My ex came to the house

It's also important to remember that abuse tends to be progressive.

Many (if not most) abusers start relationships as the most charming and charismatic people you can imagine. The escalation is often a slow and steady pattern of testing and amping up of abusive behaviors. You get into "frog in the pot" territory where the victims' are often not aware of just how bad things have gotten over time--- even if they know something isn't right. True victims aren't victims by choice, and shouldn't ever feel blamed or shamed for something cruel that another person has done to them.

Omg. TRUTH! Abuse IS progressive. My ex husband didn’t become severely abusive until just after the wedding. It had been a year before we got married (whirlwind romance and moved in together fast). I was so swept up in being romanced and pursued, I lost all logic. I saw hints and signs leading up to the wedding, but after solidifying the marriage and my tie to him, the abuse escalated far worse. I don’t mean to hijack the thread but this is such an important aspect to the abuse cycle and how it starts. Important to learn after abuse to avoid it happening again with someone new.

@Rose76

There’s a family that we’ve been friends with since 25 years. Our kids are the same age. They’ve got all girls.

I asked them a couple of months prior to our separation and in the couple of months after to please talk to my wife. I told them her behaviour had become increasingly extreme and it was affecting the kids and she wouldn’t listen to me.

They said repeatedly there were two sides.

After 12 months separated I asked them

If a woman was covering the bills in her home, if her kids had asked her to get them out, if her husband was drinking a lot, cursing out one of the kids, keeping insane hours, waking the house at night repeatedly threatening he was going to divorce her and leave her with nothing, going out with his friends all the time, was seen out with other women, stealing money from his family, not paying child support, not showing an interest in the kids at all, and that woman had gotten a second job, paid all the bills including her husbands debt to protect their credit, and there was zero court ordered visitation… Would there be two sides?

Or was there two sides because the genders were flipped?

You said something like all you saw were two people putting the kids in the middle.

Tell me how my actions put our minor daughter in the middle.

@RDMercer, it takes time to learn what people are actually saying when they make their comments. This other couple stating there are two sides actually means they don’t want to take sides. These people are not trying to declare fault, they just don’t want to disrespect either of you or take on the challenge between you.

You have been facing a real challenge as a parent and I think you have tried to love and listen to your children without encouraging them to be against their mother. I question the advice for you to foster a relationship between your children and their mother. I think that is something they need help and guidance from a professional. I also feel it’s important that your children feel their home is their safe place. This means your wife should not just show up demanding a visit. It’s more important your children be informed ahead of time. It’s clear your children have been traumatized by your wife. I know from personal experience that people who have substance abuse problems can be imbalanced and can get mean both emotionally and physically. Children do not have the life skills to understand or self protect.

People with substance abuse problems notoriously play the victim and downplay their substance abuse issues. They tend to blame the ones that are sober. Also they tend to be around others that also have substance abuse problems. Stating they have cut back is just a form of denial. The disease leads to changes in moods so one never knows what mood they will be facing. Being generous means NOTHING, it’s just another form of denial. Your daughter is too young to understand this.

I think you are trying and you have reached out for help. Your wife has to be responsible for her issues. Dressing up and suddenly showing up twice as you describe was a selfish act.