Please help my fiancée'

brian10x · Sep 22, 2024 at 09:20 AM

My name is Brian.
My fiancée is bipolar. We are planning on getting married soon, but we have a serious problem that I need help with.

We are 100% committed to each other and ready to start our lives together, but she has a major fear of change. I've studied bipolar and I'm aware of this issue, and greatly sympathise with her problem.

However, it seems to be a roadblock in our progress. Everytime she gets the courage to move in with me, fear takes over and she backs out at the last minute. This has happened several times over the last year. As I am aware of the issues bipolar people have, I have been very patient, but we need help.

What advice can you give her that might help her make the final push to move in and begin our lives together? I love her and am willing to help in any way possible.

Her name is Genevieve, and if you post a response, I will direct her to this forum and your answers.

Thank you in advance!

ogyogm · Sep 22, 2024 at 12:50 PM

I am no doctor, but first this that comes to mind: do not move together. Do everything like you live together, until she does the move by herself and not as a response to your push.

brian10x · Sep 22, 2024 at 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ogyogm

I am no doctor, but first this that comes to mind: do not move together. Do everything like you live together, until she does the move by herself and not as a response to your push.

We can't do anything like we live together. We live 128 miles apart.

divine1966 · Yesterday at 04:38 AM

She might not need or want help and her not wanting/not being ready to move in together might have nothing to do with having bipolar disorder.

Plenty of people with bipolar disorder live with their partners so honestly I don’t think it’s a feature of the disorder, it’s not common. Perhaps her doubts are due to something else

We total strangers cant really tell someone we don’t know to move in with a man.

When are you getting married and how long you’ve been engaged or knew each other?

Have Hope · Yesterday at 04:42 AM

@brian10x, does you fiancee plan on moving in with you after you are married? What are your marriage plans? Perhaps she wants to wait? Is she more traditional? Maybe a candid conversation about what is holding her back would help? I agree that it cannot be forced, but it's odd since she does plan on marrying you.

iheartjacques · Yesterday at 05:47 AM

sorry, but she's the only one who can seek help or make that decision, we can't do that for her

ogyogm · Yesterday at 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brian10x

We can't do anything like we live together. We live 128 miles apart.

Sorry, but are you even close emotionally and romantically? I assumed as much as you have said you are both 100% committed.

But how come you can't do things together on such a mature stage of relationship with 100% mutual commitment and marriage plans? What 128 miles have even to do with it?

Do shopping together. Come to each one's house and share chores. Pick up each other after work. That's just from the top of my head. You yourself should have more relevant list of possibilities. Living together is not about sex.

Are you sure the relationship is healthy partnership and not you exploiting your fiancée?

Rive. · Yesterday at 09:54 AM

Quote:

What advice can you give her that might help her make the final push to move in and begin our lives together?

That is pushing *your* agenda onto her. It is never a good idea to coerce someone to do something that they fear doing. She has her reasons and you ought to respect that.

Your fiancee(?) is not a diagnosis and not all "bipolar people" or "bipolar people issues" are the same.

The best support you could offer her is guide her to mental health support, for her sake not for yours. Only she can work on her issues, with support - not by making her do what you want.

eskielover · Yesterday at 11:46 AM

Maybe she is having second thoughts & not saying anything until she really knows. Better NOT to commit to living together until totally sure. She has a right to work through whatever is causing her not to want to live together at this point. Pushing may totally drive her away & bipolar most likely has nothing to do with it

divine1966 · Today at 08:29 AM

Going by what you posted on your other thread, this lady is married to someone else. Not separated or in the process of divorce but actually living with her husband. I am not sure you can be engaged or marry people who are already married. So she needs to take care of her situation by finishing first marriage if that’s what she wants.

Open Eyes · Today at 08:55 AM

Sounds like it’s you that needs the help tbh. If this woman is still married and living with her husband you may be nothing more than an ego boost when she is feeling low.

When there are problems in a relationship it’s important to step back and look at it realistically. Otherwise you are wasting time imagining something that simply doesn’t exist.

Molinit · Today at 11:22 AM

You're spinning your wheels here. Please do not sit and wait around for her to resolve her marital relationship. You could be in the same place 10 years from now.

Tell her when she gets her legal work done to check back with you and if you aren't in another relationship you can consider restarting one with her.

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ogyogm Member Member Since Sep 2024 Location: Ukraine Posts: 53 (SuperPoster!) 134 hugs given	Sep 22, 2024 at 12:50 PM #2 I am no doctor, but first this that comes to mind: do not move together. Do everything like you live together, until she does the move by herself and not as a response to your push.
	Reply With Quote

iheartjacques Magnate Member Since Apr 2014 Location: world Posts: 2,191 10 368 hugs given	Yesterday at 05:47 AM #6 sorry, but she's the only one who can seek help or make that decision, we can't do that for her
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,768 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,291 hugs given	Today at 08:29 AM #10 Going by what you posted on your other thread, this lady is married to someone else. Not separated or in the process of divorce but actually living with her husband. I am not sure you can be engaged or marry people who are already married. So she needs to take care of her situation by finishing first marriage if that’s what she wants.
	Reply With Quote

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,243 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Today at 08:55 AM #11 Sounds like it’s you that needs the help tbh. If this woman is still married and living with her husband you may be nothing more than an ego boost when she is feeling low. When there are problems in a relationship it’s important to step back and look at it realistically. Otherwise you are wasting time imagining something that simply doesn’t exist.
	Reply With Quote

Molinit Grand Member Member Since Nov 2015 Location: Michigan Posts: 866 8 91 hugs given	Today at 11:22 AM #12 You're spinning your wheels here. Please do not sit and wait around for her to resolve her marital relationship. You could be in the same place 10 years from now. Tell her when she gets her legal work done to check back with you and if you aren't in another relationship you can consider restarting one with her.
	Reply With Quote