My ex came to the house

Dude, your wife is Lucy and she is holding an emotional football for you and your daughter. Dont let her do this to your daughter.

Maybe sit down and google the peanuts lucy football strips and look at them, with or without daughter. You need to gird your loins!

I dont know who hurt Charles Schultz!

Actually I would be concerned for your daughters safety as your wife is prone to driving under the influence. Also you don’t know this strange man she was with. He may also have substance abuse problems. Your children already admitted that they don’t feel safe when your wife is behind the wheel of the car they are in.

I would have notified the police that your wife showed up and you are concerned she may be under the influence driving around. They will have her on their watch list and will pull her over and give her a test. Given what you shared she will probably fail the test.

One of the things you are learning to do is listen to others in a new way. People actually tell you a lot about themselves if you listen and allow yourself to see them instead of seeing what you want them to be. You put your wife on a pedestal instead of seeing her for who she really is. You always gave her the power and she used it against you. She never loved you because she doesn’t love. That is hard to understand if you are honest and good hearted. And this other guy? She won’t love him either and will just look to use him too.

People like this don’t change. It never means you are not worthy, it’s just who they are as a person. Toxic people do leave others feeling inadequate and hurt and they struggle to consider a new relationship for fearing being hurt. Toxic people just go from one partner to the next and they tend to do that all their lives. They need their ego fix and feed off of drama. They never feel satisfied and get bored.

In the brief time she spoke to my daughter she promised everything

She’d practically stopped drinking, she was working, she was moving into a higher paying job, she was in counselling…. All the key points. But the root of it all was me. All these things had occurred because of my chronic anger.

I think this is coming to a halt though.

DD talked to her oldest brother who just simply said, Then I won’t be home anymore

She said it was her right to pursue the relationship she wished and he had to respect that.

He said, I do, but it’s best for me to not be in contact with anyone Mom is talking to. She was abusive to me and dad, and I’m not risking compromising anything before I say that in court. And it’s too triggering for me to be around.

She was pretty dumbfounded and turned to me.

I said, I can’t change this. What you are saying and feeling is valid. So is what he is saying and feeling. I can’t control his choices on this.

She didn’t like that he was making her choose. He said, I didn’t create this.

Then he asked her how things were in the past year.

“Really good. “

“How has it been in the past 24 hours? And who was the source of that? I’m not giving up my peace. Eventually you’ll see who she really is again. Good luck with where you land when that happens.”

DD went and blocked her mom on everything again. And my stomachache went away.

Good news about appointment!

Do you have chronic anger? I am not seeing it in any of your threads that I have seen and interacted with you in.

Chronic anger

No

I would be provoked, name called, cussed out, threatened with divorce, quietly behind closed doors for hours

I’ve never retaliated

The end of our marriage was precipitated by our oldest entering counselling for cptsd for hearing his mom’s endless anger at me through the bedroom wall.

I told her I’d chalked it all up to depression and illness. I wasn’t looking for an apology. But she had to validate to him that this stuff happened

No. It never did. It was him hearing ME yelling. It was MY endless anger at night. It had been me keeping her up night after night since years and even waking her to fight. She even told our youngest that she had to be protected from my chronic anger.

So. That’s the narrative

My husband has been sober for 34 years now. He has been very active in AA and has sponsored many different people. Saying “I practically stopped drinking” is uttered by those who want to keep using alcohol and all these people that have uttered that end up abusing alcohol again. People who have substance abuse problems must commit to living their life one day at a time without alcohol period. I have seen enough over a lot of years. Many die of the damages alcohol has caused and developed brain challenges that caused permenant damage.

I am wondering if you wife is trying to get diagnosed where she can get disability and not work. That said, hopefully she does get sober and therapy and becomes financially secure. In what I witnessed some commit and improve and some are on and then start abusing drugs again.

Holy

Smokes

She was just here again

To drop off a bag of gifts for DD.

I had a feeling she would try it again. She is trying to push territory and intrude.

What did your daughter say?

DD is a kid and gifts are exciting.

You want it to be true for yourself.

My dad took my crazy mother's side too.

You are acting as though you are powerless in this. Is that really the message you want to give your kids? If your son didn't have your number before, he does now.

I hope youre trolling us. This is so abusive to your daughter. I need to step away.

My wife has charged or alleged in court that her relationship with the kids is damaged because of the alienation I’ve caused between her and the kids.

The court order states I am supposed to support and foster a relationship between her and the kids.

Because of their ages IF THE KIDS REQUEST no contact, she has to respect that.

Otherwise, I’m supposed to be fostering these relationships.

She caught my daughter by surprise yesterday. She pulled the “alienation” card on me and asked past me if DD would speak to her

DD agreed.

With that, I am not allowed to intervene or block contact. I have to respect their time and not interfere with the visit.

I can’t withhold or block attempts at contact or gifts.

I guarantee you. This is causing me more distress than it’s causing you.

Yes, your daughter is probably too young to really understand. Your wife is trying to buy her affection and upset you. Narcissists are all about power and control. I had to learn to understand that about my sister.

It’s good that you have therapy tomorrow. I hope this therapist can give you tools you can use. It’s especially hard when the toxic involves children. Do your best to stay calm. Do a lot of humming as I read that reduces stress.

Quote:

How has it been in the past 24 hours? And who was the source of that? I’m not giving up my peace. Eventually you’ll see who she really is again. Good luck with where you land when that happens.”

Your son is wise beyond his age. You truly have a son to be proud of

As tough as it is, you're doing a good job balancing on that line of required civility.

I don't know what else to say, but wanted to offer hugs and prayers.

You need to document that she’s alienating the kids from you by telling them that you were abusive to her. That needs to be addressed in court.

Yes you are supposed to foster a relationship by getting your kid ready for visitation time (if the kid is interested) to be picked up for scheduled visitation and you don’t supposed to speak poorly of her.

All this other stuff isn’t falling into required fostering.

Tell your ex to petition courts for visitation (in amicable divorces parties could decide on their own visitation schedules but in general it’s better to go through courts). And then when visitation is established, you have to let kids go with her if they want to.

All these other things like her coming unannounced or drop off things unannounced need to stop and isn’t something you are required to allow. Do not open the door. Your kids aren’t supposed to let her in either. She doesn’t live there. It’s wrong. Let her get court ordered visitations. And even then she’d not be coming inside your house to pick up the kids

You keep saying you can’t block visits. You can’t block “established” visits. No court will require you to allow exes to drop unannounced in your home. You can’t foster visits that interfere with your life. No judge would ever put anything in custody order (temporary or permanent) that allows visits happen haphazardly whenever other person wants and that visits must happen in your house. That is simply never ever happening.

omg!

thank you!

Your oldest knows his mother has a substance abuse problem and can be abusive.

The fact that you and your children lived your lives around her substance abuse as well as whatever her mental illness makes her unpredictable has traumatized you. Your children deserve to have boundaries and feel safe. It’s not right that you only get to enjoy a kind of normal at your wife’s whim.

Her showing up with promises reminds me of bipolar mania tbh. Then she gets depressive and mean?

Exactly what Divine said.