Need to get this off my chest

Hi Friends,

Let me first start by saying this is a shout to the void, and I don't expect a single person to respond. Part of my DBT Therapy is to ensure that I make public my behavior with people that won't judge me. What a liberating feeling.

~

I lied to my partner about orgasming. He now believes that by lying to him about orgasming, I was lying to him about who I was in sex.

I told him it was because I had a bit of an addiction to porn, and every-time I would watch it, I would get off, and then it made it hard during real sex to come but I was embarrassed and didn't tell him.

He claims that I sexually took advantage of him by lying about orgasming, and he is saying that I coerced him into bring vulnerable in sex and felt like I was using it to have power over him so he would fall more in love with me so he wouldn't leave me.

I never had that intention, but I realize it's not about my intention it's about how my partner feels.

He is away right now for two weeks for his job, so we have another week and a half a part. I am contemplating flying out to where he is stationed to try to repair the relationship and try to work through things with him.

I am doing my absolute best to keep going with my life, but I am finding that it's hard to get out of bed right now and all I want to do is sleep until the day comes when he get's home so we can talk about this face to face. I am struggling to do basic tasks like eat.

I guess I just need someone to hear me. I am scared that he is going to leave but I am also scared that I am the cause.

Sincerely sorry,

no longer sure who I am.

@kittlesonhr welcome to MSF. Sorry to hear you are depressed.

I hear you are feeling very dependent on having a relationship with someone, but I do not think flying out there would be a good idea financially or for the relationship, but I understand why you want to do that.

Something about the way he responds to you sounds very inconsiderate and possibly manipulative. He is not expressing empathy about your problem but making it all about them and accusing you of doing something to them.

Separation can make the heart grow fonder so maybe this time away will help but running after him may be inappropriate because he says he is on business and you may interrupt and he may be angry if you do.

It sounds like you are depressed. Ever consider talking to a therapist for talk therapy or a doc for med therapy.

A friend has been in relationships with someone that was manipulating them and did not really show compassion to them. They eventually saw that it was not helping them and left. But they had financial independence and so they could.

Hope you keep posting in one of the forums like depression Others suffer like you and can be supportive.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

If I understand this correctly you have the need to state this, to voice it, to own the issue, problem, and injury and are looking for a place to do it without judgement

What I know from this is that it’s important to be sincere and vulnerable

Doing that can make you feel forlorn and depressed.

It may be necessary to say these things, let them settle in, feel them, experience them, and then put them aside. Ruminating will draw you down.

We’re all flawed in some way.

You’re still a human and deserve to have love and happiness.

@CANDC Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it more than you know that you reached out.

@RDMercer thank you for your response. I feel very seen by you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kittlesonhr @CANDC Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it more than you know that you reached out.

You are so kind and it is a joy to welcome you to the community.

No. Not exactly. He is entitled to feeling the way he feels but not entitled to make false accusations of you. Lying about orgasming, while not very wise, is in no way coercive. He would be well advised to look up the definition of coercion in a dictionary.

Maybe he is not the right man for you.

Why are you in DBT? It is used for far more reasons these days than treating borderline personality disorder for which it was originally designed, which is why I am asking.

I agree with CANDC about dependency on this relationship. This is probably where you would want to do some work.

@kittlesonhr

I actually understand what you are going through. I never thought it was that serious that my husband would leave me if he found out. I watch porn all the time and masturbate. When it comes to the real thing, i have faked it but a lot of times I picture what I saw in the videos and then I can get off. I've went as far as putting my ear buds in and secretly watching porn and he never knew. Again, I never thought to mention it because I'm sure my husband has other things on his mind while having sex with me. But I totally get the embarrassing part, and I don't think you're addicted... it's just something you like to watch and do while you're home alone.... and I'm always home alone.