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Member Since Mar 2022
Location: In the west
Posts: 434
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#81
It's also important to remember that abuse tends to be progressive.
Many (if not most) abusers start relationships as the most charming and charismatic people you can imagine. The escalation is often a slow and steady pattern of testing and amping up of abusive behaviors. You get into "frog in the pot" territory where the victims' are often not aware of just how bad things have gotten over time--- even if they know something isn't right. True victims aren't victims by choice, and shouldn't ever feel blamed or shamed for something cruel that another person has done to them. |
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Have Hope
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divine1966, Have Hope, iheartjacques, unaluna
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,207
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#82
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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iheartjacques
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 860
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#83
@Rose76
There’s a family that we’ve been friends with since 25 years. Our kids are the same age. They’ve got all girls. I asked them a couple of months prior to our separation and in the couple of months after to please talk to my wife. I told them her behaviour had become increasingly extreme and it was affecting the kids and she wouldn’t listen to me. They said repeatedly there were two sides. After 12 months separated I asked them If a woman was covering the bills in her home, if her kids had asked her to get them out, if her husband was drinking a lot, cursing out one of the kids, keeping insane hours, waking the house at night repeatedly threatening he was going to divorce her and leave her with nothing, going out with his friends all the time, was seen out with other women, stealing money from his family, not paying child support, not showing an interest in the kids at all, and that woman had gotten a second job, paid all the bills including her husbands debt to protect their credit, and there was zero court ordered visitation… Would there be two sides? Or was there two sides because the genders were flipped? You said something like all you saw were two people putting the kids in the middle. Tell me how my actions put our minor daughter in the middle. |
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ArmorPlate108, eskielover, Open Eyes
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divine1966, eskielover, Have Hope
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,237
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#84
@RDMercer, it takes time to learn what people are actually saying when they make their comments. This other couple stating there are two sides actually means they don’t want to take sides. These people are not trying to declare fault, they just don’t want to disrespect either of you or take on the challenge between you.
You have been facing a real challenge as a parent and I think you have tried to love and listen to your children without encouraging them to be against their mother. I question the advice for you to foster a relationship between your children and their mother. I think that is something they need help and guidance from a professional. I also feel it’s important that your children feel their home is their safe place. This means your wife should not just show up demanding a visit. It’s more important your children be informed ahead of time. It’s clear your children have been traumatized by your wife. I know from personal experience that people who have substance abuse problems can be imbalanced and can get mean both emotionally and physically. Children do not have the life skills to understand or self protect. People with substance abuse problems notoriously play the victim and downplay their substance abuse issues. They tend to blame the ones that are sober. Also they tend to be around others that also have substance abuse problems. Stating they have cut back is just a form of denial. The disease leads to changes in moods so one never knows what mood they will be facing. Being generous means NOTHING, it’s just another form of denial. Your daughter is too young to understand this. I think you are trying and you have reached out for help. Your wife has to be responsible for her issues. Dressing up and suddenly showing up twice as you describe was a selfish act. Last edited by Open Eyes; Sep 15, 2024 at 07:20 PM.. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,237
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#85
@RDMercer how is it going?
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2013
Posts: 860
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#86
"@RDMercer, it takes time to learn what people are actually saying when they make their comments. This other couple stating there are two sides actually means they don’t want to take sides. These people are not trying to declare fault, they just don’t want to disrespect either of you or take on the challenge between you."
I know that is what they were saying. And my point was, My kids needed support. We were dealt covert abuse for years, and they needed someone else to believe them. At some point you have to find your backbone and take a side. And what I said to them was true. If the genders were reversed, they wouldn't have hesitated. If it was a woman left in that situation they wouldn't have been saying, "Well.. There's two sides to everything" I'm sure there would have been outrage. There aren't two sides to this. We were abused. My kids were relying on their kids' friendships, and we needed support, and the adults were going "I don't hear anything. Don't involve us." I let that happen for a year, then questioned them on it again, and got the same response. I've let them go. If you've been gaslit and manipulated for years into accepting your abuse, then it's not OK to keep people around who will draw your experiences into question. |
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Open Eyes, unaluna
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Open Eyes
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