My ex came to the house

Your friends should not have said anything to you about seeing your wife. Also, just because a man is well dressed doesn’t mean he is better. Also he may be a user that ends up just using your wife and dumping her. I question if these so called friends are people you should consider as friends. A true friend would not want to tell you things that only serve to upset you. Your wife is hoping they will report to you so you feel bad. That is what toxic people enjoy doing and get an ego boost from “ hurting others”.

Your wife is a user and anyone she is with will be used. You are better off without her. She is not and never will be the person you created in your mind that is a good person or healthy for you to have in your life.

@Open Eyes

You're right. You're completely right.

I look at the people in my life right now. There are so many good people; deeply good people that command no attention at all. It's easy to see the surface.

I think it was right for my friend to tell me that about my wife. It hurt a LOT, but all these things continue to solidify in my mind that she's not who I thought she was at all.

This may sound crazy, but I actually thought..... IF I loved her so much, and IF that was because she was merely playing a role and reflecting me back to me, THEN I bet I'll really enjoy my own company.

Like I said to a friend, I go through these periods of depression and feeling overwhelmed, then when I come out the other side, it's like I'm at a new stage in my recovery. Each new stage is fragile and needs time to develop and take root. Right now, I'm not where I was two weeks ago. And comparing this to where I was in August is a big difference, because a lot has suddenly happened and it's forced change and growth. I'm lucky I can change and grow.

I've talked before about deeply enjoying the peace and quiet here. Enjoying the complete dark and silence of the house at night, and not even wanting music on. Just craving the peace. Then that changed. There's music on much more often again. I still enjoy the peace, but the deep profound longing I used to feel during it is waning.

I think I'm someone who feels deeply, and I don't defend myself very much. I'm not a good "cognitive first" thinker. I'm more of an "emotions first" thinker. I'm working on that.

My kids are SO healthy and doing SO well. They've gone off-roading for the afternoon and I'm working at home. Yesterday we were all at a baby shower for a young couple my son has known since kindergarten. Afterwards two of them went to visit friends, and me and daughter went riding dirt bikes.

My son is taking some vacation and tonight we're watching scary movies together. The big fella is taking his kid sister to Spirit Halloween to look for costumes later today too.

My daughter's therapist called me last week just to tell me my daughter is doing, so, so much better, and to tell me how profoundly my daughter loves me.

These things are blessings.

I'm scared of court. I'm scared of being financially ruined, but I also go through periods of being hopeful. Right now, I am far more mentally prepared to see her in court than I was a few weeks ago. I'm scared I won't be as genuine in my version of things because I've had some time to heal.

Anyway. I'm OK.

Quote:

I'm scared I won't be as genuine in my version of things because I've had some time to heal.

you will be better because you are stronger & have processed what has happened & it is much clearer to you now

I genuinely feared her.

I could never understand how to explain that or why it was so extreme.

I think it was because of the extreme gaslighting, and the conditioning to just take her anger and bitterness defenselessly.

And, I'm thankful to my current therapist for pointing out that I was physically abused. Long term sleep deprivation is physical abuse. Dr Ramani talks about that as physical abuse as well. She incited panic in me by bursting into the room repeatedly to say all these heinous things to me then leaving.

I hope I'll be able to speak from a genuine place and an honest place. I'm actually scared to heal too much before I have to speak about this in court because I'm scared if I'm too calm it will reduce the legitimacy of what we experienced.

It won’t kill the legitimacy in court. You can tell the facts and give a couple of strong examples of the abuse to support the facts. Say that you were and are afraid of her. Be prepared. Your lawyer should be prepping you for that.