Finally pushed back on my friend

My friend is a wallower. She likes to complain. I do too. But her complaining is starting (perhaps for a while) to reach a toxic point and I don't know if continuing to talk to her is helping or hurting her.

So I pushed back a little last night and told her that everyone wants to complain from time to time but, she has to make progress and try to move on.. and find ways of coping. She just circles back to her victimhood constantly.

She continues to look for validation in the workplace and I have told her that is not going to happen. She knows it.. and yet.. she continues to feel it is owed. It isn't. She is taking care of her elderly parents and I know it is hard but, she has far more help than I did.

I gave her the books that helped me when I could not change my circumstance and only my mindset. I hope she takes them. On every talking point she is wrong and it is starting to get on my nerves.

Many friends of hers have dropped her suddenly. Staring to think that is the way we are going to end up.

Secretly at work I have changed a few things up so I am not as dependent on her for work anymore. Honestly I did it so she could have more time at work to get her work done and work on herself. But she isn't doing that... so it also helps with my dependance on her to get my job done.

That's a tough spot to be in, and I don't know that there is a graceful way out of it. What you said to her sounded totally appropriate to me. I've parted ways with a few people who were always looking to whine and moan about being unfairly treated. No amount of me patiently listening was ever enough. I started to feel like I was enabling a very bad habit.

Unfortunately, I don't think people who do that are all that likely to ever change. I'll listen sympathetically to any sad sorry anyone wants to share . . . . . but not to the same story over and over and over. I had a friend whose mother had been dead for over 20 years. Every time we spent a few hours together, she would eventually restart her story of how her mother was a meany. Finally, I told her, "It's time to bury Mom. Let the grass grow over her grave and move on. She is out of your life. Stop digging her up, if you really want to be free of her influence." I thought the world of this gal, but her wallowing in these unhappy memories was like a person constantly picking at a scabbed over wound, so healing couldn't happen. She recently called me again. I was glad to hear from her. But nothing had changed. Complain, complain, complain.

Since this person has been your friend, you want to motivate her to adopt a healthier outlook. As long as she can find an audience for her complaining, she'll keep up the whining. So step one is to tell her the complaining has become too much. Step two is to start cutting her off, when she starts with the moaning. Step three is to physically withdraw from her, when she's in a negative frame of mind.

I guess how much more of this you can take depends on what redeeming qualities she might have. People like your friend don't realize how off-putting they are. Ideally, her consciousness could be raised by a caring friend telling her that she is a valuable person who is mentally going to a bad place way too often. You can say, "Sorry, but, if you want to go down a dark road, I'm not going there with you. Both of us were meant for better things."

Anyone living on planet earth needs to recognize that this world is a tough place, and we all get challenged in tough ways. That's the way the cookie crumbles. To resent that is to doom oneself to a life of being miserable. You have no obligation to attend every pity-party your friend wants to throw for herself.

She sounds like an energy vampire. You've done all you can do to help. It's up to her to make changes, and it seems like she would rather wallow and remain a victim than empower and help herself. Good for you for pushing back and for creating more independence from her. I would keep setting limits and focus on your own job.

Thanks. She also didn't call me yesterday -- probably a sign she is pissed.

She used to do things for me (and some others) at work and when I needed her she didn't do them because of her family issues. So we fought for and got assistance so we don't need her anymore. I hoped she would use the time to get on top of things and be productive. But no. She is always alleging she could get fired and our workplace usually doesn't do that, but if she doesn't stop she is going to get fired.

She got a new boss and he is her friend and I urged her to use this opportunity to do a good job for him and that could help her...but she is not doing it. She is making her victimhood come true.

I told her she seems to think she is in charge of anything. She isn't. She needs to accept that... but she won't.

You've given your friend some very good tips on how to live more positively and more successfully. At some point, however, you have to figure that "the ball is in her court" and it's up to her to take some responsibility.

You can't control outcomes. This person sounds like she will manage to get herself fired. Then that will confirm to her that she is a victim again. People like that tend to go deeper into their embrace of victimhood. Then they want everyone else to validate how unfair life had been to them. It becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy for them.