with short answers. I asked if he noticed our walls weren't green anymore, and he said, "What green?" I mentioned my uncle painted them white, and he said, "Oh, walls don't bother me." I complimented him on his hoodie, and he just said, "Thanks."

When we ate pizza, he didn't speak to me. If I spoke, he would look down and scratch our dog. Even if I mentioned his name, he wouldn't respond. Eventually, I softly said, "Yeah... okay..." My fiancé finally asked if he was okay, and he said yes and responded to my story, so he was listening.

After my sister left, I went to the toilet and cried, thinking, "My fiancé's family will never like me." I felt rejected and wondered if his brother was doing this on purpose. When I came out, my fiancé asked if I was okay. I said yes, and then his brother acted somewhat okay with me. He showed my fiancé a game board design he was working on, and I complimented it. My fiancé mentioned my comic, so I showed it to him, and he said it had a nice perspective.

I told my brother-in-law about the panic attacks and nightmares I had after seeing MIL at Christmas and how scared I was of having another panic attack if I came over. I mentioned my 45-minute mindfulness practice and using lavender spray in the car to calm myself. Even then, I still get flashbacks. He responded with very few words, saying, "Yes, well, it seems you are worrying about worrying. That is odd. Mum knows about your anxiety; she doesn't grieve you not being there." His face was very expressionless.

When he left, I mentioned I didn't hug him now because he has a girlfriend now and she might find it weird. (We had a game,thing in the past where I would try to hug him) He said to me" no, but he's not a huggy person." I told him to drive safely, and he said, "I won't."

After this, I felt deeply hurt and thought maybe I shouldn't bother with my fiance's family. My fiancé thinks we should invite his brother again in a couple of weeks to work on the relationship. However, it takes two people to make a relationship.

**Family Dynamics:**

The whole family is enmeshed confirmed by my fiancee counsellor . My fiancé is breaking away from his mother’s control, but she likes to have a lot of control over her adult kids. This manifests in doing things around the house for her, like making a new deck, painting the outside of the house, or even simple tasks like putting a hook on the wall. She also demands their time, like driving her to shops or walking around the mall for 8 hours once. She tried to break us up whenever she came back from overseas because she didn't have control over my fiancé anymore to chores for her. Now that we’ve moved out, all this enmeshment is now focused on his brother. His brother once blamed me when we got engaged, saying that now his mum has latched onto him. It used to be that his younger brother could do anything he wanted, but my fiancé couldn’t while growing up.

My fiancee tells me whenever he goes over his brother would just ignore him or he has to pull teeth to get him talking and if he does he just talks about interests now asking how he is or what he is up too.
When he showed his sculpture to his brother he did of our dog, he didn't say anything just pure silence. Until my fiancee said some.tgong and his brother was like "yep kinda looks like the dog"

I wonder if his brother is bitter towards me and blames me, which is why he’s acting this way. I don't know if it's his girlfriend could be influencing his thinking, but it's most likely the mother. MIL tries to talk bad about his brother's girlfriend to my fiancé, saying things like "she's too social" and "he's hardly home anymore; I need him to put hooks on the walls."

My fiancee and I wonder.if we just invite the brother over more often and see if their be development of a relationship and if not we just drop it?

What are your thoughts, reflections, or advice? I know this will bother me for weeks, and I’am be ruminating.
Should I even bother with my fiance family?
I've avoid seeing MIL for 6 months due to my fear I will get panic attacks and nightmares again.

Thank you for taking the time to read my message.

Some people are just not a good match no matter how you try to stand in their shoes and understand them. For me you're wasting allot of energy on someone who is simply not invested in you. The reasons are his own and nothing you have to answer to or give consideration any longer. Life is short as it is. Spend it with people who want to be in your company and let this fella live his life in whatever capacity he chooses. When you have situations where you might share space with him for get togethers in the family, just be polite and move on.

They sound very strange, to say the least. You can’t change them so I suggest you don’t think about them or how they behave. It’s on them.

And welcome to the club. My sister in law (brothers wife)is also rude (in a subtle way, not like putting fists in peoples faces). My husbands brother in law (his sister’s husband) is almost grotesquely rude. Like last time we saw them he didn’t turn his head to even say hello to us. He eventually spoke to me (barely) but never spoke to my husband. He’s been always this way, rude. He is rude to everyone in my husbands family, not just us. Heck, my own father is very rude to people.

That’s how some people are. All you can do is to keep seeing and talking to them to the most minimum possible (if can’t stop completely). And try to not think about them. I’d not bother trying to change them. Just distance yourself from them if you can

Totally agree with the previous comments. Totally.

People get to you if you let them.

If you wouldn’t go to this person for advice, then why do their thoughts and opinions matter.

They don’t.

This is someone who doesn’t matter to you, doesn’t impact your life, doesn’t play a meaningful role, but wants to in a negative way.

You might have to lead by example and show your husband that his family, their treatment of him, their rudeness, and their opinions don’t matter. Their actions and words don’t have to impact your life.

ALL of us have a finite amount of time in each day and in this life. For many of us, things became SO MUCH BETTER after we stopped worrying about the thoughts and actions of people who don’t enrich our lives.

RDMercer