Partner of adult child of addict

Hi, I am a bit lost and really hope this forum can provide some guidance. I have been with my partner a year and a half. He grew up with a mother who was addicted to opioids for over 10 years. She put herself through rehab, came out and went back on them. My partner hasn’t spoken too much about it all, as he feels too much guilt (and enmeshment) to his mother. I do know she used to hit him when she was angry, and that she had very little understanding of his emotional needs; thus why he literally swallows all of this feelings down. I also know that when she was in a better mood she treated him a golden child showering him with excessive love and compliments (almost enmeshment), with absolutely no parental guidance just constant praise that he looked perfect. This has made him deeply insecure, despite being a very handsome man. She never realises he had ADHD which is so evident, never helped him with the severe stutter he had as a child, and not noticing his compulsion/addiction to health and working out (thankfully the healthiest addiction he could have). His older brother had much worse treatment from his mum - he now has a masturbation addiction and is very clearly gay but has never “come out”. My partner’s Uncle/ his mother’s brother is an alcoholic - they had a very abusive narcissistic mother. After my partner and I broke up, I told him there were so many unnecessary difficulties in the relationship, and I believe a therapist would really help him unpack a lot of trauma, process it and unlearn many toxic behaviours. He got in touch with me and said wanted to start with a therapist and hopes we can work through everything . Him and his therapist had a successful intro and he will have his first session next week, which he says he’s looking forward to.

I am experiencing many worries about making it work - my partner can be very emotionally neglectful with me, very reliant on my resources (I paid for everything for over a year, despite me suffering from the stress and he owes me thousands), he often doesn’t support me emotionally if I need it, and is so so so chronically busy with everything else outside of the relationship. He seems to be completely unaware and oblivious of the focus and connection a healthy relationship needs but almost expects me to be available when he is. If I’m not he is very insecure and codependent - it’s a very unusual mix I’ve never experienced of codependency and toxic independence. It’s clear he hasn't had any example of a loving connected family environment. It’s often very very lonely which I have never experienced before. I have always been independent but the disconnection and superficial way we operate is deafening sometimes. I must highlight that he is also incredibly loving and kind which is why I am contemplating getting back together. I feel deeply how he has been treated by those who are supposed to give you all the tools to help you build your own identity and go on to live a balanced healthy existence.

Does anyone have any advice. Could anything change? With the help of therapy, would he ever become a connected, emotionally available family man? Or are his dysfunctional foundations too strong to rebuild? Thank you in advance for any advice.

There is no way to predict that.

If you decide to get back together with him, you need to make an informed decision with the partner he is right now. What is he showing you *right now*?

Assess what he is bringing to the relationship and decide if this is what you want and need in a partner.

Let him work on himself first and *only* decide on potential for a relationship IF he changes. Someone you describe as ''emotionally neglectful'', not attuned to you or your needs, reliant on your resources and insecure etc. is not ready to be in a relationship. Certainly not a healthy one.

Thank you for your sound advice. If any loved one spoke the same words about their relationship, I would see it much clearer. Time to do what’s best for me. Thank you again.

I had an alcoholic mother. She sounds a lot like his mother. I went to therapy for four years. It helped a lot. With the background you describe, he can expect a long time in therapy.

Don't reward him because he had an intro with a therapist. Big deal! See if he actually goes to therapy, week in and week out, for many, many weeks. See if he actually changes.

In the mean time, don't wait for him. If guys come along that interest you, go out with them. Be open to other people. See where life leads you. Don't tie yourself to him.

I really agree with the others here.

I was with a partner for years who was very physically attractive, and very hot/cold. When things were good they were perfect. But never for long.

The allure of the highs is magnetic.

But the person you are describing is CONDITIONED to exist in instability and drama. In the absence of it, he very well may feel an unconscious need to create it. Things and patterns that are familiar are comfortable. That’s how we’re wired.

It could take a long time to see and change that programming in therapy.

RDMercer