I don't know what to do

I wasn't sure what to post this under cos there's a lot of problems and also I'm new to this site but I need some kind of advice. My gf of over a year has been struggling with lots of things for a while. She struggles with addiction, self harm, her dad abuses her sometimes, she struggles with her eating and is sometimes suicidal. All of these problems have just been slowly getting worse over time and she has had therapy but it didn't help at all. She relies a lot on me as well and sometimes I can't be there for her (we're both only 16 and sometimes my parents don't let me see her). I don't know what to do tho as I always try my hardest for her but almost nothing I do helps. Does anyone have any advice I can give to her or anything I can do that might help I love her more than anything and I don't wanna lose her.

At age 16, this relationship may seem important to hold on to mainly because you don't have much else to compare it to. I wouldn't say you should never love someone with emotional problems. But this poor girl sounds like quite a basket case. I'm sorry for her situation, especially her living with an abusive father. Unfortunately, you taking on the role of being her savior probably isn't going to work out too well. She seems to feel hopeless about herself, which is why she self-harms and is into substance abuse. I think you can support someone's efforts to help themself, but you can't do it for them. You're looking at a tragic situation that you would like to turn around. So you've tried your hardest, but you don't see that you're getting anywhere. That won't change anytime soon. Throwing your lot in with hers on a long-term basis will probably just mean that she'll somehow take you down with her. Self-destructiveness is like that.

All I can think of is that you might want to transition into being a friend, instead of a boyfriend. Right now, you may be letting her overly rely on you, so she gives no thought to what she needs to do for herself. Beware of emotional blackmail, whereby she threatens self-harm, if you aren't accommodating whatever she wants. Don't enable her resorting to manipulative behaviors.

I know the commonly accepted explanation for self-harming is that it relieves tension and stress. I've been around a few self-harmers, and I believe there is an element of manipulativeness in this behavior. The person feels powerless and without resources, so they are convinced they must be rescued. It can be a sincere belief, but it shifts their focus to wanting you to fix their situation, which you're not in a position to do.

Maybe there is a role for civil authorities to play, if she is being abused by her father. If the abuse is mainly verbal, they probably won't do much. Is this girl getting any professional help? Maybe you could offer to go with her to a school counselor to discuss what support might be available to her in the community. Someone - besides only you - needs to be offering this girl a hand-up. Try to help her find that. If she declines to pursue any such help, then you're fighting a losing battle. You won't help her, and you'll damage your own life. That's the sad reality.

It’s sad. You could suggest to her to tell someone at school (teacher/counselor) and seek help. In fact you could talk to someone at school about it (in general terms not revealing secrets). She might be crying for help but doesn’t know how to get it

I understand what you're trying to say but I do really love her and if I left her even to just become a friend I'm sure it'd just make her feel worse, but thank you for the advice anyway. She does want help most of the time just sometimes when she's drunk or really sad she feels like she doesn't want to be helped. Also the abuse from her father is mainly physical and sometimes verbal but she doesn't want to call anyone or do anything to resolve at as he is still her father which is understandable but also I wish she'd do something about it tbf. Also tho her dad is rarely home and when he is, rarely actually abuses her really it's only occasional which ofc is still really bad. Anyway thank you so much for your help I really appreciate it and I'll take some of what you said into consideration. I just don't wanna leave her cos I love her and I'm sure you understand that but I know you're only looking out for me so thank you.

She had already reached out to the school for help and they gave her a reduced timetable so she doesn't have to come in as often so she felt less overwhelmed which helped a bit but obvs not much. Thank you so much for your advice tho I really appreciate it.

If she is abused and suicidal, either of you can report that (harm is being done to her + she may be a risk to herself, if suicidal) so that she gets the help she needs.

Talking to a teacher to reduce her school time is not enough. She needs mental health support. Good that you don't want to abandon her, as she might take drastic action if she feels she no longer has anyone on her side.

Where does her mom sit with all of this i.e. her daughter's struggles with addiction, her husband abusing her child, being suicidal etc.?

Bottom line is that her problrms are too complex for you to deal with. All you will end up doing is learning behaviors that will grow you into co-dependency later on in life & eill cause you more problems that backing away from an unhealthy relationship now.

I experienced many of these things later on in life & seriously, until I was WILLING to kake the actions for myself & make the changes I needed to make in my life, I never would have learned better, more mature ways of dealing with the crap that was in my life (& things from my childhood past) so I could heal. I had a wonderful therapist the last few years but all the work I did to heal was my own work & changes.

Give her space to deal with it on her own because there is nothing you can do to fix or change what is going on. She needs professional help & good adult wisdom for the issues she is struggling with

If she’s abused and suicidal, she sure needs more than reduced timetables. She needs evaluation and child protective services need to be involved.

You could report it yourself. If you don’t know who to report and how, ask at school. You have to remember that you are children and not independent adults. You need to rely on adults in these situations

At age 16, your girlfriend is getting drunk on a recurring basis? That is very worrisome. This girl needs help. You're trying to help a situation that is beyond you. I understand that, if you're in love with her, you're not going to leave her. She's fortunate to be loved like that.

It would hurt her, if you broke up with her. The longer this relationship goes on, the harder it will be, if you were to leave her. You're taking on a lot of responsibility. The price of you doing that is going to be quite high.