My ex came to the house

It's amazing how much I question myself after my interactions with her.

There are so many things that are plausible, or possible, and maybe I said something wrong, maybe I misunderstood something that she said, or whatever.

I feel guilty now for any assumptions I may have made about her intentions.

That’s called cognitive dissonance. That’s what happens when experiencing an ongoing toxic relationship.

Also self blaming can bring on a sense of control.

I think you told me that before about self blame.

Thank you for reminding me.

Disordered people love vague/indirect communication. There's so much power in it. It's quite often how they get others to doubt themselves.

Even something as simple as deciding to order a pizza- you felt that they were on board, only to spend the next few days hearing about what a terrible experience it was, they didn't want it, and the ongoing misery is all your fault.

Codependency recovery focuses a lot on learning/relearning direct, polite, and tactful communication just for your own sake of sanity. It boggles the mind how often you ask a simple question and get an answer that's vague and indirect- or one that just plain runs off into the weeds. I've learned to ask very specific questions AND expect very direct answers in return. Repeat as necessary until the answer is direct. Harder than you can imagine for some disordered people.

“Word salad”

If you experience it, you know.

My wife told me she needed to talk one time and made a long, drawn out apology. I tried to speak several times but she instructed me to listen.

It was about nothing. Nothing I’d ever had an issue with, nothing that mattered, and despite having the right tone and inflections, no content.

It was like if someone from a completely different culture or language acted out an apology.

When she was done she wanted my feedback. So I said, That’s not it at all. Nothing of what you said is what I’ve been talking about. Which just blew her mind.

I didn’t even know it was a thing with a term until about six months ago

A lot of people don’t know the term until
They see examples and learn that it’s mostly a person making statements that are just filling space and don’t really make sense. You walk away confused which exactly what is wanted.

It’s a form of escape that toxic people use. Yes it’s confusing.

I once worked with a guy who was not the brightest bulb, right?, but i didnt know. I asked him a question, and he gave me 30 minutes of word salad and absolutely would not let me leave. Boy i learned my lesson never to ask him a question again!

They exist in the tower of Babble.

I met up with a good friend for lunch today.

He told me about seeing my wife out on a date recently. He and his sister were having a meal at the same restaurant

He said, “Our age, and obviously accomplished by how he carried himself and the way he was dressed. Very put together, very classy, very expensive.”

And that just hurt to hear.

Being discarded and replaced by someone you never gave up on hurts. And I expect she traded up for someone with a higher level of success. I turned down job opportunities over the years because of responsibilities at home; jobs more than twice my current salary.

And she’s selling intimacy to have this person. That hurts too. I’ve always been an extremely monogamous person. My “body count” is very small because I always dated to find someone long term. That was something she appreciated about me, and I about her, or so I thought.

So that all really really hurts and sucks.

But, I also had a very attractive woman we used to know that lives in another state call me yesterday. We lived near each other for eight years. She told me she and her husband co parent the kids and are married on paper, but he’s been in an apartment attached to the house for seven years. She heard we’re separated and wanted to connect. She told me how she always saw me as “this very solid guy who provided for and protected his family.” We talked for 1.5 hours. So that attention and validation was nice. But… That’s all that’s going to happen there. That’s a dicey situation.

Her being on a date doesn’t mean anything. Doesn’t mean she replaced anyone with anything. It’s a date. Her dare being well put together doesn’t mean anything either. It’s easy to get a date. And people looking well off doesn’t mean anything. I’d try to ignore it. I know it hurts though. I understand.

People claiming that their marriage is only on paper lie probably 9 out of 10 times. I do not buy it. And her all of a sudden calling old neighbor when she finds out he’s single. Please.

When my husband was going through divorce and after his divorce, he got messages from some old neighbors and high school classmates who all of a sudden were suggesting some “fun” times. My husband isn’t the type that women chase and they barely even knew him, he’s not Mr. Popular so the fact they were lusting over him because he was newly single was just desperate and embarrassing.

I had similar situations although I was much younger. During and shortly after my divorce from my first husband, I was getting phone calls from old classmates and old acquaintances (and mutual friends) wanting to reconnect.

All of a sudden they were “kind of single” Well one’s wife was actually pregnant (as I found out later) when e kept calling and saying that he just cannot forget me. And one of MY old friends was shamelessly contacting my ex minute after we filed for divorce. Both I and my ex were embarrassed on behalf of these people. Gross

THANK YOU!

That was ALL extremely well said and a good dose of reality.

Like I said, we had a long conversation and she was a very physically attractive woman (haven’t seen her in years). I was flattered by the attention but also thought…. “Uh. This seems off.”

The dose of reality about the date was good too.

Thank you!!

I tried to hug you at the bottom of your message but it messed up!

Nope!

It worked

I’m still thinking about everything you said.

I am SO freaking innocent and clueless about this stuff.

I had not an inkling that this was a “thing”. That people from your past come out of the woodwork after a separation.

I am not saying it always happens, but it seems to be awfully common! I heard it from several people.

Hugs back! Hang in there

20, 30 years ago, the widowed italian ladies were advised to change their phone number (in the phone books) because old italian guys would call, looking for new wives / cooks / housekeepers!

But nobody ever called MY mom when my dad passed. I guess her reputation preceded her?

So its good you were called!

🤣🤣🤣🤣hahahahaha

In my case they weren’t even looking for someone to cook lol just for some good times. And a woman who kept calling my ex wanted him to fix her car. He kept telling her he’s not a car mechanic! She never asked him when we were married. 🤣

I’m feel embarrassed for having said that stuff yesterday.

I’m not made for this….

RDM

You have nothing to be embarrassed about! We are all in the same boat. Most on here were divorce or broken up at some point. We’ve been there. It’s not a picnic.

ITA. Your feelings and thoughts are completely understandable and normal.

What stood out to me in your posts yesterday was that you got some very positive attention from a female friend, but listened to your instincts that something seemed off. You have standards that you didn't compromise. It's good to have strong standards for the people, situations, and relationships you allow into your life.